


Invincible

by lukegrey



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Depression, F/F, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug, Or several hugs, SuperCorp, broken Lena, kara and lena are learning to love themselves again, sad kara, sexual assault IS mentioned but not in detail, this story deals with the aftermath
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-14
Updated: 2018-06-21
Packaged: 2018-09-24 06:09:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 21
Words: 45,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9706538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lukegrey/pseuds/lukegrey
Summary: A traumatic encounter leaves Lena more broken than she's ever felt, and Kara, for once, is entirely at a loss, because this time her powers won't save the day. Lena once felt something for the blonde, but her shattered worldview threatens both their hearts. Post 2x08, but AU after that with canon references.





	1. gone girl

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings throughout. I'll post a note before each chapter. This story is going to explore what Lena and Kara have and could have had, and how they learn about loss and love. 
> 
> Also: "Kara Danvers, you are my hero." asldfjdasdsj. Just saying.
> 
> Playlist for this story:
> 
> Make Me (Cry)- Noah Cyrus, Labrinth  
> Now I’m All Messed Up – Tegan and Sara  
> True Colors – Zedd, Kesha  
> Lost Boy – Ruth B  
> Issues – Julia Michaels

Lena Luthor was missing.

The word “missing” had a different definition when in usage by Kara Danvers, reporter and not-quite-yet girlfriend of said missing woman. Taking a page from her sister Alex, Kara began to panic when Lena was over ten minutes late to dinner, because the beautiful brunette was never late – in fact, she was often the one waiting for the clumsy blonde.

Kara resisted the urge to check her phone again. She knew Lena must have gotten caught up at work, negotiating a last-minute deal or smoothing over a potential PR mess. It wasn’t unlike the CEO to put L-Corp above all else.

Ten minutes late stretched into thirty, then forty, and finally Kara had run out of excuses for the waiter and reluctantly made her way back to her apartment. With still no response from Lena, Kara allowed herself one last message as she let herself inside the loft.

“Hey, Lena, I’m still a little worried…I’ll try to stay up, please call me when you get this? I- I miss you.”

Kara softly groaned to herself as she pressed the end button on her phone. _I miss you? Way to be desperate, Danvers,_ she thought as she pulled off the daring outfit for their date she’d gone back and forth on for hours – a skintight, sleek black dress Kara was sure would coax Lena into finally making a move. That night would have been their fourth date (Kara gave up convincing herself they were _not_ dates, because they absolutely were, Lena paid and invited the blonde to her penthouse for wine after each one), but the often-stoic CEO had barely returned the one and only kiss they shared after date number two. Kara had been fidgeting, pulling at her hair and adjusting her glasses before moving almost way too fast to grab Lena’s chin and pull her close. It lasted only a few seconds, and hardly any reciprocation occurred, but Kara took Lena’s flushed cheeks and zero eye contact as hope for a next time.

After throwing on pajamas and flopping back onto the pillows, Kara briefly considered having Supergirl pay Lena a visit, just as a checkup for her own peace of mind, but Supergirl wasn’t exactly high on Lena’s list of favorites after her mother was jailed. And, Alex was adamant that Kara focus on actual emergencies, now that Lena Luthor was safe and Cadmus no longer a threat.

Sighing deeply, Kara turned the volume up on her phone and carelessly tossed it onto the bedside table, wincing as she did so, but one quick glance confirmed there was no damage. Worrying about Lena, thinking about Lena, and being all-around consumed by Lena had been putting Kara into near-constant daydream mode as they had become closer. Kara needed to remind herself that phones were not the only things susceptible to her strength if she wasn’t being careful. As Alex would painfully remind her, nothing was worth letting loose for even a minute, even when in the company of people she trusted herself to never harm.

Giving into sleep, Kara’s mind began to ease, because she knew Lena had come out of so many dangerous situations barely scathed. If anything _had_ gone wrong, Supergirl surely would have been alerted of it. _Lena doesn’t have a target on her back anymore,_ Kara reassured herself. _Everyone who wants to hurt her is gone._

 

Six miles away, as National City’s hero relaxed into a comforted sleep, the Mercer Village doorman nodded a goodnight greeting to the handsome man he had quietly let in hours earlier to Lena Luthor’s penthouse, to allow for a “surprise,” as the man had put it. The doorman was relieved to see the lonely woman finally dating, as well as bringing around friends such as Kara Danvers.

The man nodded back curtly, and as he exited, a town car pulled close to the curb. Sliding into the leather seats, the stranger’s phone began to ring. Casually leaning back, the man sneered as he saw who was calling.

“It’s been done, Lex.”

“ _And Lena?”_

“I passed along your…message right after.”

“ _Good.”_

The line went dead and the man smirked again to himself, exhilarated by the day’s events and the sums of money soon to appear in his account.

As the car and its mysterious passenger drove farther away from the shadow of the Mercer building, Lena Luthor lay unconscious and cold on the 33rd floor, finally a victim by her own family’s hand.

 

**Five hours earlier**

L-Corp had been a mess Friday morning – stocks were down, shareholders were flipping out, and a delayed shipment for lab equipment had all come hammering down onto Lena’s head before 10 am. Lena normally would not have been worried about any of it, but the bad press and even worse social media attention surrounding her mother’s arrest had caused more damage than anticipated.

“Who knew that if your mother and brother turned out to be neo-Nazi wannabes and potential mass-murderers, no one would have an ounce of sympathy for the actually successful member of the family?” Lena had mused out loud to her assistant, Jess. Jess nodded solemnly, placing her boss’s coffee on the desk before scuttling away to turn down reporters aching for dirt.

When Lena had done the damage control she could and left for the day, she remembered her dinner date with Kara and immediately felt at ease. Smiling to herself in the backseat of her chauffeured car, she thought of how Kara’s charm and beauty could melt away all the cold Lena felt just beneath her skin, and she wanted nothing more than to be in the blonde’s company that evening.

Lena dressed quickly, selecting a plain but figure-flattering navy dress and opting for lighter makeup so she would appear relaxed. Kara had a habit of wanting to know what was wrong and why so she could fix it, but Lena simply wanted to enjoy the night and let herself just be with the woman, instead of coldly shoving down any sign of feelings as she had the past three dates. It was time to have Kara all to herself, in any way that happened to be, if she played her cards right and took the chance when it offered itself.

She grabbed her purse and was ready to alert her driver that she was ready when a sharp knock reverberated throughout the penthouse, causing her to jump slightly. The doorman hadn’t called to let her know she had a visitor, and she would have been more concerned had she not been irritated at the prospect of being late.

Lena pulled open the door to find a tall, masked man facing her, a gun in one hand. She opened her mouth to scream, but he was upon her, turning her to face the inside wall and pushing her head sideways roughly. Spluttering, Lena gasped for air, hoping to find the right words to distract the intruder to buy some time.

“If my mother sent you, there’s no point in — ”

“This is courtesy call from your brother, Miss Luthor,” the intruder intoned, pushing Lena’s face harder into the wall. Breathing heavily into her ear, he placed the rest of his weight heavily onto her back, removing any chances she had of escape.

“As you’ve evaded the attempts on your life, Lex feels you may learn not to dishonor the Luthor name if perhaps a…different method was used.” Lena stiffened as she felt his hand move up her leg, skimming underneath the hem of her dress, reaching her upper thigh. She squeezed her eyes shut and tried not to give herself away. _This is not the time to be afraid and give up._

She heard him undo his belt buckle, his weight shifting enough that she pushed backwards, stomping the heel of her shoe into the top of his and throwing back an elbow. She felt rather than heard the crunch of his nose breaking, and made it the ten steps into the kitchen when she was hit again, this time slammed face first onto the countertop.

His full weight was back on her, breath heavy and hot against her cheek. Lena could feel his erection now; there was no longer enough air to scream.

“You had a good idea – this is a better location,” the intruder sneered, grasping both Lena’s arms hard enough to bruise. Lena felt cold metal press into her wrists as he snapped handcuffs around them, her arms now completely useless. One hot tear fell from her left eye, betraying her. There was no escape from this.

Lena willed her mind and body into unconsciousness as she felt parts of herself wisp away, dissipating into whatever void swallows a person’s spirit. Kind, blue eyes looking at her with warmth and love filled the last of her thoughts, one last assault to remind her of everything she didn’t deserve, or would ever have.

And then the world went black.


	2. empty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for the aftermath here. 
> 
>  
> 
> Come talk to me on tumblr about how dumb Mango (Mon-El) is and how many donuts we need to send the writers to make Supercorp canon [(x)](http://mcdanvers.tumblr.com/)

She didn’t know how long it had been. She knew she woke up in nothing, deposited on her bed with a mysterious handkerchief on the pillows. She assumed it had been soaked in something to keep her from waking up. There was blood on the sheets, blood in her hair, under her fingernails. Swiping under her nose, she saw flecks of red come off before feeling the searing pain in her face. 

She felt nothing, thought nothing when the police kicked open her front door; nothing when SVU showed up to do a rape kit; nothing even when the tearful doorman tried to apologize profusely, genuinely, for allowing the man upstairs. She nodded, staring into space as she was informed they caught the bastard, and he could never harm her again; she knew Lex had something to do with that, maybe out of a moment of guilt, but more likely to show his true power. No one was rewarded by Lex Luthor, but everyone was punished, including his only sibling.

The police, her assistant (the only one she trusted at the moment with this ordeal), and the doorman offered countless apologies, meaningless platitudes, but did not understand. No amount of sympathy could ever be anything to her. Never again. 

 

The rest of the weekend passed quietly, and Kara still hadn’t heard from Lena by Monday morning, despite numerous missed calls and a few short trips to Lena’s apartment, despite Kara’s better judgment. There was no sign of her anywhere, though no news outlet was reporting the CEO missing. Determined to know exactly what happened to Lena, Kara decided to make a detour before she went to work, deciding that she would risk Snapper’s wrath.

Jess didn’t even move to stop Kara once she’d reached Lena’s office floor, hardly even glanced up as Kara pushed open the heavy wood doors. She took that as a good sign.

Gingerly closing the doors behind her, Kara noticed Lena’s phone and laptop on her desk and she sighed audibly with relief.

Then the en suite bathroom door opened and the brunette walked out, and Kara couldn’t help but stare – the woman was pale and dressed oddly for the weather: a black turtleneck and slacks covered her decidedly-thinner frame. Kara took a step forward and Lena snapped her head up, stopped dead in the walk to her desk.

“Jesus, Kara, fuck,” she breathed, clutching at her stomach. “I didn’t…didn’t know you were coming.”

Kara nervously adjusted her glasses, and could hardly stop herself from blurting “I’m so sorry Lena, I was so worried about you but didn’t want to bother you, I wanted to make sure you were okay–”

“I’m fine,” Lena snapped harshly, half-regretting Kara’s downturned mouth at the reaction. She softened. “I, ah, I’m fighting a bit of a cold.”

Kara nodded, taking in the woman’s dark circles underneath the green eyes that were normally so bright, and yet were so blank. Lena was hiding something from her, and Kara desperately wanted to know what, but decided to tread lightly.

“Can we talk about Friday night?” Kara asked quietly. She frowned as she watched Lena’s blank stare grow into an angry, dark one, and suddenly felt very small.

Lena, three days after the assault, felt for the first time a blip of rage, and attempted to push it down as she weighed telling the girl she was slowly falling for what happened…or entirely tear her down so Lena wouldn’t have to relive it.

Being a Luthor, she heavily favored the latter.

“What’s there to discuss, Miss Danvers?” Lena said in a clipped tone, ignoring her heartbreak at her own words. “It was a terribly busy day, I’m sorry dinner never happened, but I’m not obligated to enter any kind of relationship outside of professional,” she finished, surprised at the lack of tears after hearing herself.

Kara stared back, not quite believing Lena’s explanation, but wary of asking questions.

“Lena,” she tried again, softly, “did…something happen? You’re not usually like this around me–”

“Like I said, _Miss Danvers,_ ” Lena spat, struggling at not using Kara’s name, “I’ve been far too busy keeping a multi-billion dollar company afloat to entangle myself with a nobody reporter from CatCo. Now if you would please leave, I have meetings to prepare for.” Lena sat in her chair, pretending to shuffle papers as her words left their mark.

 _My heart hurts so much, Kara, but how could you understand? I can’t let you in. Not after him,_ is what Lena wanted to say, scream, even, and have the blonde erase her pain. But she was too cold and broken to ask for comfort, too upset with herself for ever thinking Lex, of all of them, would never do what he did.

Lena’s stare bore into Kara’s blue eyes, willing her to leave, but Kara stayed put, looking thoughtful and sad. She walked slowly to Lena’s side of the desk and carefully placed a hand on Lena’s shoulder. Lena tensed, then relaxed, eyes fluttering shut at the tender contact. Then she felt Kara’s soft hands on her cheek, thumbs caressing her softly.

“Look at me,” Kara pleaded quietly. Lena felt her defenses drop as she turned her head to look at Kara, whose eyes searched hers for answers to questions that didn’t need asking. Kara’s hand moved to the back of Lena’s neck, and leaned forward, but her hand brushed some of the turtleneck down and Kara’s brow furrowed as she gently pulled it down. She gasped; a purple bruise the size of a finger was blooming on Lena’s neck, but before Kara could inch the material any further, Lena slapped her hand away, eyes wide with terror.

“Lena, please–”

“Go. Please, go,” Lena said harshly, eyes brimming with tears. Lowering her voice, she turned away again so Kara wouldn’t see her resolve weakening. “Please, leave me be."

Kara nodded and swiftly made her way to the double doors, looking back at Lena, who had buried her face in her hands. Kara felt her lip tremble, and she tried to dash to the elevator, but it wasn’t long before her super hearing picked up the sounds of Lena’s sobs, breaking her heart in two.

 

“I can’t just ignore it, Alex. Something happened. Something _bad!_ ”

Kara was pacing in her apartment, waving potstickers around on a fork while Alex watched sadly from the couch.

She’d rushed over after work when Kara called earlier that morning, upset and incoherently babbling about Lena and bruises and suspicious circumstances. Alex was trying not to judge or lecture her sister, but part of her felt Lena Luthor was a danger to Kara’s civilian identity, Supergirl, and the entire mission of the DEO – she felt that even more so after Lillian was found to be the head of Cadmus. She kept her protective sister speech to herself; a part of her suspected Kara and Lena were heading toward the “more than just friends” stage, and Alex, of all people, had no room to comment.

But a small part of Alex felt personally struck by what sounded like an attack on Lena Luthor. She loved her sister dearly, but she knew Kara often wanted to simply make it all better, and Alex, if she was sure of anything, it was that grey areas existed, and grey was sometimes even harder to see through than even the darkest of colors.

“I have to figure out a plan. Maybe I can fly to her apartment, let myself in and out, do a quick scan and bring you back samples of…I dunno…DNA? Could you teach me how to do that? Or wait, I guess Maggie could too–”

Kara stopped, searching Alex’s purposely-blank face. “What!”

Alex stared back, holding up her hands in defense. “Nothing! I’ve said nothing–”

“But that’s the _problem._ You’re usually the one to be like, ok, let’s figure it out, let’s do some…science things…”

“Kara,” Alex began. Clearly the protective sister speech was unavoidable. “I’m sorry about whatever happened to Lena. It doesn’t sound good. But – don’t be like that!” Kara had immediately gone from frantic to angry, afraid of what Alex would say next.

“Whatever it is, Kara, you can’t rush in and solve it,” she chided as a tear spilled out and rolled down Kara’s cheek, betraying her angry façade. “Give her space. You’re so good at protecting. Right now, the kind of protection she needs is to know she has control.”

Kara flopped down onto the couch next to her sister, groaning loudly. “I know that. I just feel really lost, she hardly spoke to me. I could just _feel_ something was wrong.”

Alex shot her a sympathetic look and squeezed Kara’s knee. Kara looked up, her eyes full of sadness. “C’mere.” She held out her arms, wiggling her fingers. Kara gave in, never able to resist a good hug. 

Alex ran her hands through blonde waves, her mind whirring as she struggled to figure out a solution. She wasn’t particularly fond of Lena Luthor, but on the other hand, Kara’s description of Lena’s reaction and the bruises on her neck sounded hauntingly familiar, and she had to squeeze her eyes shut at the memory. Her arms tightened around Kara instinctively, and Kara looked up from where she had buried her face into Alex’s neck, full of concern.

“Hey…you okay?” Kara said, sitting up and giving Alex room to breathe. 

Alex opened her eyes once more, taking in Kara’s voice and warmth. Of _course_ she would care this much about Lena. Her little sister had once been in the same kind of distress over her, almost ten years ago, when she was still getting used to her strength on Earth.

“Yeah, yeah,” Alex said, shaking her head. “I forgot I told Vasquez to take the night off tonight and I could do some light surveillance, I haven’t slept well anyway, you know how that goes,” she said as she kissed the top of Kara’s head. “I’ll talk to you in the morning. Try not to worry.”

Alex shot her an apologetic look as she tossed a pillow onto Kara’s lap, knowing her sister liked to hold things close when she worried. She closed the loft door closed and leaned against it as she pulled out her phone and did a quick Google search. Nodding to herself, Alex took the stairs two at a time, concocting a plan in her head to help ease Kara’s worry on Lena. As she flung open the lobby doors, she spotted a cab and flagged it down, jogging slightly to catch up as it pulled close to the curb.

“Where to, miss?”

“Mercer Village on 6th, please.”


	3. you make your own loneliness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some mention of past violence and alcohol abuse. I'm sorry in advance for the soul-wrenching.

Alcohol was a pleasant companion for Lena. The Luthors never kept it in the mansion; Lionel and Lillian denounced it as poison, as a "drink for the weak." Lex, despite the madness, rarely drank as well, though he encouraged Lena to go beyond their parents' restrictions. 

_It was Lena’s 19 th birthday. The Luthor siblings had the place to themselves: Lillian was in Aspen, Lionel in Scotland, enjoying their selfish, separate vacations. Lex brought out Lionel’s 50-year-old scotch, the kind Lena had only seen her father serve to men even more powerful than himself._

_Lex passed a glass to Lena, smirking devilishly._

_"And why don't you drink again, dear brother?"_

_"To keep a clear head, darling sister," he laughed. "What good am I to science if my brain cells are killed at a faster rate?"_

_Yet he filled her glass a little more, and Lena raised an eyebrow. "But it's okay for me to partake in such cell-killing?"_

_Lex looked at her knowingly. "I think your brain is far too powerful to succumb to such a civilian pleasure. You'll do great things, Lena. I don't see alcohol ruining a future, like it could ruin mine."_

It was the only time she could remember Lex actually being wrong about himself. No amount of alcohol or drugs could have driven him to become the power-hungry, depressed man in the end.

Lena enjoyed the burn of alcohol, loved the buzz after a glass or three of her favorite Pinot noir. Now, only a few days past the worst hours of her life, she'd never wanted alcohol more. _If only you could see me now, you piece of shit,_ Lena thought. _Not only did you ruin me, this alcohol will too. And I'll enjoy every second of killing brain cells if it means I forget._

Lena laughed emptily to herself as she uncorked a bottle, filling a glass nearly to the top. She settled for looking out on her balcony, not particularly wishing to look at her kitchen counter any more than she needed to. 

The bottle was two-thirds gone by the time Lena started to feel sleepy (she learned long ago just how much alcohol she could tolerate before her body resisted) when a knock at the door jolted her out of her drunken haze. 

Time froze in midair; she swore she could feel it on her skin. She hadn't considered that someone may knock on her door again, or that such a sound would send her into shutdown mode. She tried to take deep breaths and put her chin to her chest (one very kind cop had the forethought to give Lena this advice) when she heard the front door open a crack and a female voice call out. 

"Lena? You home?"

Lena sat up, knocking over the rest of the contents of her wine onto the concrete. Turning her head, she relaxed at the sight of Alex Danvers tentatively letting herself in. _God, on any given day, the Danvers sisters could make life a little easier._

Alex spotted Lena looking pale and terrified near the glass door and silently cursed herself. _She just went through something terrible and you walk in unannounced? Mission fucking failed._

But Lena overcame her fear and clumsily stood, hands shaking as she slid the balcony door closed.

"Agent Danvers, hi," she breathed, hoping her voice was steady. "Sorry, you just startled me a bit."

Alex shook her head. "No, no, I'm sorry, that was pretty impolite of me." She ran a hand through her hair and fidgeted; she looked so much like Kara in that moment that Lena nearly winced at the tug in her chest. 

"Well, don't let me be impolite back, please, make yourself comfortable," Lena said, gesturing to the large sofa. "Glass of wine?"

"I'd love one," Alex said quickly, sitting down. She hoped jumping at the chance to drink didn’t throw Lena off, but the CEO didn’t bat an eye as she emptied her wine shelf of yet another bottle. Setting an unusually-full glass in front of Alex, Lena sat across the room in an armchair. Lena wouldn’t tell Alex, but the chair was once Lionel’s favorite, where he would sit in the den and stare at the fireplace. He would only allow Lena’s company during those times; Lillian and Lex learned not to bother the patriarch from the very beginning.

His chair made her feel powerful, even at her lowest points, one of which happened to be today. _Let’s get this over with._

“I’m assuming you’re here for some more info on my mother and Medusa, Agent Danvers?” Lena said in her best board meeting voice. “I’m not sure what else I can offer you, but I’ll do my best.”

Alex took a deep gulp of her wine, setting it carefully on the finished cherry table. She could already tell this wasn’t going to easy, but she had to try. _The things I do for you, Kara._

“Call me Alex, please,” Alex began, voice wavering. “I’m not here for any alien-related business. I’m here, well, for Kara, but also for you.”

Lena tried not to let her face give away her confusion. “I’m not quite sure what you mean…”

Alex took a deep breath. “Kara told me what happened earlier today, when she came by your office, and she was worried. I came here to…ask if you wanted to talk.” She watched Lena’s shoulders stiffen and face freeze; this was something she expected but had hoped wouldn’t happen. The signs of a struggling victim were there, mirrored back at her once again, and Alex found herself feeling very afraid.

Alex stood up, placing her hands on her hips and tried to summon DEO-agent courage. She always felt better if she acted like she was about to give orders.

“I’m going to tell you something, something that happened to me a while ago that nobody, not even my mother or Kara, knows about,” Alex rushed out. “And…I’m not asking for you to offer me a tragic story in return. I’m telling you because I have a theory, and because I might understand how you feel, and you should know you’re not alone.”

Lena’s green eyes bore into Alex as Alex looked down at her feet, gathering the right way to begin.

“Almost ten years to the day, it was my sophomore year at college. I wasn’t much of a partier, but I think I wanted to be, so one night I gave in to my friends and we headed to this house party with all these people I didn’t know.

“I did end up drinking a lot, so much to the point that when I woke up the next day, even though I somehow had all my things, I had no memories and a lot of bruises, especially…all over my neck.”

Alex took a deep breath as she felt the tears sting the back of her eyes. “I managed to piece together what happened, it was kind of the typical sexual assault on campus story…girl gets too drunk, guy thinks it’s fine, everyone else kinda let it go because you’re the science nerd who probably wanted to let loose for once.” She let out a half-sob at her words and ignored Lena’s fingers tightening around the arms of her chair. “The difference with me is that it was pretty violent, like, obviously I was choked, but even some of my closest friends took that as a sign it was rough and therefore fun.”

Alex looked up finally and saw that Lena was crying, tears silently falling down her face and lips trembling. She stood and went to Alex, throwing her arms around her neck and holding tight.

“Thank you, Alex,” Lena muttered. “Thank you…for t-telling me, that’s so horrible…”Alex returned the loose hug and pulled back as Lena settled next to her. She wiped her eyes and focused on the other brunette, mouth forming a straight line.

“I think I’ve mostly healed now, but hearing from Kara about your conversation in your office today, it just brought it all back…” Alex trailed off, hoping she wasn’t scaring Lena away. But the CEO sat still, hands in her lap and eyes glistening, but her face was serious.

“You don’t have to tell me anything. But please know, if what I…think happened, happened, I do understand the fear. And you don’t owe Kara an explanation, or anyone anything, really, though I _know_ she’ll keep pushing and that’s really not the right thing to do–”

Lena let out a low chuckle. “I don’t think Kara could let anything go. I understand why you didn’t tell her.”

Alex gave her a small smile in return, and was taken slightly aback when Lena reached for her hand without meeting her eyes.

“Your hunch was pretty spot-on, Agent,” Lena said softly. Alex tightened her grip around Lena’s hand, helping to ground her.

“My brother…sent someone to assault me.”

Alex gasped. “But…how…?”

“He has connections,” Lena said dismissively. “I don’t even really want to bother digging into how or why. I do know he got the bastard caught, but that was for his own gain, not mine. He got what he wanted.”

 he let out a chuckle again, this time somehow darker. “He wanted me to never be the same. Now I know I won’t.”

Sorrow filled Alex’s chest as she thought back to her 19-year-old self, who would stay in bed for hours at a time feeling absolutely nothing at all, wondering, questioning what defined her, if anything, anymore. At that moment Alex realized that it doesn’t matter the age; when someone violates you, that piece is lost forever, even if you’ve gotten to exactly where you wanted to be.

“Does Kara know you’re here?”

Lena finally looked at Alex, hoping to switch topics so she could drown herself in a glass a little more. _I mean, honestly, the worst has already happened._

“She doesn’t,” Alex assured quickly. “I’m not planning on telling her, either, for reasons already stated. Actually,” she laughed suddenly, the sound surprising Lena, “there is one specific reason I haven’t told my sister about me, in addition to her naïve personality.”

“What’s that?”

“Kara once choked me, not long after.”

Lena jerked back in shock. “What?”

“She used to have nightmares. Really bad ones that sent her into a frenzy, screaming, crying, that sort of thing. We shared a room, and when I was back home for break about two months after what happened, she had another one…and ah, yeah, she fought back and thought I was an intruder.” Alex wouldn’t forget how Kara’s immense strength flooded her with fuzzy images after blocking it out for eight weeks; how fingers on her throat felt like flames.  

“I’m sorry, Alex,” Lena murmured. “And I’m sorry we both can’t exactly…trust Kara.” Her heart fell into her stomach at uttering that truth. Lena at one point felt something for the blonde, but now things had changed. She had changed.

Alex’s phone beeped in her pocket, and she glanced at it with a frown. “I need to go, Lena, I’m so sorry.”

Lena shook her head. “You’ve helped me more than you know, Alex Danvers.”

They both stood and waited a moment before Alex drew her into a hug. As she began to walk out, she stopped and turned back to face the CEO.

“I know you care a lot for Kara, and I know she cares for you, too. Just…and I know this will be hard, but pushing her away could break her, and this is the time when you need people around, as much as you probably don’t want to.”

Alex gave her a sad smile that Lena returned with a nod. Once her front door was closed and locked and the security system in ‘guard’ mode, Lena began to clean up the wine glasses and mess of papers she’d left scattered around the penthouse.

As she laid in bed later, she mulled over Alex’s words, knowing the woman was right but also feeling her heart was either completely closed off or gone entirely. Lena couldn’t stand to be in pain again, from an attack or from love, and yet Kara Danvers’ soft, beautiful features clouded her thoughts, and she cried herself to sleep once more.


	4. a little less tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara talks to Lena, finally...as Supergirl.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a little happier? I hope?? Let me know in the comments!

Her inbox on her message app had never been this empty. Even Winn and James were too busy with the Guardian bullshit to say more than a passing 'hey what's up' or give her updates on whatever petty criminal was yet again holding up a deli. 

Now that Alex had Maggie, Kara had been texting memes and puppy videos to Lena at least eight times a day, in between their day-long conversations about work and life. But it had been over two weeks and all phone calls and texts had gone unanswered, and Kara’s attempts to drop by Lena’s office were blocked by a sympathetic Jess.

“It’s very busy around here, Kara,” Jess had said quietly last Thursday. “Miss Luthor hasn’t taken any appointments for a while, now, so it’s not just you.” Kara nodded in acknowledgement, but after leaving the L-Corp building, had thrown the lunch she’d brought to share with Lena (in hopes to get her to at least speak to Kara) so hard that it cracked the pavement.

It hadn’t been her proudest moment. Neither was the following Tuesday, when Alex had come over for sister night and found the loft in total disarray, clothes and shattered glass on the floor and garbage piling high in various spots. Kara had been sitting on the couch, blankly staring at the television and ignoring Alex’s attempts to know what was going through her mind before her sister left in anger, chastising Kara as she stormed out.

“ _You_ do not get to act like this,” Alex yelled, throwing the remote and very nearly hitting Kara in the face, not that it would’ve hurt. “Nothing happened to you!”

Kara watched Alex leave, confusion written all over her face, but she was too tired, too lonely to react or wonder what Alex meant.

Then Friday night rolled around, three weeks to the day Lena had stood her up for reasons unknown and they more or less ceased speaking altogether. Kara ordered enough takeout to possibly last her the entire weekend and absentmindedly turned on the tv, which had been left on the Catco news channel. There was a recap of Supergirl’s “finest moments of the week,” and while Kara normally enjoyed the good press after she worked hard to keep National City safe, her superhero side was starting to feel contrived and pointless.

Kara wanted to be a hero and serve a purpose on Earth; that was her calling. A small, selfish part of her, however, began to feel a little more like showing off more after meeting Lena for the first time as Supergirl. Of course, protecting the citizens ranked higher, but she wanted Lena’s attention, or at least hear about it as Kara. One day Lena had to find out about her super identity, and it only helped if Lena liked them both separately.

Yet somehow Kara, in her mind, managed to screw up both hers and Supergirl’s chances with Lena Luthor, as friends or as more, now that Lillian was in prison and Kara was apparently blacklisted from L-Corp and Lena’s life.

She _had_ to know why. It killed her, knowing Lena was probably just as alone, but also not understanding the reasons for it.

It was time Supergirl finally paid Lena Luthor a visit.

 

Six minutes later, Kara located Lena’s penthouse balcony and was grateful that the woman was already outside. She made her descent slowly, landing in a sitting position on the railing as Lena watched from her patio chair, an amused expression on her face and an entire wine bottle in her hand.

“If it isn’t National City’s finest,” Lena drawled in a tone Kara hadn’t heard from her before. “I should probably tell you right now, I’m not in the mood to talk security or anything related to my mother.” Lena took a swig from the bottle, smirking as Supergirl’s eyebrows knitted together.

“Don’t judge. I can’t imagine you’ve never indulged in some light binge drinking before, Supergirl.”

“I can’t say I have,” Supergirl said, matching Lena’s tone but feeling wary. She hadn’t expected Lena to be drinking like this, let alone be drunk. “Alcohol doesn’t affect me like it does humans.”

“Unfortunate,” Lena muttered, lifting the bottle to her lips. Before she could get any liquid to her lips, Supergirl had swiftly taken it out of her hands and held it away.

“I don’t share, Supergirl,” Lena said, a growl in her throat. Supergirl tried not to let her face betray her; drunk Lena was entertaining.

“I need to talk to you,” the Kryptonian stated firmly. “About Kara Danvers.”

Lena’s eyes darkened and Supergirl tried not to look surprised. “What about her?”

Supergirl cleared her throat, cursing herself for not really thinking about what to say before she raced out of the loft. “About…ah, the whole not speaking to her thing.”

Scoffing, Lena stood and walked to the railing, leaning on it as she gazed into the night sky. Supergirl couldn’t help but watch as the CEO’s hair, free of its usual bun, moved slightly in the wind and the soft glow of the city lights danced on her pale face. _I could die, she’s so beautiful._

“And Kara Danvers couldn’t talk to me herself about me allegedly ignoring her?” Lena said over her shoulder. Supergirl quirked up an eyebrow; it was obvious Lena was stalling.

“It seems she _has_ contacted you several times…about something that happened? Three weeks ago?” She tried to frame it as a question; it was harder than she anticipated, pretending to be two different people all the time.

Keeping her distance, Supergirl looked at Lena as the brunette rubbed her temple, eyes closed but face contorted into something more, like sadness. Or pain.

“Can’t all of you just let it _go?_ ” she whispered, but not as quietly as she wanted. Supergirl took a few steps closer.

“All of who?”

Lena slowly turned to face the superhero, eyes glassy yet fiery. “All of _you_. Everyone, Kara, my assistant, even Alex _Danvers–_ ”

“Wait, what? Alex, I mean, Agent Danvers? What’re you–”

“I was attacked!” Lena cried out, hands gripping the railing hard enough to turn her knuckles white. “My brother did it, okay? Please, don’t ask me anymore…just…please…”

She began to sob quietly, shoulders and hands shaking. Supergirl tentatively reached out and touched the woman’s hand when Lena pushed into the Kryptonian, wrapping her arms around Kara’s neck and soaking the suit collar with tears.

Kara sighed into Lena’s hair, one arm wrapped around her waist and the other rubbing her back in small circles, soothing the brunette’s hiccupping sobs. Kara was fully aware that was the first time the two of them had been that close, really, intimately close, but ignored that in favor of staying strong for the broken woman.

“Did you want to talk about it?” Supergirl said calmly, and felt Lena tense but then nod her head, and Lena slowly removed herself from Supergirl’s strong, warm embrace, taking her by the hand and leading her inside.

Supergirl listened intently as Lena recounted the assault, her anger growing and growing because Lena hadn’t spared any details, despite Supergirl’s assurance she didn’t need to. When Lena began telling her of when she had woken up after, Supergirl found herself standing up and staring out the sliding glass doors to the patio, hands on hips and jaw set.

She wanted to listen, wanted Lena to know Supergirl would be there, but she was _seething_ inside. _How could her own brother do this? How could anyone do..that?_ Tears formed in Kara’s eyes as she imagined Lena, hurt and alone, as her assailant walked away without any sort of regret.

 _I don’t care that he got caught. He should pay. I should find him, and tear him apart…why didn’t she call Supergirl? Or_ me? _Have I not proven how much I care? How I can help? Does she even love–_

“…and then Agent Danvers shows up, kind of out of nowhere, really, and tells me something similar happened to her and I should–”

Supergirl broke out of her reverie at the mention of Alex. _Alex…it happened to Alex?_

She whirled around and Lena stopped abruptly. “What exactly did Agent Danvers tell you?”

Lena raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms. “Not much, just said she could personally understand how I feel.”

Supergirl closed her eyes, biting back her frustration. _Alex didn’t even want me to help Lena and now I find out she’s been suffering too, from someone else?_

“Supergirl…?”

She opened her eyes again, looking at Lena’s concerned face. She felt her shoulders sag, feeling slightly guilty and overwhelmed. “I’m sorry, Lena, I’m so sorry about what happened to you. And Agent Danvers. I was just…shocked for a minute. 

Lena offered a sad smile. “You and me both.”

They smiled at each other for a minute, silent, when Lena moved from her position on the couch and closed the space between them once again. Supergirl relaxed into Lena’s arms this time, and surprised herself by what came out of her mouth next.

“Why didn’t you call for me?”

Lena pulled back and looked directly into darkened baby blues. She shifted a blonde curl from Kara’s face and wrapped it around her finger. Kara watched as Lena bit her lip, and her heart began to race, half-wanting to claim those full, pink lips, half-wanting to save that for Kara –-Danvers at a later date.

But it didn’t come. Lena released her hair and pulled away, again offering what was now her near-constant sad upturn of her mouth.

“You know, something about you…it’s so familiar.”

Kara tried not to react. “You didn’t answer the question,” she said in mock seriousness.

Lena, looking down, chuckled softly, a beautiful, welcoming sound. “I wanted – _needed_ – to figure it out on my own,” she said, sorrow in her tone.

Kara moved forward, tilting up Lena’s chin and looking into seafoam. “You never have to be alone,” she stated. “Ever again.”

Lena nodded and hugged Kara once more, tighter this time, and Kara felt like never letting go. Their brief and final embrace was interrupted by the comm in Kara’s ear, Winn’s undeniably cheerful voice announcing his presence louder than necessary.

“Supergirl! There’s been a string of robberies in the past hour or so on Hatcher street, they’re making their way up to midtown, which, like, ok, did they _really_ think nobody was going to catch them? I mean they are wearing these really ridiculous bright pink ski masks…”

“Thank you! I got it!” Supergirl let out a soft groan and Lena laughed.

“Ok love you bye!” Winn said, and the comm went out with a beep.

“Your team always that cheerful?”

“You have no idea.” Supergirl walked toward the glass doors, sliding them open. Before she could take off, Lena was by her side again, looking apologetic.

“Could you…let Kara know that I will talk to her soon? I just…I wasn’t quite ready.”

Kara gave Lena her most charming smile, feeling elated that the woman was about to enter her actual life once more.

“Of course.”

Lena leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Kara’s cheek, which immediately reddened from the touch. Kara started to splutter but Lena put a hand on her back and casually pushed her out the door, a smile still on her face.

“Go. Do your job.”

Supergirl nodded and took off, blowing back Lena’s hair. The brunette watched as Supergirl soared up, up, until she no longer saw the blue and red streak against the dark sky.


	5. one small step forward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THEY FINALLY TALK GUYS.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to thank everyone who's been following this! This is my first fanfic undertaking and it's been SO fun writing these characters, because I have officially moved Supercorp above Swanqueen in my OTP column. Insane. 
> 
> Talk to me on tumblr @ [mcdanvers](http://mcdanvers.tumblr.com/), I recently lost my job so my whole life lately has been this, someone come enable me

Sunday morning brought total sunshine and a bit of warmth to break up the past few chilly weeks. Lena was already awake, had been for hours; the nights didn’t quite seem to be her friends as of late.

She also seemed to have an aversion to her actual friends – _friend, you’ve only got the one friend,_ she harshly reminded herself – and life had begun to sag on her shoulders.

Her first thought went to Kara Danvers, whom she thought of every single day but shoved it down, because she knew she was hurting the woman more than intended. Somehow, Kara’s opinion mattered the most; if Lena told her about the assault, how she didn’t fight back, how she felt she opened herself to it because of her choice to distance herself from the evil in her family, she wouldn’t be able to bear it if Kara saw her differently. If Kara Danvers, sweet yet defiant journalist, thought of Lena as weak, not much more would matter to Lena.

 _She wouldn’t do any of that,_ the small, kind voice in her head told her. _You didn’t do this._

As usual, the self-hating, angry side won.

_I set certain events in motion. I don’t deserve a whole lot, especially Kara Danvers._

The thought brought tears to her eyes, which was happening to her more often than not. Random bouts of crying had taken up the very rare, quiet moments at work, but Lena never felt any better. It was nearing one month since That Day, as she had come to refer to it in her head, and it was now or never to try and pull herself out of the darkness she’d wrapped herself in for far too long.  

Granted, Lena Luthor often seemed to be at odds (or apathetic, really) with life; it just so happened that because of recent events, she felt more and more like a ghost.

It was time to end that.

 

Kara Danvers was barely awake when her phone buzzed on her nightstand. Her first reaction was to glare, because it was probably Alex with a mission or telling her to call, but instead a giant smile reached her eyes.

**Lena:** _Hi. I know it’s been a while. Too long, actually. Want to meet for lunch tomorrow?_

Kara bit her lip, her smile threatening to take over her entire face. Lena, her Lena, texting with an invitation to come back into her life. _And usually I hate Sundays._

**Kara:** _Absolutely._

She debated for a minute and decided to send another.

**Kara:** _I’ve missed you._

The message had barely been sent for ten seconds when she got a reply.

**Lena:** _I’ve missed you too._

 

The CEO managed to snag a booth at Noonan’s despite the lunch rush, getting there early because she knew the reporter wasn’t exactly timely, and she needed space to calm her nerves. Ignoring Kara and leaving her in the dark was almost as hard as acknowledging the trauma itself, and Lena was working herself up to tell the blonde but was failing at making a speech in her head.

 _Maybe it’ll just come organically_ , she thought. _I’d rather not bring it up first thing. I can’t make this all about me, or about that, it’s not healthy._

Lena was so wrapped in her thoughts as she pretended to study the lunch menu that she almost jumped out of her seat as Kara suddenly appeared and slid into the opposite booth, all smiles and sunshine.

“Hi!” Kara said, giving Lena a little wave. “Sorry to scare you, I was kinda too excited, and, ah, a little nervous, to be honest, to say anything,” she rushed out, a redness creeping into her cheeks. Lena offered a genuine smile back.

“Don’t worry about it,” she said kindly. “It’s…really good to see you.” And she meant it. She missed Kara’s whimsically-colorful outfits and adorable glasses, both of which she sported today, as usual. The blonde had on an aquamarine dress with a leather belt around the middle, which made her gorgeous blue eyes stand out even more. Lena took a turn blushing as she looked over Kara appreciatively, which didn’t escape the reporter’s notice.

“It seems you’ve missed me,” Kara said quietly, and reached across the table for Lena’s hand, running her fingers over Lena’s knuckles. “It’s been so weird, not talking to you.”

Lena looked at their joined hands for a minute, fear slowly freezing over any warmth she started to feel since her lunch date’s arrival. _I really thought I could do this. I thought I could let her back in._

Their waitress appeared then and Lena withdrew her hand, grateful for the interruption but regretting Kara’s fallen face. Lena pretended not to notice as she let Kara order first and then placed hers, rapidly thinking of a way to divert the conversation. 

“So how has work been? Snapper still on your ass?” she asked lightheartedly, and placed a fist under her chin as she listened to Kara launch into all the details Lena missed out on the reporter’s curmudgeonly boss. They both traded work war stories, falling into an easiness Lena had missed the past month.

And that scared her, something she knew would happen but desperately tried to plan against. To Kara’s protests, she paid the bill and waved the blonde off, smirking, hiding the panic settling in over the inevitable question that would come after they left and were finally together.

“Let’s take a walk,” Kara said breezily as they exited, nodded toward the National City park that was literally within sight. “It’s so nice out, we all could use a break from recycled air, huh?” Lena chuckled and followed the blonde down the street. 

They’d made it halfway around the walking path, shoulders and hands brushing every so often, eyes meeting and looking away in shyness, when Kara cleared her throat.

“So, um, I wanted to talk to you…”

Lena felt her right hand form a fist involuntarily. _Here it comes._

“We’re okay, right?” Kara said finally after a beat.

Lena turned to look at her in surprise, relief flooding her chest. “Of course.”

Nodding, Kara let out a breath. “Alright,” she said, her face brightening. “Just, you know, haven’t talked in a while since that one day…I wanted to see you and make sure you were okay.

“I really care about you, Lena.”

Kara was looking intently into Lena’s green eyes, the emotion in her expression hitting Lena hard. Lena swallowed, anxiety making its way back, clouding the things she actually wanted to tell the woman in front of her; this intuitive, kind person who clearly wanted nothing more than to help and receive companionship in return.

The words Lena needed to say never came. Instead, she stepped forward and enveloped Kara into a tight hug, hoping that was enough for now. Kara returned it, nestling into Lena’s neck, forcing a smile onto Lena’s sad mouth.

Giving her one last squeeze, Lena stepped back and checked her watch. She had half an hour before an investor meeting.

“I should get going too,” Kara said, speaking up so Lena wouldn’t have to. “Can we do this again soon? Please?”

Lena’s heart broke at the last word. There were only a handful of times she’s felt this ‘okay’ to even go out in public.

But for Kara, she would try.

“Definitely,” she managed, and pulled Kara in for a half-hug again. “Hope the rest of your day goes well, Kara.”

“You too,” Kara said warmly, and the two began to part ways when Lena paused, mustering up the last reserves of courage.

“You know,” she called out, and Kara turned around, looking hopeful. “If you want, you can come to my place tonight, actually have time to talk?”

Kara broke out into that damned delightful smile once again, shattering and piecing back together Lena’s heart simultaneously. “I’d love to. I mean, that sounds, uh, really good.”

“I’ll text you,” Lena said. “See you later.”

Lena hoped to god she would have her shit together by that evening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRYYYYYYYYYYY i know, they were gonna talk, but what can i say, they're kind of insecure


	6. powers can't undo the past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara and Alex have some 'splaining to do.

Kara got a text from Lena close to the end of the day asking her to come over at 8:30, which gave Kara plenty of time to head to the DEO.

She had some journalistic interrogating to do. Target: Alex Danvers.

Knowing full well Alex was not going to be happy Supergirl visited Lena, Kara had backed up her argument with the following: Kara was her sister and deserved at least a little warning before Alex had gone and done what she did, Kara is not stupid and can handle trauma, hello, she was sent here after her planet _exploded_ , and finally, Kara is feeling like she’s not trusted.

Alex nearly gave herself away the other day, Kara had realized, when she was moping about Lena ignoring her and Alex got offended. She was more than a little hurt, now, knowing her older sister went behind her back and exchanged personal information with the woman she was falling for, who apparently didn’t trust Kara with the same.

Deciding to walk to the DEO, Kara found herself entirely consumed by the thoughts that had plagued her for over a month, the things she never found time to think through because her only focus was Lena abandoning her.

Kara gave Lena an opening earlier that day to talk about what happened, but that conversation never occurred; instead, Lena jumped from topic to topic, looking anxious and upset and pretending to hide it. When they had started doing this dance, Kara wasn’t sure, but Lena used to be 100% honest with her, always. Now there was the pain of Lena pushing her out, another tick in Kara’s loss column.

Lena’s behavior didn’t make any sense, in Kara’s opinion. Kara had offered herself as more than shoulder to lean on: she could be a lover, a partner, a…girlfriend, if Lena would only notice the opportunity.

In fact, it almost was making Kara angry at Lena’s apparent insistence on handling all this emotional baggage by herself. When Kara’s ship landed on Earth, her cousin was there for her, yes, and found her a family, but after that, Kara navigated being human all on her own. She navigated her extreme loss and newfound powers without anyone to understand, and now, she had a _name_ for herself, a real-life purpose that she lunged at, against everyone else’s wishes but it was finally fulfilling.

Kara would have given anything for Kal or someone, anyone, to be there when she was terrified of hurting the other kids in gym class, and making up injuries so she wouldn’t have to throw a dodgeball or run bases; for someone to tell her it was okay to be afraid of the prospect of sex for the first time, instead of balking and balking until she rarely got asked out because her kneejerk reaction was a ‘no’; for just one person to say, you can cry because your parents are gone.

The pain in her chest tightened as she walked up to the DEO entrance, blindly walking past everyone who offered her a greeting as she searched for her sister.

Kara didn’t like having beef with Alex; it just had never been their style. Alex had been given the task of growing up faster than a kid should to take care of the young alien girl, and that didn’t leave a lot of room for sisterly fights over clothes or other dumb things. They instead opted for the cold shoulder method anytime one of them upset the other (Kara usually the one at fault, in Alex’s mind, for doing something like asking what a jump rope was one day during recess), and that had continued into adulthood.

Naturally, Kara found Alex in the lab, hunched over a microscope and only looking up to take down notes. Part of her felt bad for interrupting Alex’s work, something the scientist-turned-agent was always so proud of doing, but this couldn’t wait any longer.

Kara gently eased open the glass doors, putting her hands in her back pockets to keep them from shaking.

“Hey, Alex?”

“Yeah?” Alex barely glanced up from the alien goo she was analyzing under a microscope. “Oh, hey, Kara, lemme finish this workup–”

“You went to see Lena.”

“Yeeees…,” Alex said, not listening as she slid another petri dish under the lens.

“A few weeks ago? After I told you something bad happened to her?”

Alex looked up then, blinking in recognition. “Oh. Right. Yeah. I, um, thought she could use like a third-party to talk to?” Her voice was going up at the end, which meant she was lying, and Kara always knew because she did the exact same thing.

“Don’t, Alex,” Kara hissed. “I’ve been _wondering_ what the hell’s been going on with her, torturing myself, and then you of all people go to see her? And don’t tell me?”

“Kara, wait a second,” Alex said, holding up a hand. “ _You_ went to see her too?”

“That’s- that’s not the point, Alex–”

“I specifically told you not to go push her into whatever it was! You’ve been all upset she hasn’t been talking to you, you really think she’s going to now that you did…wait, what _did_ you do?”

Kara shuffled her feet, avoiding Alex’s gaze for a moment. She was afraid to bring up Alex’s secret, because she hadn’t quite processed that nor did she know the full story, and it still hurt a little that Alex had let Lena in on something without telling her first.

“Look, you’re right, I’ve been upset, and Supergirl went to talk to Lena. And yeah, I did want to…I dunno, coax it out of her, but she ended up telling me about her _and…and_ you, and oh, Alex.”

A sob interrupted Kara’s word vomit as she struggled for the words. “I-I’m sorry that happened, I’m sorry I found out, I can’t believe someone would hurt you like that…” She trailed off, head in her hands as she let tears fall for how scared Alex must have been, how traumatic her life was like, whenever it was.

Alex moved from her spot across the lab table and gathered a sobbing Kara into her arms, shushing her in soothing tones. Kara pulled back, tears still streaming down her face. Alex gave her a small smile and wiped her tears away, brushing back blonde curls as she did so.

“It was ten years ago, baby sister,” Alex said quietly. “You were…well, pretty much an earth baby, kind of. I don’t think we were at the point we are now.

“But I’m _okay._ I promise,” she said, shaking Kara’s shoulders a little, earning a small chuckle from the blonde. She sighed, grasping Kara’s hands and squeezing them. It was clear she wasn’t giving Kara any more information than that. “Don’t worry about me. Worry about your girlfriend.”

Kara rolled her eyes despite the tears filling them. “We aren’t, nothing’s happened, I would just say we’re friends,” she finally blurted. “For- for now. I just…care a lot. It’s a lot to take in, I guess.

“I also don’t know how to help her? Or what to do? I’d like to still be in her life, Alex, I’m seeing her in like a few hours and I’m stuck,” Kara’s hands were bunched in her hair as they were when she was overly emotional. “She didn’t talk about it today at lunch, I don’t want to bring it up, but I don’t get why she’s not? Is it me?”

“She’ll tell you when she’s ready,” Alex said. “It won’t do anyone any good to push. I mean, I never told Mom, but I think she knows, kind of. It’s one of those things where I’m not sure I can bring myself to tell her, you know?” Alex’s voice was wobbly, and Kara felt a little guilty. “Maybe Lena feels the same.”

Her sister was right. Lena Luthor, of all people, deserved a little breathing room. It still didn’t make any sense, then, that Lena would trust Supergirl, and not Kara, with such a sensitive, personal story. Although, it dawned on Kara that she wasn’t letting Lena in on _her_ secrets, which also happened to make up the most important components of her life.

_That’s not even the same thing. I chose to be Supergirl and be a force for good. I’m stronger than what happened to me._

And then there was her sister, her sweet, kind, big sister; the best person Kara knew and didn’t deserve to have been touched like that, or pushed around like that, or…

“Whatcha thinking about?” Alex asked softly. “And don’t tell me you’re not, Crinkle,” she said, poking at Kara between her brows. Kara looked up at her, eyes watery.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Kara said pleadingly, knowing whatever answer Alex gave, it wasn’t entirely true. “I’ve been so sad for you…I don’t even know the whole story, and you don’t have to tell me or anything, I just, Rao, I want to…to _fucking_ kill whoever–”

Kara slammed her arm onto a nearby glass table, promptly smashing clean through it and sending expensive equipment crashing to the ground. Alex winced, but didn’t move; this wasn’t the first time Kara’s anger had gotten the better of her and a piece of furniture had to suffer.

“I…am so sorry, that was really stupid,” Kara said from behind a hand, embarrassment rolling off her in waves.

“Come here,” Alex said, and Kara walked into her arms, shaking with sadness.

“There was nothing you could have done then, Kar,” Alex whispered into her ear. “I had to learn how to piece myself back together. I almost chose not to, but I wanted to be strong for you. I wanted to be strong for the sister I always wished for.”

Alex squeezed Kara’s strong shoulders once more and stepped back to look her sister in the eyes. “It’s going to be okay with Lena. I promise.”

Kara nodded, sniffling. “I should probably get going.”

Alex smiled, playfully punching her in the arm. “Your turn to go get the girl.”

 


	7. love hurts when you do it right

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was high time Lena told Kara her secret.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for mention of sexual assault and for a panic attack.

The tight black dress and gold necklace Lena chose to wear was the right amount of modest, yet sexy; she could feel unexposed while also feeling a little daring. It was the least she could do for Kara, to make up for the ignored texts and calls.

Besides, she figured it had been close to a month since the last time someone had touched her, even if that time was beyond violating. Lena needed comfort, or so she thought. Alcohol wasn’t helping, she wasn’t sleeping, and obviously work wasn’t exactly an escape. Kara Danvers, however, could provide what Lena needed: companionship, gentle touch, and kindness.

It scared her, how much Lena felt like there was a Kara-shaped hole missing in her life, but that fear extended beyond a potential relationship. Kara might not _want_ anything to do with Lena, if she ever found out what transpired in her kitchen that terrible day. Kara seemed so strong and determined, but also innocent; Lena was weak, avoiding cooking and sleeping in her bed, anything that made her see and feel those bruises all over her neck again.

A doctor at the hospital recommended Lena try to adjust by attending therapy when she felt ready, a suggestion Lena immediately scoffed at and ignored. _They’ll tell me what I already know, and then some,_ she told herself. It was best to charge on and not let this event change her. At least, that’s what Lillian used to say to Lex when he was having bullying problems at school, and Lena happened to be witness to the conversation.

_You’re better than them, Alexander. You’re a Luthor. Understand that your name has power._

Lex, apparently, had taken that a little more literally later on, abusing power to the point of madness, but Lena could understand Lillian’s point. The family’s legacy carried a certain authority, and many who dared to cross them usually found themselves in the center of a scandal, or worse.

She had to give Lillian credit: mother really _did_ know best, and she’d always known Lex would carry on that powerful name and everything that came with it. She briefly wondered what Lillian would have to say if it came out that Lex had her youngest child raped. 

 _Maybe it was her idea,_ Lena thought darkly, as she sauntered to her wine cabinet, taking out her best reserve merlot. If tonight was going to go like she thought it might, with Kara and her inquisitive nature, she might as well break out the good stuff.

After pouring out two hefty glasses, she happened to glance at the clock, which read just after 8:30, when a knock came at the door. Lena still hadn’t gotten used to the noise, but she had, thankfully, mentally prepared herself for Kara’s arrival.

She greeted the blonde with the wine, which Kara happily accepted, the flash of white teeth always so cheery. “That’s some of my most expensive stash,” Lena said, laughing a little as Kara took a giant gulp as the pair walked back into the kitchen area. The blonde’s eyes widened, realizing her breach of etiquette.

“Oh, god, I guess I don’t even know how to drink fancy wine,” Kara said apologetically, unceremoniously wiping her bottom lip. Lena drew in a sharp breath as she watched Kara wipe off excess liquid with her hand and _then_ her tongue; her senses, surprisingly, were heightened to an almost-uncomfortable point.

Lena cleared her throat, willing herself to get it together. “I’m just teasing. Drink as much as you like, I can always get more,” she said, shooting a wink at Kara, whose cheeks blushed, clashing with the rosy top she wore. Kara could really pull anything off, Lena had soon come to discover. The woman looked good in any color, and tonight was no exception, with her sleeveless blouse and dark skinny jeans.

“You look great tonight,” Kara said, interrupting Lena checking her out and, apparently, reading her mind. “Like always.” She took a slow sip of her wine this time, piercing Lena with those sky-blue eyes over the rim of her glass.

“Would you like to sit on the balcony?” Lena blurted, her heart racing from Kara’s stare. She needed to move away from the marble countertop anyway.

They relaxed in the cool night air, warmed a bit by Lena’s heat lamps. The conversation was light; Lena watched as Kara told her stories about college and coming to work for Cat Grant right after, her eyes following Kara’s erratic hand motions and goofy expressions. It wasn’t getting any easier, falling for her.

Two bottles of wine later, the women fell silent as they looked up at the stars, having moved closer on the outdoor couch without noticing. Then Lena felt Kara’s hand slip over hers, fingers interlocking, and she turned, feeling a lazy smile creep over her face as Kara met her eyes.

“Lena,” Kara whispered, eyes roaming all over the brunette, and Lena’s pulse picked up, heat rising in her face.

_Lean in, Luthor, come on, you’ve still got game…_

“Lena…please. I don’t want to push you, but…” Kara said, breaking the tension. Lena sat back, her heart sinking. “Please, I’d really like to know what was going on with you that day. It’s killing me not to know how to be there for you.”

Lena withdrew her hand from Kara’s and looked away, instinctively feeling like yelling at the blonde to go and not to come back.

But she knew Kara deserved the truth.

She turned back to Kara’s pleading features, locking their fingers again.

“I was attacked,” Lena said slowly. “By a man my brother hired to…rape me.”

Kara closed her eyes, gripping Lena’s hand tighter. When she opened them, Lena swore she saw a flash of rage behind the tortoiseshell glasses.

“Shit,” she breathed. “Lena, god, I’m…I don’t know what to say. Is the man…?”

“In prison? Yes,” Lena said icily, her tone not purposely directed at Kara, but she couldn’t help it. This was the last conversation she wanted to be having. “Either Lex had a change of whatever is left of his heart, or he planned all along to have him caught. Regardless, Lex won, yet again.

“I don’t think I’ll ever be the same, Kara.”

The last part came out as a hoarse whisper, and Lena started to feel dizzy and weak, whether it was from the wine or not, she couldn’t tell. Then she felt strong, warm arms around her, floral perfume wafting around her and blonde hair tickling her face and neck. After a moment, Lena returned the hug, relishing in how good it felt to be held.

“You’re still you, still so beautiful,” Kara whispered in her ear, smoothing the back of Lena’s hair. Lena felt tears sting her eyes, blurring her vision as Kara pulled back.

The blonde wiped away the escaped tears, and Lena realized she was half in Kara’s lap, their faces as close as they were when they kissed the first time. Then those soft, pink lips were on hers, just like the last time, hands skimming the top of her exposed knees and coming to rest on her waist.

Lena kissed back, tears still slipping down her nose and cheeks, but neither of them cared enough to separate. Leaning forward, Lena tentatively placed her hands on Kara’s shoulders as Kara placed small, chaste kisses on her lips. Lena felt Kara smile into her mouth, and the blonde deepened the kiss, with Lena allowing her tongue to explore.

It began to get heated, their kisses becoming sloppier and faster, Lena’s hands dropping to the tops of Kara’s thighs. Kara took that as a sign to take it one step further, nipping Lena’s bottom lip; Lena gasped at the move, but continued to push her tongue into Kara’s mouth.

Kara moved both hands in Lena’s hair, tugging slightly, then moved to either side of her neck as Kara began to kiss the side of her face, down her jawline, up to her ear.

Lena suddenly couldn’t breathe. Kara felt far away, despite the heat between the two of them and the lips on her neck, teeth grazing, hands tugging at the base of her skull tighter and tighter–

Then the world went black, and Lena felt once more the cold marble against the side of her face, metal digging into her wrists and pain, pain everywhere. It was utter agony, her body gone suddenly cold and empty as someone else stole it, tore it apart, threw it away.

With a gasp, she was back on her balcony, her chest heaving, a voice was calling her name.

“Lena? It’s okay, you’re safe, come back to me…”

Kara had moved Lena off her lap and was holding both her hands tightly, trying to ground her. Lena looked down and pulled away sharply, feeling cold sweat drip down her back.

“You need to leave,” she heard herself say angrily. She wasn’t safe, nowhere was safe, unless she was sure she could be in control, could be in isolation on her terms.

“Lena, I’m so sorry, I didn’t even think–”

“Go, please, go,” Lena choked out, unable to form another sentence. It wasn’t Kara’s fault, she knew, but it didn’t feel right. She didn’t think it was possible that it ever would.

Kara didn’t need to be told again. She jumped up, looking at Lena’s pale face, the guilt washing over her for causing the brunette to have a panic attack. She strode briskly through the penthouse, grabbing her purse on the way and practically leaping into the elevator. Once outside, she booked it through an alleyway and took off into the air, landing in her apartment in under five minutes.

As Kara collapsed on her couch in a heap of sobs, Lena Luthor allowed herself to rest, her nightmare already over before sleep even began.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Light and fluffy isn't my thing, okay?


	8. will you love me (even with my dark side)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashback to Kara's sixteenth birthday, where we get a glimpse at her adjustment to Earth and her family life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm BAAAAAACK. I got stuck forever at the bottom, now I'm here. I will get to a POINT with this story, someday, maybe. Look out for new fics from me too cuz I can't just finish one thing ever. 
> 
> Posting this before the episode where Kara BETTER END IT with Mon-El, but we'll see (we won't cuz it won't happen sigh sigh sigh). 
> 
> Follow me on tumblr [x](http://mcdanvers.tumblr.com/)

**Nine years ago**

Eliza Danvers inched open her youngest daughter’s door on a cool morning in late September, careful not to let the candle on a stack of pancakes flicker too much as she balanced the plate and orange juice in both hands.

It was Kara’s third Earth birthday, her sweet sixteenth, as Eliza kept reminding her. The special day had landed on a Sunday, and Alex and Eliza planned a whole day for the newest Danvers, against many protests. Kara didn’t have many friends, or any close enough to invite to a party like the other girls in the 10th grade had. The concept of Earth birthday had been Jeremiah’s idea, but it so far had backfired each year, as it only reminded Kara that it had again been another year since her life was blown to pieces.

But Alex, with the heart of gold her mother admired so much, wanted this year to be different for her sister, and was making her way back home for the weekend as a surprise. The entire downstairs was covered in balloons and a giant cake took up the first shelf in the refrigerator.

Eliza slipped through the door, careful to not let the hinges squeak too loudly, but looked up in surprise to see Kara wide awake in bed, chin resting on her bent knees. The girl’s soft blue eyes were watery, and Eliza’s heart sank; the Danvers family tried so hard to love the alien girl, but Eliza knew it could never be enough, could never replace Kara’s immense loss.

“Happy Earth birthday, honey,” Eliza said softly. Kara glanced at her sideways, eyeing the pancakes. Eliza gave a little smile; there was the always-hungry Kara Danvers she knew.

Settling the plate on Kara’s now-outstretched legs, Eliza leaned forward and placed a soft kiss onto her daughter’s forehead.

“I know today is hard,” she murmured. Kara said nothing, but Eliza felt her tense up. She decided to leave the girl to her pancakes and thoughts, running her hands through Kara’s blonde tresses and heading toward the door.

“Oh, before I forget,” Eliza said, turning around, “Alex is coming home today.”

In three seconds, Kara’s pancakes were gone and she was running downstairs, fully dressed and whooping loudly. Eliza grinned.

_Maybe today won’t be so bad after all._

 

**  

Alex arrived home before noon, her face immediately brightening as Kara literally scooped her into her arms. They had become fast friends, and Alex leaving altogether too soon for college after Kara arrived on Earth was yet another hard adjustment for the Kryptonian. Alex had always wanted a sibling, immediately adopting an overprotective sister mentality once Kara began to settle in. But for Kara, she needed a guardian, and having Alex willingly love her made living on Earth a little easier.

The trio spent the day out, with the intent to spoil Kara as much as possible. The 16-year-old was always begging to go to the zoo to specifically view the aviary, and Eliza and Alex made the Midvale Zoo their first stop. Alex beamed the whole way through the exhibit as she excitedly rattled off facts about different birds to her little sister, who was entranced by the entire visit. Eliza lagged a little behind, giving her girls the space to be together.

Alex was busy explaining that there were many kinds of parrots when she noticed Kara had fallen silent, a stony expression on her face as she stared into the macaws’ enclosure.

“Hey,” Alex began, touching Kara’s arm. “You okay?”

“You know why I love birds, Alex?” Kara responded, still gazing straight ahead.

“’Cause you didn’t have them on Krypton?” Alex said, lowering her voice.

“That’s part of it,” Kara said, her fingertips coming up to touch the glass. “They can fly like me, some of them mate for life, some can find their flock if they get lost…I look at them in the sky and think about what it would be like if my parents were here, if we could all fly together, without worrying.”

Tears had started to form in the girl’s eyes, and she quickly wiped them away. “Sometimes I dream I’m a lone bird, looking for my parents. Sometimes I find them, and sometimes I don’t. But when I do…it’s the best I’ve felt since I landed here.” Kara sniffed, rubbing her nose and turning to face Alex, who wrapped her in a tight hug.

“Oh, sis,” Alex whispered, also blinking back tears. “I wish I could find them and bring them back to you.”   

Kara’s shoulders began to shake as she buried her head in Alex’s neck. Eliza stood a few feet from them, watching her oldest soothe her youngest, her heart swelling and aching for Kara.

Alex pulled back from her sister and wiped away the wetness off her cheeks. Kissing her on the forehead, she grabbed Kara’s shoulders and looked into baby blues.

“We’ll always love you, _always,_ ” she said firmly. “Please never doubt that.” Kara nodded, looking to her right as Eliza closed the distance between them and grabbed them both into a hug.

“What do you say we get to the next step of the Kara Danvers birthday extravaganza?”

 

**

Four hours later, Alex and Eliza watched as the youngest Danvers cooed adoringly at a beautiful pastel-colored parakeet, the big surprise of the day planned for Kara. The two-month-old bird sat stock-still in his cage, every so often cocking his head at the sound of his new owner’s voice. After much debate, Kara had settled on Buzz for a name, after Buzz Lightyear, having just watched _Toy Story_ and found she had a lot in common with the space ranger (Alex had never seen someone cry harder when Buzz failed to fly off the staircase).

“So you can’t feed him avocado, Kara, even if you love guacamole,” Alex said as she read through the pamphlet given to them by the breeder.

“Well, that’s okay, as long as it doesn’t say I can’t dress him up in little hats, then we’re good,” Kara said cheerfully, her spirits completely lifted now that she had her own flying friend. She finally looked away from the cage, her face breaking out into her intensely infectious smile.

“I couldn’t have asked for a better Earth family,” she said, and Eliza felt a lump form in her throat. “Or a better sixteen sweet birthday present!”

“Sweet _sixteen_ ,” Alex muttered, playfully rolling her eyes. “So how about that cake, Mom?”

“Yeah, Mom, how about that cake?” Kara mimicked.

“Alright, alright, girls,” Eliza said, shaking her head. “I guess we can bend the rules and have cake before dinner.”

“You did get a big cake, right?” Kara asked hopefully.

Eliza and Alex both burst out in laughter, and Kara could only join in.

_Maybe Earth birthdays aren’t so bad after all._

 

**

After eating about half of a sheet cake meant to serve 20 people, Kara eventually called it a night and followed Alex to their room, both feeling beat. Eliza made a big show of tucking them both in, earning eye-rolls from both daughters but she knew they secretly loved a little mothering.

“Sweet dreams,” Eliza said, clicking off the lights and shutting the door.

Alex was close to dreamland when Kara finally shut her eyes after trying to wind down. Getting to sleep was sometimes a problem for her, especially after a lot of excitement; the sensations were so great and she hadn’t yet managed to block them out. Finally, she drifted off to fitful sleep, her mind filled with images of the sky…

_It was such a bright blue without a cloud, or a bird, or a plane in sight to break up the never-ending vastness. Kara was up high, higher than she had ever been allowed to go, and it was so freeing to literally have the world under her fingertips._

_Suddenly, a flock of geese passed her, their perfect ‘V’ shape gliding quickly through the air, their honking calls bouncing around in her eardrums. She moved to follow them, but something caught her eye above, something reddish and bright._

_She climbed higher, the cities below her becoming miniscule and the sun growing larger, feeding her energy. It was dizzying, the rush from Earth’s golden sun, unlike any sensation she had ever felt, and they were all heightened on this planet. Soon the atmosphere was beneath her, and still she flew closer to the red object, feeling like the yellow sun was begging her to reach it._

_Suddenly, Kara stopped mid-flight, her arms outstretched yet frozen. It was Krypton, just before it exploded – that was why it was so red. It was like looking at a solid ball of fire, and she could just make out the beginnings of cracks at the core, where the destruction had begun._

_The planet grew brighter and brighter, the cracks growing spiderweb-like while fissures erupted and pieces began to fly off into space. Kara could only look on. Her heartbeat felt like it stopped long ago, destroyed along with her home._

_Krypton began to erupt, the sound muffled like it was underwater. Kara watched as bits of rock floated past, ash raining down slowly onto her skin. It was over so fast and so much of it just blown to dust that Kara almost didn’t see the flash of silver, the wisps of dark hair just above her. It was Alura, grasping the family crest, her face bloodied but still intact, as though she had been in an accident. Kara started to fly upward, but the zero gravity kept her from moving faster, and Mother was going away, going away, going away, and the ashes, and the ashes_ –

Alex woke with a start. Kara had begun to hyperventilate, and her screams were threatening to become louder. She crossed the room in three steps and settled on the edge of her sister’s bed, grasping for her hands and putting a hand to her brow.

“Kara, it’s Alex, it’s just a dream, you’re okay, you’re okay…”

“NOOOOO!”

Before Alex could register what was happening, Kara had shot up and had one hand wrapped around Alex’s neck, squeezing tighter and tighter every passing second. Kara’s eyes were wild and dark, and as Alex gasped for breath, she felt sure that she couldn’t convince the Kryptonian to wake up and let her go.

 _Fuck, this is it, this is just like before_ –

Without warning, Alex fell to the floor as Kara released her grip, eyes rolling to the back of her head as she thumped back onto the mattress, her strength making the bedframe groan loudly.

Alex sat up and rubbed at her neck, trying to breathe deeply and struggling to push away the bad memories. She stumbled back into bed, turning away from her now-snoring sister. Alex fought against sleep that night, fearing another Kara nightmare or worse, one of her own.

The next morning, Kara didn’t remember a thing as she said goodbye to Alex and hugged her tightly as she packed her things into her car to drive back for classes. It was a curious thing, Alex had thought to herself, watching Kara skip back inside, that if a girl of steel couldn’t fight off her own nighttime demons, how could Alex ever ask her to fight the real demons of the world, even if that demon was Kara herself?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the parakeet thing is random but my gf has a parakeet so I thought it would be cute if Kara had a pet that wasn't a stupid dog or a cat like in the comics, plus I really want more flashbacks of her as a kid where she is weird about stuff like birds. Also pet birds really can't have avocado, this has been a PSA.


	9. mother monster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lena visits Lillian in prison for a more social call. Lena cries because that's who she is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a shorter chapter this time, but it's going to set some events in motion. Let me know what you think in the comments!

_Chin up. Push back your shoulders. Keep your spine straight._ Lillian’s voice echoed in Lena’s head as she strutted down a fluorescent-lit hallway in Stryker’s Island Penitentiary. She kicked herself mentally for giving in to her mother’s request via her limited phone time that Lena visit, for no other reason than Lillian had important information to share with the only “free Luthor left.”

Whatever her mother had up her sleeve, Lena sure as hell was going to show up dressed to the nines and practicing her best boardroom entrance. It was hard to intimidate Lillian Luthor, but Lena lost nothing by trying.

A few weeks had passed since Lena had last spoken to Kara Danvers as she threw herself into work, banishing the guilt and sadness until it hit her that she needed _someone._ Going back to Kara was out of the question; her depression complicated the romantic feelings she’d been trying to quash, and after the events of their last date, Lena was positive Kara didn’t feel the same way anymore.

 _How could she?_ Lena had thought to herself mere days after she kicked Kara out of her penthouse. _I mean, I wouldn’t want me after that._ Her mother’s phone call came at a particularly vulnerable time for Lena one late Thursday afternoon, after she had downed a second glass of red wine in her office to suppress the notion that the next day was Friday, a typical date night, and she would once again be alone.

“An inmate from Stryker’s Island is attempting to contact you. Please press 1 if you accept this call.”

Sucking in a deep breath, Lena had reluctantly accepted the call and didn’t wait to let her mother speak first. “Mom. How nice of you to call. Enjoying this beautiful weather we’re having?” It was petty, but Lena grinned nonetheless; sometimes getting little kicks in was worth it.

“We’re back to that term, are we? Spare me, Lena,” Lillian snapped, her voice cold but tinged with defeat. Lena raised an eyebrow at her mother’s tone and weighed her approach.

“What is it that you need, Mom?” Lena said sweetly, knowing that breaking her façade would lead her right into Lillian’s plot, whatever it was. She needed to be cautious.

Lillian sighed, and Lena’s lips turned up into a smirk. Breaking down her mother’s defenses was almost impossible, especially for the youngest Luthor.

“I’m requesting visitation from you,” Lillian said quietly. “We have matters of business to discuss. Among…other things.”

“What other things?” Lena pressed. “I’m terribly busy, you can have your lawyer send whatever documents that need looked over-”

“It’s not just for _that,_ Lena,” Lillian snapped again, but with less bite to her tone. “It’s…family matters. Regardless of the fact that you are the only free Luthor left, you don’t abandon family. _Your_ family.”

Lena pursed her lips and closed her eyes. _She doesn’t love you. She doesn’t love you. She doesn’t-_

“Fine. When?” Lena said tersely.

“Saturday, 10 am. At least be presentable.”

 

**

The guard opened the visitation room door in the solitary wing, the steel groaning against the scuffed floor. Lillian faced the door, shackles glinting in the lone light above the table.

“You got twenty minutes, ma’am.”

Lena nodded and walked in, ignoring her mother’s Cheshire cat smile as she took the seat opposite. Hands folded neatly in front of her, avoiding resting her elbows on the surface, Lena cocked her head to one side and decided not to speak first.

“Lena,” Lillian said after a minute’s pause. “It’s good to see you.” The woman’s voice was quiet and her face reflected exhaustion, though her eyes betrayed her: she wanted something, and Lena likely had no choice but to provide it.

“Are you well, dear?”

Lena narrowed her eyes at her mother. “I’m just fine.”

It was Lillian’s turn to look at Lena questioningly. “You certainly don’t look fine.”

“I’m sure you didn’t ask me here to catch up on my wellbeing,” Lena said. “Could we please get to whatever it is you wanted me here for?”

Lillian cleared her throat and began to shift uncomfortably. Lena frowned; her mother rarely showed anything other than strict poise. _Maybe prison life is getting to her. Good._

Swallowing once more, Lillian looked up at Lena and offered a small, sad smile. “Truth be told, Lena, I do miss…you. And home.” Lillian looked down, avoiding Lena’s confused gaze.

“Of course, I suppose I brought this on myself, didn’t I? What with Lionel gone, and Lex serving all those life sentences…I thought I could bring a sense of unity back, finish what Lex started, really make the message _clear._ But I failed,” Lillian trailed off then, and stretched out her arms, reaching across toward Lena’s clasped hands.

“But you, my daughter. You could bring some more dignity to the Luthor name,” Lillian said, a tenderness to her voice Lena had never heard before, not in her twenty years as Lillian’s adoptive child.

“I’d like to repair our relationship, if that’s possible,” Lillian continued, her voice softer. Lena bit her lip and looked into watery blue eyes, searching for a hint of untruth. “I know you don’t believe me,” Lillian said, ducking her head to look up at Lena from under her lashes. “But I don’t know how long I’ll be in here, and, well, while a girl does need her mother, a mother needs her daughter just as much.”

Lillian grasped Lena’s hands then, uncurling them and linking them with her own. Lena softened her grip, slightly shocked into silence at her mother’s uncharacteristic admission of loneliness. There was only one surefire way to tell if she was lying, if she meant it at all, and Lena had to ask; her heart was aching for some comfort, and Lillian was offering a perfect package.

“Isn’t Lex just across the way, here? In his own private prison? Surely he is ideal company,” Lena said, nearly spitting out the last sentence. There was no way Lillian would take Lena over her son’s companionship.

Lillian chuckled. “I thought you might mention that. Lex is rarely allowed visitors, and when he is, well, let’s just say we don’t have productive conversations.” Lillian’s eyes began to water again, and she moved her hands up to slowly wipe them away.

“It’s just us now, Lena. We’re the only Luthors left.”

Lena met her mother’s eyes again, feeling a foreign sense of pride mixed with confusion. For once Lillian was acting like a real person toward her, and of course it was happening in a prison. She felt a lump form in her throat as she thought back to her now-friendless life; one that likely no longer included Kara Danvers, a small beam of light in Lena’s dark past and future. Tears pricked at her eyes then, as she considered spilling the events of the past month to her mother, the woman who emotionally tortured her for years but was, as of that moment, giving Lena the sense of acknowledgement she desperately needed.

 “Lena,” Lillian said quietly, tracing a thumb over Lena’s hand. “I can tell something is bothering you. I’d like to be your mother, if you’d give me the chance.”

That was all Lena needed to hear. With a gasping sob, she let the tears flow freely as she confessed the events of the assault to her mother, trying to spare details but failing. It was getting so tiresome, to repeat this story even a second or third time; it just never stopped hurting. Lillian’s face remained unchanged until Lena was done, ending her story with the police informing her that Lex had, once again, interrupted her life in such a damaging way she almost preferred the assassination attempts.

Still gasping quietly as she cried, Lena reached into her purse for tissues when the guard opened the door and announced that they only had about five minutes left. Lillian sat with her back flat against her chair, with an unreadable expression as she regarded her sobbing daughter.

“Please say something,” Lena choked out. “Please…”

Lillian’s jaw was set, eyes suddenly back to being entirely cold, freezing over whatever warmth had been in them minutes before. “Alexander…sent a man to…”

“Yes,” Lena whispered.

They stared at each other for a moment before the guard opened the door once again and walked in to usher Lena out. With one last glance at her mother, Lena gathered her bag and began to walk out when the quiet, warm voice was back, motherly waves washing over her.

“I’m sorry, Lena.”

Lena could only nod, remembering to pick up her chin and look straight ahead as she walked out the door, the sound of her heels clacking hollow and distant in her ears.

Underneath a singular, dim light, clad in an orange jumpsuit and shackles, Lillian Luthor’s eyes grew narrow and lips curled into a sneer as she sent a quick text on a phone hidden in the waistband of her jumpsuit.

_She’s broken. It worked._

As another guard entered to take her back into her cell, she had just enough time to read the response.

_From: Alexander L._

_Excellent._


	10. so close

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lena and Kara are never on the same page.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the previous chapter was VICIOUS and awful and I could say this one is better, but you'd have to form your own opinion. 
> 
> Who knows, maybe Lena laying on Kara's shoulder a la the 2x18 promo could make a cameo here sometime in the future, possibly.

Patience was not a virtue in Kara Danvers’s book, especially when being ignored by the richest person in National City. She had eventually stopped texting Lena six times a day and had reverted to a simple “hope you’re having a good day” or variations thereof. All of them, for nearly a month straight, went ignored.

Kara had stopped herself every morning from marching up into Lena’s office and demanding the woman let the Kryptonian back in. Just the thought of the fear in Lena’s eyes after their last encounter, after that amazing, breathtaking kiss, left Kara unable to be the cause for Lena’s pain ever again.

The reporter had started to live monotonously, even barely participating in sister night with Alex, her favorite night of the week. Without Lena, or even Lena’s messages, Kara felt lost. There had been so much unspoken between them, and with everything Lena had gone through, Kara had hoped she could be the one to at least offer a shoulder to cry on.

Sometimes, even Kara knew hope wasn’t enough.

“Why the long face, Kar?”

Alex studied her sister’s composure as they worked through pizzas and potstickers with _iZombie_ on in the background. Sister night had arrived, and yet Kara was resting her head in her palm, not even cracking a smile at Liv’s dry humor. She looked withdrawn, exhausted, but overall, her little sister was heartbreakingly sad.

 _A world with a depressed Kara Danvers was much dimmer, indeed,_ Alex concluded to herself.

“Kara…hey. Look at me,” Alex said quietly, and reached for the Apple TV remote to pause the show. Kara didn’t look up, but she shifted enough for Alex to move closer and wrap her arms around her sister’s shoulders.

They sat like that for a while, Alex playing with Kara’s low ponytail and rubbing her biceps in smoothing circles. Finally, Kara leaned back to face Alex, face forlorn and eyes downcast.

“It’s Lena, isn’t it?” Alex asked tentatively, and Kara nodded, tears pricking at her eyes. One slipped down her nose and Alex caught it, swiping Kara’s cheek tenderly with her thumb.

“How is she doing?”

“I wouldn’t know,” Kara’s voice came out in a near whisper. “I finally saw her, we met for lunch and then dinner at her place that night…” She trailed off, wiping at her eyes.

“I hurt her, Alex,” she said sadly. “We were…kissing and she had a flashback, I tried to help her calm down but she yelled at me to leave. I’ve texted her every single day, I haven’t gone to her office even though it’s killing me to see her. I’m so…”

Kara wrapped her arms around her middle, feeling small and more vulnerable than Alex had seen her in a long time. It was then that Alex finally understood: her sister was deeply in love with Lena Luthor.

 “She doesn’t want me, Alex,” Kara sobbed, confirming Alex’s thoughts.

“Oh sweetie, c’mere,” Alex said, brows knitted together in concern. Kara fell into her lap, shoulders shaking with each sob.

Pressing a quick kiss to her hair, Alex spoke to her soothingly. “She doesn’t hate you, you silly girl. She’s afraid, she’s been through something pretty horrible-”

“But I caused it!” Kara burst out, sitting up abruptly. “I-I had put my hands on her neck, I didn’t even think, I just wanted her with me so bad…” She continued to cry and Alex couldn’t help but pull her sister back into her lap.

“Oh, Kara,” Alex whispered into blonde wisps of hair. “You’re so good. Lena knows,” she whispered again. “She knows you.”

 

**

Kara ended up crying herself to sleep that night, and Alex left her softly snoring on the couch just before midnight. The Kryptonian awoke earlier than normal for work, feeling drained despite sleeping so heavily. She dressed slowly, putting together the plainest outfit she owned, opting to reflect just how un-sunny she felt.

Kara made it the six blocks to her favorite bakery before she decided against having breakfast, her appetite gone. _You know it’s bad when I don’t even want a sticky bun,_ she thought bitterly to herself.

The time read 7:28 as she looked down at her phone, a full hour before she usually got in to CatCo. Groaning inwardly, Kara used the extra time to take a walk, hoping that fresh air would help lift her spirits as the morning sun rose.

After wandering around for twenty minutes, Kara finally looked up at her surroundings to find she was standing directly outside of the L-Corp building. Its sleek exterior shone brightly at the top where the sun hit, and Kara had to resist the urge to use her x-ray vision to get even a glimpse of the elusive CEO.

Had she been paying closer attention, she would have noticed the sound of expensive heels clicking her way on the sidewalk, their pace slowing as the noise grew closer.

“Good morning, Kara.”

Whipping her head around, Kara turned to face beautiful light-green eyes, the ones she longed to look into for far too long. Lena offered her a small smile, lips painted in a rosy color, hair pulled back into a high ponytail.

Though the CEO was sharply dressed in a classic white blouse and black trousers, Kara still noticed the bags under Lena’s eyes, the way her mouth was still downturned despite the tiny greeting smile.

It was all Kara could do to not pull the other woman into her arms and never let her go.

“Um, hi, uh, morning to you, too,” Kara blurted nervously, shifting her bag higher on her shoulder to keep her hands busy. “How does your things go-, uh, how are your things…um.”

Kara shook her head as she struggled with forming a simple sentence. _Danvers! You spent last night CRYING over her! C’MON!_

Lena chuckled quietly and put a hand on Kara’s arm, squeezing gently.

“I’m just fine,” she said, a hint of mirth behind her eyes. Kara smiled back. _At least the awkwardness counts for something._

“Getting an early start to work as well?” Lena inquired, her hand still on Kara’s arm. Kara unconsciously looked down at it, and Lena slowly withdrew, her arm coming to a rest at her side.

“I, ah, just happened to wake up earlier than usual,” Kara stammered out.

“And you also just happened to walk the twelve blocks to my building?” Lena asked in a mock accusatory tone.

Kara blushed. “It seems my legs have a mind of their own.”

Lena chuckled again, sending Kara’s heart into break mode; she’d give anything to hear Lena really laugh again. The brunette blushed this time under Kara’s bright smile, rubbing at the back of her neck to ease the tension of seeing the blonde again after so long.

“Well, I should—”

“So I was hoping—”

Both women stopped, awkward smiles on their faces as they waited for the other to speak first.

Lena cleared her throat.

“You first.”

Kara bit her lip, confidence wavering after they interrupted the other. But Lena, her Lena, was there right in front of her, and she couldn’t miss her chance.

“I, well, I’m glad I ran into you, ‘cause it’s been a while, and uh, I was hoping we could maybe have a redo of our last date?”

She cringed inwardly; redo wasn’t quite the word she wanted. Lena also appeared to flinch at the utterance, and Kara quickly tried to salvage the moment.

“I mean, not a redo, of course not, just, you know, have another date—”

“Kara,” Lena cut her off, her tone harder than before, “I don’t know that I’m quite, ah, ready to be…in something. Not right now. I think maybe we should stop things, before one of us is hurt,” she finished, tilting her chin and straightening her posture. “I’m sorry.”

Kara blinked, her forehead coming to a crease as she felt the loss in the pit of her stomach. “Oh—okay,” she managed, not bothering to hide the disappointment in her voice.

Lena nodded and took a step back toward the L-Corp entrance.

“I really should go,” she said quietly. “I’m sure I’ll see you around, Kara.”

Kara worked her jaw for about two seconds; a quickly-growing flash of anger had started to replace the emptiness in her belly, and it was becoming impossible to quell.

“So this is it, then?” Kara called out before she could stop herself, her heart rate thumping to the angry beat in her head. “You ignore me for a month, and then, what, you’re done? You just want to kill what’s between us?”

Lena turned back, her green eyes narrowing at Kara’s sudden outburst.

“That’s not how it is, Kara, you heard what I said—”

“Yeah, I heard that you’re done with me, with us,” Kara spat. Her eyes softened as she watched Lena’s face fall; this was not what she had planned for their first conversation in weeks.

“I have only wanted to be there for you,” Kara started again, this time her voice breaking against her will. “I’ve texted and called and made sure to keep my lunch hour open, in case you wanted to catch up again…” she trailed off, blinking furiously to keep tears at bay.

“I _really_ miss you, Lena.”

Lena took a deep sigh, looking at the ground and then away from Kara, who had wrapped her arms around her middle. Stuffing her hands into her pockets, Lena looked back into watery blues, jaw tight and lips pursed. Kara steeled herself for whatever was coming.  

“I’m sorry,” Lena said again, straining to keep her voice even. “What was there before, Kara, I just don’t…it’s not going to work. I can’t have that distraction in my life right now.”

Kara felt her heart drop so heavily, it might as well have landed on the ground. She had nothing left on the table, short of telling Lena she was in love with her. It seemed Lena had made up her mind, and Kara was going to be shut out of the CEO’s life permanently, without much of a struggle.

Kara hated giving in, especially when she could just feel that Lena didn’t mean what she said, no matter how many times she adopted the powerful-woman tone at Kara.

_I can’t give up on you._

“Lena, _please_ , this can’t just be it–”

“But it IS!” Lena raised her voice this time, turning the heads of a few passersby. She shot a glare at them before turning it on Kara. “I don’t owe you anything, not an explanation, a date, _nothing._ Respect my need for space, Kara, if you can even muster that,” she snarled, and turned on her heel to march into L-Corp.

The bubble of anger rose in Kara’s chest once more, and this time, she wasn’t going to stop. “So you’re throwing the chance at us away, for what, going back to being pathetically alone?”

Kara instantly regretted her words as soon as she said them, but the damage was done. Lena stopped dead, her shoulders tense. Kara, wanting to immediately fix her mistake, took a few steps forward but paused when she saw Lena’s shoulders suddenly droop, her head hung low on her chest.

“Lena, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean—”

“Don’t,” Lena’s voice came out in a tiny whisper, ragged and full of such sadness that Kara’s eyes welled up again. “Please…don’t. Don’t try to contact me again.”

The brunette straightened and walked briskly to the front doors without so much as a glance back, leaving the tearful, crushed reporter to let hot tears fall on the sidewalk.

 

**

Kara had been staring up at her ceiling since she had gotten home from work three hours ago. Her day had continued to spiral downward after the incident with Lena: a huge mess of a semi accident on a bridge led to lots of heavy lifting from Supergirl, which took hours; Snapper reassigned Kara to write about “bullshit viral internet shit” after she told him she was no longer comfortable covering L-Corp, and because she was out too long “covering” said bridge incident; and then Alex had the nerve to gush about how cute Maggie was for getting them into some exclusive lesbian club that weekend, and wouldn’t Kara like to come, since Maggie went to the trouble of getting a third ticket?

Kara didn’t have the heart to tell her no, or explain why she wasn’t being her usual gushing self. The encounter with Lena left her head spinning. On one hand, she finally was in the presence of the person whose companionship she craved most; on the other, she let her anger get to her once again.

_I’m disgusted with myself._

By the end of the week, Kara had exhausted her emotional and physical strength, having thrown herself into every call that came through, even if NCPD had it handled. A tiny part of her hoped that Supergirl emergencies would keep her mind off the radio silence from Lena, but of course, such a feat was impossible. Minutes after getting into the office Friday morning for her 8 am meeting, Snapper launched into a tirade directed mostly at her about L-Corp no longer allowing CatCo special access besides typical press kits and events. Confused but not really listening, Kara brushed it off until she opened her email to find a message from “the executive personnel at L-Corp” stating quite plainly that her unlimited access to its CEO, and subsequently, the entire building, had been revoked.

Kara had let out a dry laugh at the email, shaking her head as she absentmindedly drove a pen through the very solid wood of her desk, imagining instead that it was a dagger piercing her heart. _It might as well be._

Just days ago she had vague plans to win Lena back. Then in a matter of seconds that chance was gone, love slipping right through her fingers once again.


	11. hollow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The path to Lena's self-destruction leaves more casualties than it should. But maybe that was the point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Buckle in kids, this one's bumpy.

Letting go and never thinking back was Lena Luthor’s favorite way of coping, with drinking copious amounts of wine a close second. Sometimes she combined the two to mix it up. Whether those methods were healthy or not was of no consequence to Lena, because they _worked_ , and she was proud of that.

In theory, Lena should have sent the – rather harsh – email banning Kara Danvers from the premises indefinitely and then deleted the events of that day entirely from her mind. This would then have been followed by drinking her favorite 2004 merlot, going to bed, and then going on with her life.

Instead, Lena instructed Jess to send Kara the email after debating it for much of that day, and afterwards she found herself crying silently at her desk after realizing the implications of such a move. She did drink the entire 2004 merlot, but that did not come without intermittent bouts of more crying as she failed to stop herself from swiping through Kara’s various social media accounts (which, she noticed, had not been updated in some time, though that gave her little comfort).

Saturday morning rolled around, and this particular one meant an early start for Lena and Jess to prepare for budget meetings on Monday. The two finished before 4 pm, a record, and Lena decided not to give either of them any more work so they could enjoy the rest of the day.

Lena was finishing up one last email when Jess re-entered her office, looking somewhat pleased with herself and holding an envelope.

Lena regarded her with her famous eyebrow lift.

“And what might that be in your hands, Jess? Last-minute invite to some pointless gala?”

Jess smirked and strode to Lena’s desk, sliding the envelope across. Lena looked at her questioningly again, but received no response. Sighing, Lena tore it open to find a VIP pass to Coven, National City’s very-exclusive lesbian club (Lena had yet to know just how many rich lesbians National City had that made the club so hard to get into).

“Jess. What the hell is this?” Lena asked curtly, waving the pass. “What makes you think I’m, uh, I’m even interested in—”

“Ms. Luthor. Please. My job is to know everything about you,” Jess said with a slight air of haughtiness. Lena smirked, almost proud that Jess was being so bold. “Besides…the tension between you and Ms. Danvers is very palpable and I’m sorry I’m saying that right now because something obviously happened but that’s why I secured this pass _for_ you, in the event, that, I don’t know, you needed to, um, just get her out of your mind for a night?” Jess ended the last part with a squeak, and Lena couldn’t help but laugh.

“I do pay you to be this perceptive, don’t I?” she said, and Jess smiled. “But that’s all you’re getting out of me about…Ms. Danvers. And _yes,_ ” she huffed, before Jess could open her mouth again, “I will go. If only to get you to leave me alone about my love life.”

Jess smiled. “Of course, Ms. Luthor. Have a good weekend.”

 

**

Lena had once thought of herself as a witch when it came to powers of seduction and persuasion. That quickly dissipated when she met Kara, who knocked the air out of her lungs and turned her into straight jelly. Seated in a club called Coven was exactly what Lena needed to get the image of the beautiful blonde out of her head.

She didn’t have to wait long. She was extremely recognizable, and though she knew she might suffer for this in the news the next day thanks to everyone whipping out Snapchat, she didn’t care. After rebuking a few women, she settled for a tall, femme blonde one and told herself she was totally not doing this to substitute for Kara. _No way._ _I have a type. Blondes are my type. It’s fine._

She let Rey buy her drink after drink until her head was cloudy and Kara’s face was hidden in shadows, giving Lena free reign to shove her tongue down Rey’s throat while allowing the stranger to let her wandering hands do as they pleased.

 

**

Across the club, Maggie Sawyer nudged Alex Danvers toward the sight of Lena Luthor and her current indiscretion, and Alex, biting back anger, nodded to her girlfriend and went to find Kara, who was the last to get inside.

“Hey! So! Maggie, um, said tables are usually free over there,” Alex rushed out, pointing in a vague direction toward the back, “so let’s head that way and she can go to the bar?”

“Um, sure,” Kara said feebly, already feeling sensory overload by the noise and lights. Alex quickly glanced to her right as she herded Kara to their destination, making sure to block her sister from seeing what would surely tear her apart.

Maggie came back quickly with drinks, setting a large fruity one in front of Kara, who gave a tiny smile in return as she sipped it slowly. She didn’t care to be there, and only dressed in her tightest, hottest dress at Alex’s insistence. Pulling out her phone, Kara scrolled through Facebook and Tumblr before getting bored, deciding to check Snapchat before putting it down again.

Sifting through her contacts’ snap stories, she tapped an old classmate’s and saw that she, too, was at Coven. Kara flicked through her story, ignoring the photos of colorful drinks and drunk white girl poses until she came to a video.

Kara’s mouth gaped open as she watched the video zoom in on Lena, who looked like she was having her face consumed by some tall blonde, with the caption below them reading “lesbian luthor got GAME.”

The video ended with the woman handing Lena a shot, who threw it back and laughed. Kara watched it four more times before her vision became blurry and wet spots started to appear on her phone screen. Wiping at her eyes angrily, she stood up too fast, knocking over all their drinks right onto the floor.

Alex stood immediately and came to her side, brushing Kara’s hair out of her face.

“Hey, what is it, what’s wrong?” she asked worriedly.

Kara turned to face her sister, features contorted in anger. “I shouldn’t have fucking come here,” she growled, and Alex raised her eyebrows in surprise. Kara never swore. “I need to leave.”

She started to head down the steps when Alex pulled her back a little, eyes pleading with Kara to give her the full story.

“It’s Lena,” was all Kara said, and Alex silently cursed social media for ruining everything. There was only so much she could do physically to prevent Kara from seeing something she shouldn’t. She circled her arms around her sister and kissed her hair.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to stay,” Alex promised, and Kara nodded, quickly turning away and moving through the crowd.

“Let me guess. Someone posted a photo of Luthor and that woman,” Maggie said when Alex came back to sit. Alex nodded.

“Had to be something like that.”

Maggie watched Alex’s lips purse together and she started to shake her head. That was a look she knew well.

“Alex, I know what you’re thinking, but do not. This is between them,” she chided, but Alex only gave her a stony stare back.

“There’s more to it than you think, Mags,” Alex growled, and hurried down the steps in search of Lena.  

Maggie stood too, accepting that she wasn’t going to have her fun night out and left to go get the car, muttering something about “god damn Danvers sisters” as she exited.

 

**

Alex found Lena in the VIP lounge, having thought briefly to make a quiet entrance and instead opted for what Kara called her “show and tell move”: a quick flash of her gun and badge paired with a few nasty words got her in past the bouncer more quickly than she expected.

“Luthor!” Alex all but yelled as she stormed in, shoving past tipsy girls. Lena, sitting in a corner with a blonde woman on her lap, slowly pulled her lips off the woman’s neck and looked up at Alex, who towered over them in her best DEO pose. Lena gestured to the woman to stand up, and she scurried past Alex without so much as a glance back at the CEO.

“Thanks a lot, Agent Danvers,” Lena said, her words coming out slowly as she glowered up at Alex. “She was probably my top pick for company tonight.”

Lena smirked up at Alex, smugness written in her expression, but the elder Danvers had no patience for whatever Lena was doing, especially because Kara’s heart was in the mix.

“Get up,” Alex hissed, grasping Lena’s wrist and pulling the drunk brunette to her feet. “We’re leaving, and don’t even _think_ about resisting, because we both know you won’t win.”

Leading them out of the lounge and toward a backdoor exit, Alex kept a tight grip on Lena’s hand as the latter stumbled behind, eyes bleary from the excessive alcohol. It was a cool night, and Lena was grateful for the fresh air, hoping it would help get her head back on straight.

Alex watched Lena out of the corner of her eye as she sent Maggie a quick text to let her know where to pick them up. The woman was absolutely drunk, but not so much that Alex couldn’t pull out all the stops to get answers for Lena’s behavior.

_Nobody gets to break Kara’s heart like that, regardless of what happened._

Alex took a step forward and crossed her arms, preparing to launch into a series of accusations and threats but stopped when she saw tears streaking down Lena’s face, mascara dribbling along with them. She sighed. It always stopped being fun when the subject broke down before she got to do anything.

Tentatively reaching out to place her hands on Lena’s shoulders, Alex mentally kicked herself for relenting, but something about girls and crying always did her in.

“Lena…Lena, c’mon, let’s talk,” she said quietly. Lena swayed a bit as she wiped at her face ungracefully, smearing more black across her cheeks. Her bloodshot green eyes met Alex’s soft brown ones, and Alex tried to regain her DEO composure for Kara’s sake. She wasn’t going to let herself feel bad for this really tragic, sad, broken rich girl. _Absolutely not._

“I didn’t know what else to do,” Lena whispered hoarsely, taking a step back from Alex’s touch. “I just–there’s nothing anymore, Alex. I don’t…feel anything. Ever.” She moved toward the curb and sat down, not caring about getting her dress dirty. Alex followed suit, struggling to contain both anger and sadness. _God damn it, I can’t be like this, Kara is depending on me–_

“And do you know what the worst part of it all is?” Lena choked out, not waiting for an answer. “I have no one to talk to. I feel guilty all of the time. I went to my _mother_ for support, what a fucking joke that was…god, I fucking hate myself, I just wanted to forget, pretend I didn’t hurt Kara, just let whoever do what they want with me because that must be all I’m good for, anyway…” Lena put her head to her knees and collapsed into sobs, and Alex sat there listening, relating, nearly reliving the past as Lena spoke.

“Lena,” Alex began, once again kicking herself, “I…understand, what it’s like, to…break off pieces of yourself and scatter them around because you feel like you’re falling apart anyway,” she rubbed Lena’s back as she spoke softly, yet holding her tone firm. “But you have to listen to me. Kara is my _best friend._ She’s my baby sister. And I can’t watch her get her heart shattered. She doesn’t deserve that. _You_ don’t deserve that,” Lena looked up, eyes shining as Alex spoke, her eyes hard on the CEO.

A pair of headlights interrupted their conversation as Maggie’s car rolled to a stop in front of them, the detective looking concerned as she shut off the engine. Alex gave her a quick nod before helping Lena to her feet.

“Let’s get you home.”

 

Alex and Maggie walked Lena upstairs to the penthouse, who unlocked the door with shaking hands and let the couple in, quickly closing and securing the entrance with the alarm system.

Alex shared a knowing look with Maggie, who shrugged. She’d get the full story once Alex was satisfied she and Lena were on the same page.

Lena led Alex to the balcony as Maggie waited inside. The cool breeze at that height was sobering, if only slightly. She could feel Alex’s eyes on her as she stood against the railing, looking out at the city lights and wishing more than anything that it was a certain bespectacled reporter behind her, holding her close before going to bed.

Alex cleared her throat and Lena closed her eyes at the loss of her fantasy, preparing herself for the rest of Alex’s empty threats.

“Look, Agent Danvers,” Lena said, turning around to face Alex. She twisted her ring around her finger as she continued, “I’ll…stay away from Kara, okay? I think our friendship was on the brink of destruction, anyway–”

“That’s not what I was going to say.”

Lena frowned. “You weren’t?”

“Not even close,” Alex said, crossing her arms over her chest. “I know we’ve talked about our sort of…mutual distrust in Kara when it comes to the bad things that have happened. But I’ve recently been open with her about me, and she’s been so focused on trying to do the right thing for you, that I can say with absolute certainty that it killed her to know what you were doing tonight at the club.

“But that doesn’t have to be it. At all. In fact, I’m going to insist you make this up to her, _and_ start taking better care of yourself.”

Lena stared at Alex in surprise. She hadn’t expected this, not after everything Kara had told her about Alex and her overprotective nature.

“I’ve been you, Lena,” Alex said. “I’ve been depressed and in terrible pain and nothing about what happened to you is okay, and it never will be. But you owe it to yourself to let her in. She’s one of the good ones.” Then Alex chuckled, shaking her head. “Actually, she’s probably the best “good” person I know.”

Lena’s eyes welled up again, feeling for the first time in months a barely-there blip of hope. “I–I…thank you, Alex.”

Alex nodded, and turned to head back inside. As she slid open the glass door, she paused, allowing a little bit of her pent-up anger from earlier events bubble to the surface. She faced Lena once more, her expression suddenly cold.

“Don’t break her again."

 

It was nearly 3 in the morning before Lena began to give in to sleep. Her feelings for Kara were supposed to be uncomplicated after that night, unraveled to serve two purposes: one, her friendship with Kara would go down in flames, as much as it killed her; and two, Lena’s heart would be free of entanglements, so she could channel her emptiness into something more productive.

Yet Alex’s intervention left her casting doubts on her plans, because maybe the agent was right in the end, that she deserved better. As Lena walked back inside, she went to turn off the kitchen light, but stopped short, taking in the one thing she avoided most in her own home. She stared at the white light glinting off the marble counter, mocking her in how it could simply be wiped down as if nothing ever occurred. It was hopeless, she thought, to wish so hard each night that the pieces of herself lost to rape could be given back. There was no taking back the past.

Settling into bed, Lena reached underneath her bedside table to retrieve the encrypted L-Corp phone she designed herself and unlocked it, as she had done every night since visiting her mother in prison. Swiping to her saved forwarded messages, she read and re-read the words exchanged between Lillian and Lex, the ones she swore never to forget. The cold empty feeling deep in her stomach slowly dissipated, and instead a burning rage crept up her throat as she imagined the level of sub-humanity it took her own _mother_ , her own _brother_ , to execute such an evil act.

 _I may be falling apart,_ Lena thought, closing her eyes to let hot tears fall, _but a crumbling tower can still be deadly when it comes down._


	12. filling in the cracks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some kissing and making up is on the agenda.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm being NICE to our ladies this chapter!! Shower me with praise in the comments (or tell me I'm super annoying idk)

Kara Danvers was annoyed, and not because it was Monday.

She’d spent the rest of Saturday night gorging herself on ice cream; she briefly considered going to the bar and drowning herself in Aldebaran rum, but the thought of waking up hungover and then immediately thinking of Lena kissing someone else made her heart feel heavy.

Throughout much of Sunday, Kara tried not to scour Twitter for any mentions of Lena, to absolutely no avail: the CEO’s night out made the rounds on gossip sites, with the most retweeted photo showing Lena with her tongue visibly on another woman’s lips. As Kara swiped through the comments, she winced at the aggressive, lewd language directed at _her_ woman.

 _Ugh, god, she’s not mine, why did I even think that??_ Kara berated herself, tossing her phone a little too hard across her kitchen counter, where it skidded and dropped screen-first on the hardwood floor. It didn’t shatter, but the cracks in the screen were enough to send Kara over the edge. She cried on and off the rest of the day.

So she awoke in a bitter mood, cursing herself for letting her thoughts stray to Lena. The irritable air around her was so palpable when Kara got in that even Snapper noticed; he decided that he would pick on the rookie reporter on Tuesday. Some battles didn’t need to be fought.

By quarter to noon, Kara had broken several pens in half, the ink spilling and pooling onto the carpet; dented her trash can after throwing balled-up drafts as hard as she could at it; and dutifully ignored eleven texts from Alex, the last five of which had become increasingly angry in tone.

10:13: _Idk why you aren’t answering but I want just cheese pizza tomorrow when I come over, it’s my turn to pick, fight me_

10:21: _Wanna get lunch today and catch up?_

10:56 _: Kara. You know I hate when you do this._

11:24: _I’m not doing this today. ANSWER ME._

11:43: _I can make you talk, you know, I’m not above storming your apartment and not leaving until you talk to me_

Groaning out loud in frustration, Kara slammed a fist into the desk, putting a dent right next to where the pen was stuck from last week’s outburst. She was in the middle of sending an angry, paragraphs-long response to Alex when another message popped up.

It was from Lena.

_Can we talk?_

“NOW you want to talk?” Kara all but yelled to herself incredulously. It was bad enough she had wasted all her energy crying her heart out and then not eating the night before; Lena breaking the unofficial silence between them was too much, too soon.

But then she remembered the way Lena stiffened after her careless remark that day outside of L-Corp; Lena's face in anguish after their first kiss since the assault. In typical Kara fashion, the realization she hadn't been as considerate toward Lena hit her way after the fact. 

She had to make things right. 

Kara sent a quick reply back to Lena, suggesting they meet for lunch. Her reply came seconds later.

_It’s a date._

_**_

Lena Luthor wasn’t known for being fidgety; her assistant Jess often thought her boss was made of stone, because she rarely (if ever) saw Lena break her icy stare during meetings, or even so much as look nervous before a speech. Yet, arriving ten minutes early for lunch with the woman she’d rebuffed so many times was enough for Lena’s hands to shake.

The CEO chided herself after sending the “it’s a date” text to Kara, not wishing to send any mixed signals, but that was exactly the problem. Lena had so many unsorted feelings going every which way, many of them in relation to the blonde reporter, that it was hard for her to focus. This lunch would be her last chance, though, to get back into Kara’s good graces. Alex Danvers had a way with persuasion, and besides, Lena felt badly for pushing away the only person who showed her any kind of real affection in a long time.

Kara also happened to be the only one who could get in touch with Supergirl for Lena. Now armed with devastating information on her scheming family, she needed to move quickly for her plans to be set in motion.

 

She nervously glanced up from her phone just in time to see Kara walk in and look around. Their eyes met and Lena half-raised her hand in greeting, relaxing when Kara shot a genuine smile back.

“Hi,” Kara said as she slid into the booth across from Lena. She adjusted her glasses, as she always did when she was nervous; it was so adorable that Lena felt a surge of tenderness for the blonde, and without thinking, grasped Kara’s hand across the table.

“I’m sorry!”

They both blurted this in unison, and after a beat, Kara was the first to let out a short laugh, Lena joining her.

Rubbing her thumb across the back of Kara’s hand, Lena parted her lips, ready to launch into her impromptu apology, but stopped when Kara stilled her movements.

“Can I go first?”

Lena nodded. Kara adjusted her glasses again and took a deep breath.

“I…did a lot of crying over you, this weekend,” she confessed, not quite meeting Lena’s eyes, “and I was really hurt, seeing you with that other woman all over the internet, and also the whole banning me from L-Corp thing–”

Lena winced. “I am _really_ sorry about that–”

Kara offered a smile. “I know,” she said sincerely. “But I understand…to a point. I realized that maybe I wasn’t being so fair to you, after everything.” Kara sniffed, and Lena noticed that her eyes had suddenly become wet.

“I want you to be happy, Lena,” Kara continued in a quieter tone. “You mean a lot to me, and I want to say I’m sorry, for not being as understanding as I could’ve been.” The blonde wiped at her eyes and sighed. “I hope you can forgive me.”

Lena felt her heart break in two. Part of her knew what she had said and done to Kara would be hurtful, but she didn’t care in those moments, and now she was paying for it. Watching Kara Danvers come apart was something she never wanted to witness again.

“Of course I forgive you, Kara,” Lena said, heaviness in her voice. “But I owe you an apology too. I haven’t been this close to someone in…well, _ever_ , and I know that what you saw or heard was hurtful.

“It didn’t mean anything,” she added hastily, and Kara perked up a little. “I am still trying to heal, I guess, and, well, what I was doing in the club – it wasn’t really the best way.” Lena felt tears form in her eyes then, too, and she swallowed the lump in her throat, willing herself to push through the mess they’d made for themselves.

“However,” she paused, watching Kara stiffen. _This is never going to be easy, is it?_ Lena thought darkly. She cleared her throat and started again.

“However…I still need some time, if you would be willing to wait?” Lena hadn’t meant to say that last part, but she found she didn’t regret it when she saw Kara relax and bite her lower lip in a way that could almost – _almost –_ make Lena change her mind right then and there.

To Lena’s surprise, Kara reached for her hand once more, and swiftly brought it up to her lips and kissed her fingers. Her feather-light touch made Lena swoon, and she _never_ swooned.

“I feel like I’ve been dying to hear you say that,” Kara murmured, and Lena’s eyes fluttered closed. The romantic gesture was so genuine that her heart thundered hard in her chest, and had it been any other time, perhaps in a different life, Lena would have kissed Kara hard and dragged her home, spending the rest of the day entangled in her bed.

But it was no such time, and Lena felt herself begin to tense, a nervous, prickly sweat forming down her back. She slowly withdrew her hand, trying to keep it steady as she met Kara’s eyes again. Noticing the brunette’s guarded expression, Kara quickly let go and placed both hands in her lap.

“I’m so sorry, I was getting carried away,” she spluttered, rubbing at her neck. “It’s just, it’s been a long time since I, since we…” she trailed off, looking hopeless, but Lena understood.

“It’s okay, Kara,” she said calmly. “I can’t blame you for, um, wanting more.”

Kara’s eyes went wide. “Oh! Oh, no, it’s not…no,” she rushed out, shaking her head. “I meant it’s been so long since I simply held your hand.”

“Oh,” Lena managed, feeling relieved. Her drunk self might have enjoyed being adventurous with physical contact, but while sober, Lena was wary of any unsolicited touch of any kind.

With Kara, though, things felt a little safer, even if she wasn’t quite ready yet.

The waiter came by then and the pair quickly ordered, then easing into polite conversation about work. They ate fast, Kara more so than Lena, as their free time was dwindling.

Kara insisted on paying, as “another token of my apology,” and Lena reluctantly allowed it, trying not to blush.

It was right as they were about to part ways after leaving the restaurant that Lena remembered her secondary motive for inviting Kara out.

“Kara, I know we’re not quite back to where we were, yet,” Lena began, “but I need a favor.”

Kara placed a hand on Lena’s bicep and squeezed gently. “Anything, Lena, always.” Lena smiled gratefully.

“I need to get in contact with Supergirl. It’s about Lillian and Lex.”

Kara nodded.

“Just tell me where and when and she’ll be there.”


	13. not every prison has bars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here are some more mommy issues that no one asked for

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I updated the tags, but wanted to say here too that there's some implied child abuse here. Nothing explicit, just some more of Lillian and her sick mind.

Like most mothers, Lillian Luthor had a sense of pride for her children’s accomplishments. She held them both to the highest standards, not only because they were Luthors, but because she knew they possessed great intelligence.

Lena watched Lillian and Lionel rave on and on about Lex and his grades, his projects, his ability to honor the Luthor name. Lillian would grasp her son in a tight hug, press a kiss to his cheek upon reading his report card; Lionel offered his best firm handshake, sometimes even a one-armed hug. She wanted nothing more than to also make her parents proud and earn their affection.

Of course, that came with a price.

Every break, Lena sat with her parents at dinner, politely answering questions about school while internally preparing herself for the inevitable discussion on how she stacked up academically against her peers. The outcome was typically the same each time, because her grades rarely faltered: Lionel would offer a warm smile and a short nod, before going back to his magazine or laptop; and then Lena would shyly turn her eyes to her mother, the harshest critic. Those nights made up the only few times Lillian gave Lena a genuine smile and the occasional tender squeeze of her hand, but the validation eased the youngest Luthor’s deep-seated worry of disappointing her parents.

She only had one slip-up, toward the end of her sophomore year at boarding school. Lena had finally made more friends, having gotten over her debilitating shyness after many years abroad enough to join clubs and play sports. The late nights spent laughing with girls from similar backgrounds made her forgetful, and homework became a low priority. Only one of her classes suffered, but the damage was done. Her spring break was over before it even started.

Lionel made short conversation with his daughter that night at dinner, and Lena tried to respond, her voice shaking as she looked back and forth between her father hardly listening to her and her mother staring at the middle of the table. The tension and cold silence from Lillian had killed her inside.

“I’m really sorry,” Lena finally burst out, eyes filling with tears. “I was careless, it won’t happen again–”

Lillian slammed her hand so hard on the table that even Lionel looked up in surprise. Lena flinched, closing her eyes to avoid Lillian’s icy stare.

“Look at me, Lena.”

Lena had looked up then, swallowing hard. “It was stupid,” she stammered, “I _am_ really sorry, I can bring it up next semester–”

Lena faltered then, as Lillian folded her hands on the table in front of her, her gaze never leaving Lena’s. “We try hard the _first_ time. Otherwise the chance at greatness is lost. Do you understand?”

Lena nodded. “Yes.”

“Yes, _what?_ ”

“Yes…ma’am.”

Lillian sat back, her stare still in place. Lena could never understand how she resisted blinking. It only made her more afraid of her mother. “Go to your room.”

Lena got up then and hurried up the stairs, reaching her room in a few short strides. She knew there was no point in arguing or trying to come out until the morning. She checked the alarm clock next to her bed. It was 7:45. It could be hours before she was met with a real punishment, so Lena opted to sleep, before her nightmares began. 

 

The unusual sound of laughter and loud conversation awoke Lena the next morning. Dressing quickly (Lena had made the mistake of wearing pajamas outside of her bedroom only once, and the offhand insults were enough to make her never repeat it again), she made her way downstairs.

The kitchen counter was covered in food: mounds of pancakes, waffles, and fruit covered every inch, and two giant pitchers full of mimosas at either end. Lillian sipped at a glass, smiling widely at a sharply-dressed, thin man leaning over the counter.

“Lex!”

Her older brother whipped around, his own smile matching his mother’s as he opened his arms for a giant hug.

“Hey, stranger,” he said fondly, and Lena realized suddenly how much she had missed him then.

“Look at you, all fancy,” Lena said back, smiling up at him. Lex swung an arm over her shoulder, tugging her close like he used to when he lived at home.

“Yeah, well, look at you, all tall and beautiful and stuff,” he quipped back. “You’re making me feel old. Doesn’t she look so grown up, Mom?”

Lena shuffled her feet as she stared at the ground, remembering her mother’s disappointment. But Lillian smiled back at Lex, her blue eyes surprisingly full of warmth.

“She sure does,” Lillian remarked. “Lena, breakfast?”

Lena looked up and tried not to look shocked as Lillian piled a plate high, even allowing her a mimosa to celebrate Lex’s visit. The trio ate breakfast together, sitting casually on barstools while Lex caught them up on his time abroad doing research for LuthorCorp. He was in the middle of telling them a funny story about an experiment gone wrong when the distinct sound of the front door shutting quieted them. Lionel was home.

Lillian immediately started to clean up and Lex sat up straighter while Lena looked down once again, knowing what was coming. Her father and Lex in the same room often turned disastrous; for once Lena wanted her family to do _normal_ family things, like talk at breakfast, instead of fading into uncomfortable silence the moment her father’s presence froze the room.

Lionel walked into the kitchen then, all polished and handsome in a navy suit and perfectly trimmed, greying beard. Passing by Lex without so much as a glance, he stopped to stiffly kiss Lillian on the cheek and greet Lena. A few moments passed as he poured himself a cup of coffee, sipping it as he looked across the counter at his son, who wasn’t making eye contact.

“Alexander, care to talk in the study?” he said, but it wasn’t a request. Lionel walked slowly back the way he came, and Lex slid off his stool to follow, but not before turning to wink at Lena.

The silence fell heavily again as Lena pushed around the food on her plate and Lillian continued to tidy the space. The youngest Luthor briefly pondered how best to leave the house that day, because Lillian was only happy when Lex was around, and he surely wouldn’t be much longer once his conversation with their father ended.

Lena brought her plate to the sink, rinsed it, and placed it in the dishwasher, trying to escape the kitchen as quickly as possible. Before she could get through the doorway, Lillian interrupted her.

“How about you and I get out of here, hm? You still need a dress for the spring gala this weekend.”

Lena stared at her. Lillian had not once taken her clothes shopping. Her wardrobe usually just showed up in her closet; she had her measurements taken every couple of months.

“Um, I don’t, I have plenty of those,” Lena managed. _Any excuse not to be near you today._

“Nonsense,” Lillian scoffed. “A girl can’t have too many nice things to wear. Now, go get your shoes.”

 

Lena shoved her hands deep into her jeans pockets as Lillian dragged her to an upscale boutique, sending her into the dressing room with a ridiculous amount of clothes to try on. She sighed as she took in the dresses and skirts piled high in the dressing room. None of them truly suited her, and Lena knew she wore her exasperated look well when she was forced to don the clothes approved by her mother.

 _What I wouldn’t give for just a pair of jeans and a t-shirt,_ Lena thought to herself as she slipped into the first dress off the pile, a pale pink number with lace overlay and a modest neckline. She had just begun to zip it up when Lillian knocked twice and entered before Lena could answer.

“Thanks for knocking,” Lena muttered under her breath as Lillian swooped in, sifting through the pile and holding some up. She struggled with the top of the zipper, as her hair had gotten caught, and to Lena’s dismay, her mother noticed and took over.

Lillian finished zipping and moved Lena’s hair to one side as they both regarded the dress in the full-length mirror.

“I don’t mind it,” Lena said, at the same time Lillian tutted, “These people here haven’t any idea how to pick clothes for someone so fair.”

“What?” Lena said absentmindedly, as she flared out the skirt, looking herself over.

“You really shouldn’t wear something so bright,” Lillian continued, scrutinizing her daughter. “That pale skin…Lex always had such a healthy glow to him,” she said casually, before turning back to the pile of clothes. “It’s really a shame you aren’t a blonde, that color could be dashing on you.”

Lena felt her cheeks burn as she reached behind for the zipper once again, the familiar feeling of shame dropping in her stomach. _I should have seen this coming._

“Try this one,” Lillian said, and held up a plain navy dress that had a clearance sticker on the tag. Lena took it slowly, trying not to meet her mother’s eyes as she pulled off the pink lace.

The navy one fit fine, but hugged curves Lena didn’t know she had; it was also sleeveless and was lower cut than the first. At sixteen, Lena was still awkward in her body, despite the changes, which were accentuated by the material of the dress.

“Oh, much better,” Lillian said, looking Lena up and down. “This at least doesn’t wash you out.”

Lena bit back a retort, knowing better than to defy Lillian at all, at the very least in public. “Um, but…I mean, it’s kinda short for a gala? Won’t it just be all of Dad’s friends and stuff? Other important people?”

“ _Our_ friends,” Lillian corrected, coldness suddenly in her voice. “And it’s still a modest piece. You should learn how best to hold and present yourself, _especially_ around important men.”  
Lena frowned. “I’m sixteen.”

Lillian raised an eyebrow, a cold smirk creeping across her face. “Men are simple, Lena. Your father will raise the money while we keep up appearances.” She moved Lena’s hair to the side again and stared hard at both their reflections in the mirror. “And you can do just that without hardly even trying,” Lillian murmured, her hands resting lightly on Lena’s shoulders. Lena swallowed thickly as her mother ran her hands down Lena’s arms, coming to wrap around the girl’s wrists. Closing her eyes, Lena slowly took a deep breath, her dress feeling tighter and tighter around her middle.

Lillian’s phone rang then, interrupting her strokes on Lena’s arms. She pulled it out and looked at the number, then leaned in to talk softly into Lena’s ear.

“You can be my good girl and look pretty for our friends for a night, right?”

Lena nodded, her words catching in her throat. Lillian backed away, the cold smirk still on her face as she exited the dressing room. Lena opened her eyes then, surprised at how calm and still her reflection looked, as though nothing vile had just left her skin.

It was when Lena reached up to take off the now-offensive dress that she noticed both hands were curled into fists.

**

**Present day**

Lena rolled over in bed, dreading the day despite it barely being dawn. Her childhood memories of being afraid of both parents intruded her thoughts as she prepared herself to once again pay her incarcerated mother a visit. The night after meeting Kara out, Lena’s better-than-average Monday was ruined with a phone call from the prison stating that Lillian was once again requesting her presence. This time it was an automated message, leaving Lena with less details about this meeting than their previous one, but this time, Lena had information on her side.

Her plot to spy on her mother and brother had worked: the week after Lillian was booked at Stryker’s, the CEO received a tipoff that her mother was sniffing around, trying to wheedle someone into pulling in contraband from outside. Acting quickly on this development, Lena paid a small fortune for a private investigator to stand in as a CO and slip bugged phones to both Lex and Lillian. Lillian’s perception of her influence must have clouded her judgment, Lena mused, because the two instantly began to share coded messages that left Lena mostly confused. It was only until after Lena’s visit to her mother that her suspicions had been correct: Lillian had assisted in setting up an attack on her daughter.

So Lena began to take careful notes of each message sent. They were usually vague and sparse; sometimes the pair only communicated every two weeks. Yet there was enough for Lena to deduce that a plot involving L-Corp resources was in the works, and Lillian’s visitation request only confirmed it.

It wasn’t until Lena was nearly to Stryker’s that it struck her: Lillian’s trial and the fifth anniversary of Lex’s sentencing to Death Row were, coincidentally, on the same day two weeks from her second visit. She suddenly understood what Lillian wanted from her. As she looked out her tinted windows at the looming prison, surrounded by grey waters and skies, she fought down the sour taste of disgust settling in her mind. _My time will come._

Lena waited in a similar cell-like room again, this time being told to wait for her prisoner mother to be brought down. Out of habit, Lena found herself plucking at her dark shirt and picking invisible lint off her skirt, doing anything she could to minimize her mother’s scrutiny.

The familiar sound of heavily reinforced doors reverberated around the empty room, and Lena forced herself to look straight ahead as her mother was guided to the chair opposite. Once her shackles had been fixed to the table and the guard gave them their twenty-minute warning, Lillian cleared her throat.

“I’m going to be quick about this, Lena,” she said tersely, as though this meeting was interrupting her busy day. “Lex and I need your help.” Lillian reached into her jumpsuit and retrieved the L-Corp issued phone. Lena forced herself not to act smug.

“Read that first message.”

Lena scanned the message, which was one she’d already intercepted, but she had practiced her shocked face just in case. She leaned in, keeping her voice low.

“Have you both lost your minds?” she hissed, her act still fully in play. “How do you know this conversation isn’t being monitored currently?” Lena knew the answer, of course, but it was best to let Lillian think she had the upper hand.

“Some of the COs here seem to understand the Luthor ways of…ethics,” Lillian explained. “We are safe from detection, for now. Do your best to memorize that information. I understand that you have a, let’s say, a personal connection to National City’s resident alien?”

Lena quirked up an eyebrow, already one step ahead. “I do.”

“See to it that she is left completely unaware of future activity at Stryker’s,” Lillian said, the demand in her voice cutting Lena deeply. The tug to completely give in was coming on strong, but Lena had thought this through. _I have control here. She doesn’t know a thing._

“I assume this is a way to distract her attention?” Lena asked, gesturing to the phone.

“Precisely,” Lillian said. “Tip her off, do whatever you have to do, just ensure that we are given enough headway to…explore other means of isolation.” Her timeless smirk crossed her features again as she let her eyes roam over Lena slowly, as if she was memorizing every detail. Lena fought off a shudder.  
“Black isn’t your color, darling,” Lillian cooed, her voice sticky-sweet. “Although I will say, you do exude a kind of…dominance, in all black. Quite intimidating.”

“Don’t,” Lena hissed before she could stop herself. Derailing the intent of any one-on-one in _that voice_ was Lillian’s specialty, and Lena couldn’t let herself fall trap to it. Not today.

Lillian cocked her head, gazing at Lena with something that could be mistaken for love. “You know, it’s a shame you don’t visit more often. Seeing you, all grown up and leading the company…it makes me so proud.” Lillian leaned in further, eyes flashing with a kind of cruel amusement as she lowered her voice. “Though, I can’t imagine we could continue our…games in a not-so private setting, hm?”

Lena bit her lip and looked away, the hair on her neck prickling. Lillian reserved that voice for quiet moments between them, where no one else could see or hear. Sitting in front of her mother then and hearing it for the first time in over a decade chipped at Lena’s armor, the one thing she fought to keep impenetrable after enduring years of abuse and eventually rape.

_I have to stay strong. She won’t win._

Lena looked back at Lillian then, forcing herself to smile. “I find black to be neutral. It works for me.”

Lillian opened her mouth to say more but the creaking metal sound of the door interrupted her, guards stepping in to signal the end of the visit.

“You have what you need?” Lillian asked in a low voice, her blue eyes piercing Lena’s.

Lena nodded once, sliding the phone across the table and slipping it into her bag.

“That’s my good girl,” Lillian murmured, and Lena curled her hands into fists to keep them from shaking as both Luthor women were led out, one to her cold, gray cell, and the other to the endless prison that was her life.


	14. honesty is a virtue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Luthor gives a Super some info. Kara is impulsive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> who cannot wait for The Episode™ tomorrow aka The One Where They Cuddle On The Couch & we see Katie McGrath's gorgeous face grace us once again

It was nearing 11 pm when Lena finally made her way to the roof of the L-Corp building. She patted both pockets to ensure, for the fiftieth time, that the encrypted phone and written coordinates were still there. Supergirl was due to arrive at any minute, and she needed, for her own mental sake, to be extra prepared. The meeting had been wracking her nerves since leaving the prison a few hours prior, when she texted Kara asking to pass along the meet time to Supergirl.

The reporter confirmed that the details had been accepted by Supergirl, and Lena couldn’t help but feel a little guilty at Kara’s eagerness to do her a favor. Talking with Kara for the first time since they’d fought outside Lena’s building had given her hope things could work out, someday…as long as her plans didn’t end up destroying them both first.

A flash of blue and red hovered just above the roof then, and Lena looked up, watching Supergirl descend gracefully, landing just next to Lena. Despite herself, Lena smiled; the Kryptonian never seemed to understand the concept of personal space.

“Ms. Luthor?”

Lena studied her for a moment, tracing the outlines of her face as the light reflected off brazen, baby-blue eyes. The familiarity was startling, but Lena couldn’t be sure, didn’t _want_ to be sure, so she offered Supergirl a tight smile instead.

“Good evening, Supergirl,” she said, taking a few steps forward and mirroring the super’s stiff pose. “Thank you for meeting me.”

Supergirl looked over Lena slowly, eyes coming up to meet Lena’s own but then stopping at her lips. Lena’s one raised eyebrow brought Supergirl back to the present.

“Um, yes, of course,” the hero said, keeping her voice even. “Kara Danvers mentioned this was urgent?”

“I believe it is. However, I do have some information to share with you first and foremost, so that you understand where I’m going with this,” Lena said, and withdrew the phone from her pocket, turning it on.

“You remember our last conversation, about my brother sending someone to rape me?”

Supergirl flinched a little at Lena’s bluntness. Lena hadn’t been this way around Kara Danvers, the hero thought; what was it about the suit and cape that made Lena so forward?

“Yes, I-I remember. Are you, um, how are you-”

Lena held up a hand and shook her head. “Please, don’t. I’m still alive, aren’t I?”

Supergirl didn’t respond, instead taking in the sadness in Lena’s eyes, but didn’t push it.

“What is that?” she asked, pointing at the phone in Lena’s hand.

“ _This,”_ Lena said triumphantly, a smirk on her face, “is a hell of a lot of evidence you will need to put a stop to my mother and brother for good. We can see how long any judge in this country would allow them to waste taxpayer dollars sitting in Stryker’s once this is out.” Lena handed the phone to Supergirl. “Read.”

Blue eyes grew wide as Supergirl read the messages over a few times, disbelief showing on her face. It was a series of exchanges between Lillian and Lex, containing plans to remotely move a shipment with unnamed substances for the development of a project entitled ‘Lexor.’ No names were used, only initials; their texts appeared to be deliberately vague, but it was enough to understand the motive.

“I don’t understand,” Supergirl said finally, looking up at Lena. “How were these even intercepted? Stryker’s is, like, the Fort Knox of prisons. But times ten.”

“Well, they should restructure how they vet their guards,” Lena said smugly, “because it was almost too easy to bribe them to slip contraband items to Lillian and Lex.”

Lena received a blank stare from Supergirl, and she let out a sigh.

“I bugged the phones,” she said, exasperated. “Right around when Lillian was being booked. So I paid someone to stand in as an officer to get on her good side. Obviously that extended to Lex, and when he and mom, I mean, _Lillian,_ were sniffing around, asking for favors, I decided to help them out. I needed to keep tabs, because apparently, my _family_ ,” she spat the word, “is amazingly adept at evading punishment.”

“That is…really impressive,” Supergirl said, and Lena could tell she meant it. “But how will they be moving…wait, what exactly _do_ they have?”

“After Maxwell Lord was imprisoned, L-Corp acquired some of his more…extreme chemicals,” Lena explained, pacing as she talked. “I bid on them to keep them out of evil hands _again_ , and to see what my R&D team could do to implement them into clean energy sources…but either my security is lacking, or my mother and brother are sneakier than I thought.”

Lena looked up at Supergirl, caution in her eyes. “It’s synthesized kryptonite, Supergirl. An entire shipment has gone missing.”

Supergirl tilted her head back, hands resting on her hips. “Shit,” she breathed. “That is…bad.”

Lena cocked an eyebrow. “Yes, it is _very_ bad. I should have destroyed it when it came into my warehouses, but the research simply isn’t complete on how to safely dispose of it. Normally I don’t keep up with what substance is where – there’s just too much to keep track of for one person, so I’d delegated that kind of monitoring to various VPs. But once I saw these messages, I needed to dig deeper.”

Supergirl nodded. “So you need me to do some spying.”

“Well, not just you,” Lena corrected. “I don’t have the resources your team does to stop them, nor can I monitor Stryker’s much longer without raising suspicion,” Lena took a deep breath, feeling weary. Doing reconnaissance on incarcerated family members took a lot out of a person, she quickly realized. As she placed the phone back into her pocket, she touched the slip of paper and withdrew it, handing it to Supergirl.

“Before I forget,” Lena muttered. “That – to the best of my knowledge – is where they plan to execute this Lexor project, and the likely hiding place of the kryptonite. Lex really kept a good record of things before he was sentenced,” she explained, and Supergirl nodded slowly as she tucked the coordinates into a hidden pocket in her suit. “One of them being where he hid all of his top-secret science projects. Russia is neck-deep in LexCorp tech.”

Lena adjusted the belt on her trench coat and frowned at Supergirl, who was giving her a soft look in return.

“What?”

“This is a good thing you’re doing, you know,” Supergirl said quietly.

Lena felt her face burn. _This is so not the time to be blushing, idiot._ “I’m just doing what needs to be done,” she said flatly, and Supergirl cocked her head, pursing her lips.

“Don’t _look_ at me like that,” Lena growled, but there was little bite to her voice. “This is no heroic act. It’s like what I told Kara the day I met her. I’m simply trying to distance myself from them and make my own way.”

Supergirl held up both hands in surrender. “Alright, I understand, you hate compliments,” she smirked, and Lena died a little inside, because the superhero’s mouth looked so very inviting and warm.

_And really very familiar…_

Composing herself into her best CEO stance, Lena regarded Supergirl once more. “I think that’s all I have for you.”

“Is that a dismissal, ma’am?” Supergirl joked, and Lena looked at her in faint amusement, lips twitching.

“I should think so, Supergirl.”

The hero nodded, and took a step back. “I’ll leave you to your evening, then, Ms. Luthor.”

Lena gave an awkward nod back, turning around quickly so the super didn’t see her face flush. _This is all so much. And, god, if she doesn’t remind me of–_

“Wait…Lena?”

The CEO spun around to see Supergirl still standing there, concern etched on her brow.

“I…wanted to ask, before you go…” Supergirl cleared her throat as she took a few hesitant steps forward. “You never did say about what…happened to you has to do with all of this.”

Lena swallowed, regretting the slip-up earlier. She came to deliver information on her mother and brother, not invite a pity party. Or a counseling session.

“I’m sorry,” Supergirl blurted, noticing Lena’s discomfort. “You don’t need to say anything, I won’t push, gosh, that was pretty insensitive of me, wasn’t it–”

“No,” Lena said slowly, and the Kryptonian stopped babbling. “No, it wasn’t.” She reached into her pocket for the phone once more, making up her mind to tell someone for once what had been eating at her for days; how an act so evil was made somehow worse after learning it happened with her own mother’s involvement.

Finding the message that was permanently scarred into her mind, she handed over the phone and immediately looked away. Crying in front of a superhero was not about to be added to her list of embarrassing moments.

However, Lena heard Supergirl gasp, and she gritted her teeth, eyes closing shut over the dam of tears threatening to spill. Then she felt a strong, warm hand on her shoulder, and she gave up the fight, turning into the Kryptonian’s arms. Lena let out heaving sobs as Supergirl held her tightly, one hand rubbing her back slowly.

Kara let her head rest against the top of Lena’s, fighting back tears. She, too, had found out about her mother’s betrayal, but she wasn’t sure it compared. _That woman is no mother. She’s a monster._

She gritted her teeth but continued to soothe Lena’s sobs, wanting more than anything for the brunette to heal.

They stayed that way for a while, Lena gradually calmed by the superhero’s (always surprisingly) gentle hands. It was hard for her to leave that warmth; besides from being just so _nice_ , for some reason Supergirl felt like home, and Lena Luthor was in desperate need of one.

Finally pulling back, Lena wiped at her eyes and looked up at Supergirl, taken aback to find that her eyes had darkened, a flash of anger taking over flawless features. The hero’s hands were bunched into fists as she stared into space, almost disregarding Lena entirely.

Reaching out a hand, Lena tried to ease the hero back into a state of calm.

“Supergirl,” she said in a near-whisper, tightening her grip on the super’s arm. “Come back to me…”

Supergirl turned her eyes toward Lena, a sea of navy set in a bloodshot background, the skin around her eyes reddened by tears. Lena had never seen the superhero look anything but brave.

“What’s–”

“I’ll kill them, Lena.”

Lena stared at her, raising an eyebrow at the outburst. “You’re no killer.”

“There are some lines you have to cross for justice.”

Lena took a step back and watched Supergirl’s chest heave, her eyes looking wild and intense.

“That may be,” Lena murmured, stepping again into the super’s space and taking a strand of the hero’s hair around her fingers, just like the last time they spoke. “But this isn’t one of those times.”

Supergirl blinked, eyes narrowing at the CEO. “And why not?”

Lena didn’t meet her gaze, instead staring intently at the hero’s ‘S’ crest. _No amount of hope could undo it all._

“I’m just not worth it.”

The superhero’s jaw dropped and she crossed her arms, clearly angered by Lena’s stubbornness. “I don’t understand you at all. They plotted to do that _to_ you, your _mom_ , Rao, and your _brother,_ Lena, they _broke_ you–”

“Stop!” Lena raised her voice and shoved herself away from the super. “You don’t think I know all of that? That I don’t feel utterly betrayed, and…and _lost?_ I have _no one,_ Supergirl. Nobody to piece me back together. Just me.”

Supergirl moved back toward Lena this time, a smile tinged with sadness on her face. She wrapped her arms around the CEO again, and Lena relaxed into them. She could allow herself to forget her anger, just for a moment.

Resting her chin atop Lena’s head, Supergirl squeezed the brunette a bit tighter, enough for Lena to feel secure; but also enough for the girl beneath the suit to fall for the Luthor woman just a little more, her urge to protect her as fierce as ever.

“You’re not alone, Lena Luthor,” Supergirl whispered into dark locks, her voice firm and confident. “You have me.”

 

After Supergirl flew off after their lingering embrace, Lena pulled out the encrypted phone once more. The plot between her mother and brother that left her feeling like ashes was still displayed, a glaring reminder of how hatred corrupts. _And that hatred may very well be corrupting you,_ a tiny voice hissed somewhere in the back of Lena’s mind. She shook it away, fighting off the immense guilt at using Supergirl to further her own plan, the one she had calculated to obliterate the last of the evil that tarnished her name.

_It’s for the greater good, and if I don’t do it soon, I don’t know that I can continue on._

She quickly exited the screenshots, tapping the messages icon and selecting the very first contact.

_She has the location._

_From: Lillian_

_Well done, my daughter._

 

**

Kara liked to take to the skies to think, and Lena had certainly given her enough to sift through. She would have to loop in J’onn and Alex, but she had a nagging suspicion that Lena hadn’t given her the full story. The brunette’s breakdown left Kara little room to question her further, nor did she have the heart to do so; Lena had already suffered enough.

It was time to go to work.

 

Work, it turned out, was not as supportive of the plan as Kara hoped.

It was extremely late, going on two in the morning, and Kara had given up attempting to explain her rationale for doing a simple recon mission in Russia. Alex and J’onn immediately went into full red-flag mode, launching into every possible outcome for said mission that usually ended with some variation of ‘Lena is a bad person.’ 

Kara was slumped over the circular table in the middle of the tactical room, her eyes glazed over as she watched Alex erase yet another chart on the dry erase board. Winn and James had taken over crime-fighting duties for the night, which, to Kara’s dismay, left her at the mercy of her older sister.

“Kara, are you here? Listening? At all?”

Kara slowly turned her focus to Alex, who had her hands on her hips and was glaring intently at her sister. “Yep. Affirmative. Got it.”  
Alex’s glare turned darker, which Kara didn’t see often, and she knew she was in for it this time. “Don’t be sarcastic. You had a secret meeting with _your girlfriend,_ who doesn’t even know about your super identity–”

“I told you, she isn’t my girlfriend–”

“And she fed you all this info on her very much imprisoned mom and brother and you just took it at face value and didn’t even bother to challenge her, just let her jawline entrance you, _again–”_

“For Rao’s sake, Alex–”

“You could be playing with your _life,_ Kara!” Alex yelled, and the few agents stationed around them got quiet while Kara finally grew attentive, surprised at the outburst.

Alex closed her eyes and shook her head, her face crossed with worry. “I just…with everything that’s happened with Lena,” she said, then looking up at Kara and lowering her voice, “I worry she’s been coerced to do what her family demands.”

Kara straightened and turned to walk into the lab, motioning for Alex to follow. Once away from prying ears, Kara let out a deep sigh as she plopped onto a nearby table, being careful not to send it crashing through the floor. Alex waited intently as Kara tried to gather her thoughts on how to tell her sister the series of vile sins Lena’s family committed against her.

In the end, Kara’s word vomit won out.

“Lillian and Lex _plotted_ to…attack Lena,” Kara forced out, unable to use the actual word for what happened to the youngest Luthor. “They inadvertently admitted it to her, and I think she needs them gone for good. Like…possibly sped-up-death-penalty type situation.”

Alex looked at her questioningly. “She said that?”

“Not in so many words, no, but…yeah, pretty much,” Kara said, and another surge of fury rose inside her as she remembered what she spat out in her fog of anger over Lena revealing what Lillian and Lex had done.

“I’d kill them before any system could, Alex,” Kara said in a low voice, and she felt the heat behind her eyes threatening to explode the entire lab. Alex quickly stepped to Kara’s side and gripped her upper arms, grounding her sister.

“Don’t let it sneak up on you, Kara,” Alex said calmly, and she saw Kara’s chest heave, trying to regain self-control. “Supergirl isn’t a killer.”

Kara looked back at Alex, her eyes returning to their normal blue, but the rage, the sadness, was still intact. “What about Kara Zor-El? I don’t have to be Supergirl or a Danvers to end them, Alex.” She started to cry then, tears running down her face and shoulders shaking. “I-I _love_ her, Alex, Rao, she’s…she’s _everything,_ and they broke…they _took…”_ Kara’s words faltered as her older sister wrapped strong arms around her neck, running a soothing hand through blonde strands. Kara pulled back suddenly, a stunned expression taking over.

“I’m–I’m so sorry, I forgot, well, I didn’t forget, but you…I’d kill him too, Alex, I’d do anything to take that night back for you, anything,” Kara sobbed, and Alex rubbed her shoulders, a small smile on her face.

“I wish you could too,” she said, her own eyes wet. “I’ve been on the path to getting better, though, okay? You’ve been the best little sister I could ever ask for. You always have my back, and we both have a lot of support. I’m going to be okay.

“But Lena…Lena’s _not_ okay yet, and I don’t think Kara Zor-El is a killer, either, no matter how evil this world gets,” she said gently. She kissed Kara’s forehead, then gave her a stern look.

“This anger…you can’t let it take over. You understand those consequences.”

Kara dropped her gaze, her shoulders drooping at Alex’s words. Alex was right: neglect of her powers on her part could result in more pain, more destruction. But the girl beneath the sunny disposition of Kara Danvers and the steel armor of Supergirl lost so much, so long ago, and that fed her rage. For as long as the ones she loved suffered, Kara Zor-El would too.

If going against protocol would help Lena leave her family and their actions behind her, she would do it, rational thinking be damned.

“I’m sorry, Alex,” Kara whispered, and suddenly the older Danvers sister was alone, an earpiece shoved into her hand. The last thing she saw was a flash of red and blue whirling up and through the DEO, high in the atmosphere before Alex could move to the giant window.

As Alex watched the dot that was her sister fade into the night, she touched her fingertips to the glass, her chest tight with worry.

“Try to come back to us, Supergirl.”


	15. nobody knows what it's like

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara investigates. Alex lectures. Lena discovers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHOA two chapters IN ONE NIGHT
> 
> TW mentions of child abuse and sexual assault

_Lena Luthor lied._

Kara repeated this to herself over and over in her head, the truth slowly dawning on her as she triple-checked the area supposedly containing the stolen red kryptonite. It took three hours to reach the secluded field in Russia, which she had concluded was somewhere near the Mongolian border. Not a single soul was in sight, nor were there any signs of an underground hideout or suspicious substances. The hope that Kara could be the reason for Lena’s new start had dissipated; her stomach instead roiled with anger, mostly at herself for falling for it.

Lena had wanted this, Kara concluded; wanted Kara – _Supergirl,_ Kara had to remind herself – to be as far from National City as possible. But after everything Lena had told her, after all the vile things Lillian and Lex had carried out, what was her angle?

_Could Alex be right? Is her family controlling her decisions? Could she be that weak…?_

Kara shook her head, berating herself for prematurely condemning Lena. The woman was broken, she’d barely let Kara back into her life, and there was nobody else to offer emotional support. But something still didn’t sit right with the Kryptonian. Kara decided that it was best to tread lightly, if she intended to investigate further with Lena as her primary source.

**

 

As Supergirl made her trek back across the Pacific Ocean, the sounds of explosions and screams echoed across a rocky island thousands of miles away that was home to the world’s most violent offenders. Each wing of the prison was in flames, and bombs were still going off, inmates and staff unable to reach safety. Two of its most infamous members quietly and quickly moved through the hallways without sparing a glance back at the chaos, finally making it to the southeast corner where a black van waited, windows completely darkened and lights off.

A thin man wearing a bulletproof vest slid open the door as the duo approached, frantically looking behind him as flames and sparks grew, the smoke billowing high above the now-destroyed prison.

“You’re late,” he hissed, his voice shaking. “And I said I’d take the mil for an hour but it’s been nearly two, so the rate has gone _up,_ Luthor, or I swear–”

His threat fell silent as he dropped to the ground, a clean hole shot through his forehead. Lex lowered his gun and twisted off the silencer, tossing it to the ground. He climbed in the passenger seat beside his mother, who gave him an irritated look.

“That was a waste of a bullet, Alexander.”

Lex shrugged, tucking the silver gun into the waistband of his orange jumpsuit. “He was being defiant.”

Lillian shook her head and switched on the ignition, hitting the gas hard as they drove down the winding path to the edge of the island. Waves looking like black ink splashed up onto the surface, the sound nearly drowning out the approaching chopper. Lex and Lillian jumped out of the van, the latter reaching the helicopter’s dropdown ladder first with her son following closely behind. They settled in behind their pilot, Lillian nodding silently as she and Lex fastened on their headsets. Behind them, Stryker’s Island blackened and burned, its inhabitants lost to the fire or to the waves below.

**

 

In typical Kara fashion, she arrived at the DEO in full hero mode, ready to launch into her findings before Alex could give her the third degree. What Kara didn’t count on was the utter disarray of the usually-calm secret government agency.

Groups of agents were running at full speed, some armed; others were stationed at the computers, where Vasquez and Winn were barking orders; and J’onn Jonzz stood directly in the center of the chaos, his eyes trained on Kara, face entirely unreadable. Kara gulped.

“Okay, this looks bad, but–”

“Training room. Now.”

Kara relaxed her posture, eyes downcast as she trailed after the director. J’onn scanned them into the kryptonite-laced training room and Kara immediately avoided Alex’s piercing stare, shuffling off to the side and bracing herself for a harsh reprimand.

“I’ll just get right to it, Kara,” J’onn said sternly. “Lillian and Lex Luthor have escaped prison.”

Kara’s mouth dropped open. “Like…today? How – did nobody–”

“A series of explosions went off, taking down different sections of the prison incrementally. FBI and Homeland Security confirmed with some of the surviving prisoners that they witnessed the Luthors escape,” J’onn explained. He crossed his arms, biting his lip before he continued.

“Ah, Kara, we also, well, it was imperative that we got–”

Alex interrupted him, her tone flat, but her expression was all anger. “We had to bring Lena in.”

Kara met Alex’s stare with an equal amount of fury. “You _what?_ ”

“Before you lose it on me,” Alex began, “understand that a lot of this is on _you,_ and the idiotic decisions you’ve made over the last, oh, seven or so hours–”

“ _I_ was investigating a _very_ credible tipoff from Lena, who hasn’t done _anything–_ ”

“ _You_ took off with an apology and without any way for me to track you, Kara, I literally had to rely on _hoping_ you would make it back, and then suddenly Lena’s mom and brother are busting out of the most secure prison in the world, no big deal–”

“Ladies!” J’onn all but yelled, throwing his hands in the air. “Agent Danvers, Supergirl will be disciplined for her extremely reckless decisions–” Kara started to pout but stopped instantly when J’onn gave her a sharp glare – “and Supergirl, Ms. Luthor was taken into custody for her safety. She’s given her statement and we’re confident she hasn’t been involved. But there’s no predicting with Lillian and Lex. We’ll need to monitor her home and offices to ensure there’s no attempt on their part to contact or endanger her.”

Kara swallowed thickly, nodding at J’onn’s explanation. She wrapped her arms around herself, the crimson cape on her shoulders suddenly feeling heavy. Maybe leaping at the chance to help Lena without any other leads to go on _had_ been a bad plan, she realized, and her stomach dropped at the thought that Lena (or the general public) could have been hurt in Supergirl’s absence.

Alex took notice of Kara’s sudden silence and looked at J’onn, who nodded and exited the training room. She reached Kara’s side, squeezing her shoulder in a comforting gesture.

“There is one more thing,” Alex said, softer than before. “Lena…she’s been asking for you.”

“For Supergirl?” Kara asked, confused.

“No. For _you._ For Kara.”

“What…oh, um, like…how so?” Kara stammered out. Lena hadn’t actually spoken to _her_ since their lunch date and the brief text to “set up” a meeting with Supergirl. Kara assumed Lena wanted space and was giving it to her, but it was slowly killing her, even more so now that, firstly, her family was now running free and secondly, Kara still had a nagging suspicion Lena knew more than she let on, no matter how much Kara didn’t want to believe that.

“She said she could stay with you, for the time being while we monitor her work and apartment. I figured I’d let you know ahead of her asking.”

Kara frowned. “And…you think that’s a good idea?”

Alex cocked an eyebrow. “I mean, you heard J’onn, we’ve cleared her. You know I wouldn’t have agreed if I didn’t think something was up. Besides,” Alex grasped Kara’s shoulders, looking at her intently, “after everything they’ve done to her…I can understand wanting to bring them down.”

Alex wrapped her arms around Kara’s neck then, breathing out a sigh of relief. “I know I was mad at you before and I totally still am, but taking off like that was just–”

“Stupid, I know,” Kara murmured, her arms tightening around Alex’s middle. “I just…I wanted to help her, Alex, I felt like she needed me.”

Alex pulled away then and gave Kara a look of sympathy. “I know. And she probably did. But the world really needs you, too,” she said firmly, and Kara felt the weight of the cape again, guilt hitting her hard in the chest. She simply nodded at her sister in response, fearing a flood of emotions if she opened her mouth.

“Anyway,” Alex continued, “you _can_ let Lena stay with you, if you think that’s a good idea. With that red k missing, we don’t want to risk you leading a search for the Luthors. You’ll be on call like normal in the city until we’ve located them.”

Kara looked bewildered. “I was not expecting you to say any of that.”

Alex chuckled and began to lead them out of the training room. “Yeah, well, I had to convince J’onn. I’d rather you not go on some wild goose chase again and this time get hurt. You did get us quite a bit of good info, even if you were on the other side of the world while the two most dangerous criminals escaped Stryker’s…” That earned her a light punch from Kara, who rolled her eyes as she followed her sister back into the main hub.  

“You can probably get outta here, too, if Kara Danvers is to provide Lena a temporary home,” Alex said distractedly, looking at her phone. “Don’t worry about the escaped inmates, FBI is on that, and seems like rogue alien activity is low priority currently.”

Kara stepped closer to Alex and placed a hand on her arm. “I’m obviously all for this plan, but…and please don’t do anything yet until I give you more, but…I just have a feeling Lena knows more,” Kara said, lowering her voice. “Supergirl may not have been able to get the full story, but I may have more pull.”

Alex nodded. “I agree. Don’t push her, though. She’s a little shaken up. See if it comes up organically, if not, like I said, she’s not a suspect.”

Kara stepped back, heading toward the DEO exit. “Then I guess I have some cleaning to do at home!”

**

 

Lena thanked the DEO agent who walked her to Kara Danvers’s apartment, trying to calm her nerves. She had anticipated some kind of government interrogation once Lillian and Lex broke out, but hadn’t planned on being taken to a secret government agency that also happens to employ Supergirl. Lena managed to convince both the director and Kara’s sister that she had no idea the coordinates she received were a dead end, or that she had been secretly contacting her mother to aid the escape. Though, in her defense, she thought, her only task was to ensure Supergirl was far enough away that she couldn’t get back in time to thwart the escape attempt.

Lena’s encrypted phones contained a destruct feature that enabled her to permanently delete any type of message without a trace. It was effortless on her part to prove that the extent of her illegal activity was meant for the greater good, though there was no self-destruct for the guilt she felt at playing to Alex Danvers’s emotions. They had an understanding, having experienced similar tragedies, and it was all Lena could do to not break in front of Kara’s older sister and reveal everything. She couldn’t; she had come too far to implicate herself before it was time, before she could show Lillian and Lex what it really cost to plot against her. After all, she did learn from the best.

Lena took a deep breath again and was about to knock when Kara swung open the door, a bright smile threatening to take over her entire face.

“Lena! I am _so_ relieved to see you, you have no idea, come _here,_ ” Kara about yelled, and pulled Lena inside, tightly throwing her arms around the brunette. Lena chuckled and returned the hug as she dropped her bags to the ground, shoving away the discomfort at being touched for Kara’s sake.

They relaxed in each other’s arms for a moment before Kara pulled back, reaching up to cup Lena’s face with both hands. Lena swallowed as she looked down at the floor, fighting down the anxiety blooming in her chest.

She found herself jerking back as Kara’s lips brushed hers; her heart speeding up so fast she felt short of breath. Kara stepped back a few feet, realizing her mistake.

“Oh god, oh Lena, I am so sorry, why do I keep doing that?” she muttered, more to herself, Lena figured; the other woman was running her shaking hands through her hair as she continued to give Lena space, backing straight into the kitchen counter.

A glass of water fell off and shattered, the liquid spilling in every direction. Kara shut her eyes in frustration and Lena couldn’t help feeling a little bad for being the root cause of the blonde’s overreaction.

“Damn! Dammit. I. Wow. I _really_ understand if you already want to leave,” Kara stammered, adjusting her glasses as she bent down to pick up the shards. “I, uh, I can call Alex, they can escort you somewhere–”

Lena stooped down to Kara’s level, pulling her chin to meet the brunette’s eyes.

“Kara, it’s _okay._ I just wasn’t expecting it. Can we start over?” Lena pleaded, hoping her voice wasn’t betraying how anxious she felt. Kara nodded, and Lena helped her up, watching as the blonde adjusted and re-adjusted her glasses, looking anywhere but at her companion.

“Hey,” Lena said tentatively, running a hand down Kara’s arm. “I’m…fine. Just need to sit down, maybe have some coffee or something?”

“Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Coffee, I can make that,” Kara said, moving quickly out of Lena’s space and started arbitrarily hunting for mugs to avoid Lena’s gaze as the brunette walked over to the couch in the living room. Kara cursed herself as she haphazardly filled the coffeemaker with water, mindlessly pushing buttons until she heard something happen. _Stupid. Seriously. Idiot. She literally said she wants me to wait. What do I do? Kiss her, like I had any right to._

“Kara?”

The blonde spun around, Lena’s voice interrupting her inner diatribe. “Hey. What’s up?”

“Can I use your bathroom?”

“Second door on the left, down the hallway,” Kara said, her voice even, finally. “Coffee’s almost ready, by the way!”

Lena gave her a small smile as she headed to the bathroom. “Thanks, Kara.”

Kara managed to fill two mugs with what she hoped was relatively drinkable coffee and set one on the table for Lena, positioning herself on the far end of the couch to give Lena as much room as possible. She was overcompensating, she knew, but the thought of triggering the woman she had such intense feelings for made her feel sick. _Better safe than sorry._

Lena came back a few minutes later and the two fell into a more comfortable silence as Kara switched on the TV to something mindless on a cable channel. She spared a glance at the brunette, taking in the comfortable clothes she’d changed into. Lena was so gorgeous, so full of light, that Kara felt herself getting sad wondering if she would ever get the chance to really know Lena, to peel away the steely exterior and understand the soft, kind person Kara knew her to be underneath.

_Don’t push her._

Alex’s words jumped into Kara’s mind, and she moved her gaze back to the TV. The screen went black then, and Kara looked over to see Lena setting down the remote and her coffee, a smile spreading across her face.

“You seem like you want to talk,” she said kindly, and Kara blushed.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to stare.”

“I don’t mind,” Lena said. “If I’d want anyone to stare, it would be you.”

Kara bit her lip and Lena’s heart fluttered a little, which was annoying, considering the opposite reaction she’d had earlier to Kara’s lips. It wasn’t something to get used to, her body reacting in ways that didn’t make any sense. It was almost like learning how to use it again, how to understand the effects of physical stimuli. Her brain naturally wanted a more rational, scientific explanation for the way her body was adapting after the assault, but her emotions usually took over. Moments with Kara never allowed rational thinking; the optimistic blonde had stolen her heart and Lena had no idea how to get it back.

Lena had somehow moved closer to Kara on the couch, and she instinctively wanted to leap up and move away, but she forced herself to stay. Kara stayed put, her eyes roaming over Lena’s form every now and then but kept everything else to herself.

“So,” Lena said, unsure of where to start.

“So.”

“Is there anything…you wanted to ask me?” Lena asked quietly. Kara’s eyes were far too kind, too loving. _Does she have to be such a good person?_

“How are you holding up?” Kara asked honestly. Lena took a deep breath, and Kara hoped she hadn’t taken it too far already.

“It’s, um. I’ve been better,” Lena said, her voice suddenly raspy. _Good god, don’t_ cry.

The tears pricked anyway, defiant.

“I found out that…my…that Lillian was also behind sending that man to my apartment,” she said, wiping at an escaped tear on her nose. “I don’t know why it hurts so much more, to know she did it too. Lex…I don’t know, I loved him, but he wasn’t always around, and then he just went totally mad…” she trailed off at the sound of something breaking; she looked up to see Kara placing her ceramic mug handle on the table.

“Erm. Sorry. Go on,” Kara said meekly. Lena chuckled despite herself.

“I mean, she’s the only mom I’ve known, right? And moms don’t do the shit that she did, though. But at least I had one, you know?” Lena’s words were coming out in a rush, the tears flowing more freely.

“But I keep thinking to myself, did I actually deserve what she did? I always did my homework and got great grades except once, and you know, some kids would get no TV for a week, or something, but…but she came upstairs and…god, it was just so wrong,” Lena took a shuddering breath at the memory, and Kara reached for her hand; Lena allowed it. Something had to ground her.

“I mean moms aren’t…they just don’t touch you like that, or kiss you like that, and it disgusts me, now, but then I didn’t do anything, it wasn’t like she beat me or even left any marks. And it wasn’t all the time. Just sometimes. So why does it feel so much worse that she sent someone to rape me when she was doing it too, all this time? Why don’t I hate her, Kara?”

Lena wrapped her arms around Kara’s neck then, and Kara pulled her close, rubbing her back in soothing circles. Tears slipped out under the Kryptonian’s eyes as she felt Lena shake against her, heart aching for the woman.

Lena noticed Kara had begun to cry as well, and she pulled back, hands reaching into the blonde’s hair. Tugging Kara’s head up slightly, Lena moved in, fast, pressing her lips hard onto Kara’s. She kissed her, again and again, grabbing at the neck of Kara’s shirt.

Kara tried not to kiss back; she really did. But Lena was insistent, and her tongue finally pushed through into Kara’s mouth, and Kara, for once, felt powerless. Having Lena like this was something she deeply desired, and resented herself for after Lena had been attacked.

But the timing of it was all wrong. There wasn’t any love in Lena’s kisses, just pain.

Kara couldn’t let this time be their first real moment of intimacy. It simply wasn’t right.

“Lena…Lena, you have to stop, please,” Kara said, pushing the brunette back slightly. Lena sat back, her hands still gripping Kara’s shirt, eyes bloodshot and angry.

“What, now you don’t want this?” Lena snapped, pulling on Kara’s neckline. “Can’t handle the rape victim stories? Not happy enough for you?” Lena knew she was out of control in that moment, but she didn’t care. She needed to feel something. Anything.

“Lena, it’s not about that, you’re not–”

“Not _what?_ Not ready? Not over the damages? Hate to break it to you, Kara, but what you see is what you get,” Lena spat bitterly, having moved off Kara’s lap but still fiercely staring into blue eyes. “This is it. This is me, now. You either want me or you don’t.”

“Lena, of course I…I want you, but you’re not in a good place right now–”

“How the fuck would _you_ know, Kara?” Lena was standing, raising her voice in Kara’s direction. “How do you know what it feels like, to hate being touched, but wanting to be, _needing_ to be? To being afraid every time I see someone who looks like…like _him,_ or when _she_ talks to me like she used to? You don’t know anything!” She was screaming then, her bad memories taking over, and it wasn’t going to end.

“I could try to understand, we can talk it through, I can really tell you’re in pain right now,” Kara cried frantically, saying anything to get Lena to calm down. “Let’s…let’s just sit, okay? And stop yelling?”

Lena let out a cruel laugh. “God, I’m _so sorry_ this is hard for you to hear. What do you even know about pain, Kara Danvers?”

Kara stiffened then. She knew Lena didn’t mean it, but the words struck her, hard. “What did you say?”

Lena stepped closer, invading Kara’s personal space, her breath tickling the end of Kara’s nose. “I _said,_ what do you know about pain?” she hissed, tone unkind. “Blonde, hot, fucking cheerleader type? When has anything bad happened to _you?_ ”

Kara felt the heat behind her eyes, in her chest. She swallowed hard, willing it to die. “Stop it, Lena. I mean it.”

“Is that a threat? Are you threatening me? After everything I’ve told you, Kara, after all of that _shit_ , now you want me to stop talking?”

They were both standing, facing the other. Lena’s arms were crossed over her chest, which was heaving; Kara tried to keep her distance, hands balled into fists.

Lena crossed over then, and Kara tried to step back, but there was hardly anywhere to go, and the rage was rising, faster with each of Lena’s words.

“…don’t even want to know me, you just want to fuck me, that’s why you keep putting your hands on me,” Lena was saying, her words dripping with hatred. “Tell me, Kara, why do you just keep taking? What did you do to deserve that?” Lena shoved Kara, once, twice.

“When has anyone fucking hurt you like they hurt me?”

It was like a bright star exploded in the apartment.

Kara roared after the second shove, her eyes going from blue to yellow to a flashing combination of the two, and suddenly Lena was flat on her back, six feet from where Kara stood, watching in horror as Supergirl’s heat vision set the kitchen ablaze, scorching everything from the ceiling to the floor.

Fire alarms shrieked throughout the building and sprinklers burst open, dousing the ruined kitchen. Lena sat up slowly as cool water trickled down her face, mouth agape and eyes wide as she took in the person she no longer simply knew as Kara Danvers. The blonde wasn’t looking at her. As her eyes returned to their normal hue, Lena watched as they rolled back in her head, Supergirl falling into unconsciousness before she hit the floor.


	16. it stands for hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TLC from Alex Danvers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Figured everyone deserved a little cheesy goodness after all the GLOOM I threw at you. 
> 
> scream w/ me about Ace Reporter @ [mcdanvers](http://mcdanvers.tumblr.com/)

Kara Danvers bolted awake to the sound of something smashing and not-so hushed cursing. Her bedroom was dark, and the last time she’d been awake it was late morning, so everything felt disorienting.

She was out of her bed and in the kitchen in less than a second, eyes adjusting to her disaster of an apartment.

“Ah, so you don’t need a sun bed.”

Kara blinked twice before bending down and finding Alex a few feet away, crouched on the floor and picking up pieces of what looked like Kara’s favorite coffee mug.

“Sorry,” Alex said sheepishly as she stood, brushing off one hand on her jeans and tossing the chunks of ceramic into the trash. “Blue Mug was another casualty.”

“Blue Mug looks like the least of my problems,” Kara muttered to herself as she looked around miserably. Half of the countertop was melted away, and everything that was once on top of it lay shattered and strewn all over the equally scorched hardwood floor. Streaks of black lined the far wall all the way to the ceiling, stretching the ten feet into the living room and stopping just above the couch.

Running her hands through her knotted and sleep-mussed hair, Kara met Alex’s sympathetic gaze with a glassy stare. Her mind was on everything but her destroyed belongings (and rented space), yet she hardly felt anything. The burst of rage had knocked her out, literally; it was like being in limbo.

Then she remembered Lena.

Hands dropping to her sides, Kara focused on Alex this time. “Lena knows.”

Alex looked at her sternly. “I know. She’s the one who told me to come here.”

Kara’s eyebrows shot up. “Wait. Really?”

“Yes, really,” Alex said, grabbing a rag and halfheartedly swiping at a spot on the remaining countertop. “She said there’d been an incident and she wasn’t equipped to handle it.”

Kara scoffed. “Yeah, no shit,” she said, mostly to herself, but Alex caught it and glared at her, rag in midair.

“You nearly burned your apartment down, Kara,” she said, her voice raised. “Not to mention you put Lena in _danger_ , _and_ revealed yourself to her. That was _so_ reckless–”

“Spare me, Alex!” Kara shouted back, irritated. “I know what I did. But I’m not sorry about it.”

It was Alex’s turn to be surprised. “What?”

Kara crossed her arms. “You have no _idea,_ ” her voice turned venomous, “what Lena said to me.”

“Kara, one fight with a rogue alien doesn’t make you temporarily black out from using your powers,” Alex hissed back. “I thought you and Lena were fine? What could she have possibly said to make you so upset?”

Kara worked her jaw, seething as she struggled not to recall Lena’s vitriol. Alex didn’t understand, Kara knew; she’d _never_ understood. Not a single person, on this planet or any other, could begin to fathom the trauma of watching the only home they ever knew obliterate itself. That alone was what fed Kara’s rage, and she hated having to explain herself.

Shaking her head, the Kryptonian turned on one heel and strode to the giant window, flinging it open, readying herself to take off somewhere, anywhere. But she hesitated, feeling her sister’s eyes on her back. Her sympathy was palpable despite her frustration, and Kara didn’t want to leave yet another relationship on rocky terms, even if she and Alex always made up immediately.

She heard Alex walk up behind her as she stood, shoulders drooping as she finally let the emotions of the past nearly 30 hours hit her. The exhaustion felt like holding up a steel beam for too long – eventually Kara had to just let it go. She let Alex guide her back inside, curling up on the couch cushions as Alex shut the window and closed the blinds halfway.

Alex stayed silent as she let Kara rest her head on a pillow in her lap, the blonde’s soft sobs the only sound filling the apartment. Eventually, Kara sat up, rubbing at her eyes and gathering the courage to relay what happened to her sister.

“She…she was telling me such awful things about her mom, Alex,” Kara said in a hushed tone, swallowing the lump in her throat. “And earlier I had tried to kiss her, but I didn’t, I mean, I forgot that she doesn’t want to be touched, really, and then it was okay but then she kissed _me_ …” Kara trailed off, closing her eyes at how good it felt to kiss Lena, and yet so wrong at the same time.

“Go on,” Alex urged kindly.

Kara swallowed again. “She kissed me, and I told her to stop, because she was just really distraught, and then she started yelling at me about how I don’t know what pain is.” She took a shuddered breath, still reeling from the cruel words.

“She really said that?” Alex asked, her tone even but her eyes had narrowed. Kara nodded.

“Jesus Christ,” Alex said quietly. “Kara, I’m sorry–”

“That wasn’t all,” Kara interrupted, balling her shirt sleeve into her hand and squeezing. “She practically accused me of trying to take advantage of her, that I just ‘keep taking.’” Kara looked over at Alex, eyes flooded with tears.

“How could she say those things? I know she didn’t _know_ , that I’m Supergirl, that I had to watch Krypton die, but it hurt to hear it, Alex. Of course I know pain. Maybe I don’t know _her_ pain. But I would never in my life do anything to hurt her. Never like that. Rao, how could she think…?” She began to cry again, and leaned into Alex’s arms as her older sister held her, doing her best to protect Kara’s heart.

“Lena doesn’t love me, Alex,” Kara whispered into Alex’s shirt. “I don’t even…she doesn’t care about me.” Alex clutched her tighter. Kissing her sister’s hair, she rubbed Kara’s shoulders as they both fell silent again, Alex’s mind searching for the best way to ease a little of the pain.

“Kara, remember Buzz?”

Kara shifted a little to look up at Alex. “What?”

“Your parakeet. For your sixteenth birthday?”

“Oh. Right,” Kara said, wiping at her eyes. “Um, what about him?”

Alex smiled a little, nudging Kara so they could face each other. “Remember how you had him for a month and then you wanted to see if you could fly _with_ him, but then he got lost?”

Kara gave her a glare. “How is this story about losing my bird helping?”

Chuckling, Alex scooted back on the couch, leaning on one elbow. “It has a point!”

Rolling her eyes, Kara motioned for Alex to continue.

“You didn’t give up hope for the rest of that _year,_ ” Alex said fondly. “You made signs, called all the animal shelters, even made an entire presentation about why you should be allowed to fly around at night to look. We had to compromise and search by car, remember, and everyone thought you were looking for a dog?”

“And they looked at us like we were insane for saying it was a lost parakeet,” Kara finished, giggling despite herself. Her face fell a little at the memory. “I mean, we never did find him.”

“No,” Alex said, “but that was when I knew you wouldn’t give up on _anything_ , if you were so dedicated to finding a domesticated bird. You believed he would come back to you.

“Lena’s words were really hurtful, and I’m on your side. Well,” Alex pondered, “the whole roasting your kitchen thing is all on you, so good luck–”

“Gee, thanks, Al–”

“What I’m trying to say is, you and Lena are both hurting right now, and maybe it feels like you lost her. But I know you.” Alex looked at Kara pointedly. “You’ve dealt with a lot of loss, most of which I can’t begin to really understand. But you have not _once_ lost hope. Not for Buzz. Not for Astra, even if she did bad things. And I don’t think you will for Lena. But most importantly,” Alex paused, “you won’t give up on yourself.”

Alex reached over and wiped away a tear slipping down Kara’s nose, and the blonde wrapped her up in a hug.

“Thank you, Alex,” she whispered, squeezing again before pulling back. Alex regarded her with kind eyes and Kara felt the tears bubble up again.

“I’m still really scared, you know,” Kara said. “I’m scared for Lena, because her family escaped, I’m scared that she’ll…never be better, or that I’ll resent her for the things she said.

“What if I can’t forgive her, Alex?”

Alex tilted her head, giving her sister a sad smile. “No one said you have to.”

“But you just said I’d have all this hope–”

“I know. But pain feels differently, after a long time. It doesn’t really go away. But you can hope that it won’t eat at you like it does now, and hope the same for Lena, even if this all doesn’t work out,” Alex explained thoughtfully. “Just kinda like with your bird. You couldn’t find him, but you still hoped he was out there, that he’d be okay. And maybe that’s what hope is, right?”

Kara frowned. “It’s what?”

“It’s believing in the best ending, even during the worst times.”

A smirk slowly formed on Kara’s face. Her thoughts were just too good not to use.

“So what you’re saying,” Kara said slowly, “is that…Lena...is my parakeet?”

Alex groaned, picking up a throw pillow and aiming it at Kara’s head.

“I was _trying_ to be sweet and supportive!”

“Then don’t use a bird analogy next time!”

 

By midnight that night, Kara had finally gotten to sleep, Alex having successfully lifted her spirits. She slept covered with her cape, and dreamt of being saved from the Phantom Zone, her dark-haired rescuer wearing the House of El sigil glowing bright against a red sun.


	17. setting fire to our insides for fun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lena is throwing herself into revenge, into women, into whiskey--but she can't stop thinking about Kara.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M BACK. 
> 
> Thou shalt never leave a fanfic unfinished - so watch for more updates people!
> 
> Yell at me in the comments or at my tumblr: [mcdanvers](http://mcdanvers.tumblr.com/)

**_Seventeen days ago_ **

_The popping sound of flames brought Lena back to reality._

_The air was smoke-heavy and smelled of burnt plastic and metal, and the smoke alarm’s angry wailing echoed throughout the carpet-less space. Lena blinked once, twice, staring up at the scorched ceiling until the shock of Kara’s – no, Supergirl’s – rage came flooding back._

_Gathering herself to her feet, Lena wasted no time in rushing into the kitchen, where the garbage can was, miraculously, the only thing caught on fire. Lena gasped and coughed as she began her search for a fire extinguisher, trying and failing to focus on only that and not the burning blue lasers scorching her memory._

_Tears blurred her vision; Lena told herself her eyes were watering from the acrid, smoky air that engulfed the apartment. After tearing apart the kitchen and unearthing the fire extinguisher from its extremely inconvenient spot above the refrigerator, Lena sprayed the mostly-melted plastic bin until foam covered a good third of the hardwood floor. Still gasping, Lena jogged across the room to open the giant bay window, avoiding looking at the unconscious Kryptonian lying flat on her back. Taking in deep gulps of cool air, she felt her brain start to clear while she watched the smoke swirl its way out, black mist seeping into the National City skyline._

 

**_Present_ **

Seventeen days.

It was the length of time passed since two notorious terrorists escaped an inescapable prison. It was the number of days it took for the media to begin moving on from vilifying Lena, coming up with absurd theories as to how she was involved in their breakout.

It was the longest alcohol-and-sex-fueled bender Lena had ever done.

Granted, she wasn’t drunk _every_ day – but alcohol was now routine. Lena ignored Jess’s hesitant question one Tuesday evening about the number of empty whiskey bottles now lining Lena’s office minibar, choosing instead to defiantly take another sip and send her assistant home.

Empty sex wasn’t enjoyable, and it was time-consuming, but Lena had stopped feeling things the night she left Kara’s destroyed apartment. Four or five times Lena found herself at VIP lounges, almost blacked out but not enough to forget entirely. None of the women became more than a short goodbye in the middle of the night; Lena opting to sleep and wake up alone.

 

_As she looked out onto the nearby street, she felt her stomach drop when a fire truck roared past, lights and sirens blaring._

_“Fuck,” she hissed, and dug her phone out of her pocket, scrolling for the name she needed while she tried to get a better look outside._

_“C’mon, fuck, pick up, damn it–”_

_“Lena?”_

_The brunette let out a harsh breath of air when she heard the eldest Danvers’ voice. “Alex,” she rushed out, her voice cracking, “You need – it’s Kara, she did…just come to her place, alright?”_

_Lena staggered back against the window-adjacent wall, wiping her forehead with the hand that still held the empty canister. The smoke had made her more oxygen-deprived than she thought, and speaking made breathing worse._

_“I got an alert from the trackers we have in her apartment. I’m outside right now,” Alex said frantically. “Is everything okay? Where’s Kara now?” The worry was palpable in her voice, and Lena felt a twinge of guilt as she finally glanced down at the blonde, still unmoving._

_“Just…come up here, Alex,” Lena said in a near-whisper. “And stall the fire department – Kara can’t reveal herself twice in one day.”_

_Without waiting for Alex’s inevitably confused reply, Lena hung up and promptly dropped the canister, letting it clatter loudly to the floor. Wincing at the sound, Lena instinctively looked back at Kara, half-hoping she would wake and half-hoping she would remain still so Lena could make her escape._

_The blonde didn’t move, and Lena felt her heart sink a little before bending down. She reached out a shaking hand, lightly placing it against Kara’s hot cheek. The super looked so peaceful, Lena thought: the crinkle that was almost always present on her forehead was gone; blue eyes, so full of worry when she would look at Lena, closed softly, as though in a deep sleep._

_She looked exactly the same, but she no longer was, not anymore. Not to Lena._

 

Lillian and Lex contacted Lena during one of her binge nights; she was in the middle of mediocre sex with a bartender from a place across from L-Corp ( _Julie? Jessie?)_ when the encrypted phone went off from inside her bedside drawer. The redhead was grasping at Lena’s breasts clumsily while the CEO read the message, her eyes struggling to focus.

What she did manage to read, however, sobered her up real fast.

“Fuck. Fuck!” Lena leapt off the bed, throwing on her robe and grasping Julie or Jessie’s wrist and dragging her to the door, not offering anything more than an insincere promise to call.

Not ten minutes later, her mother and brother stood in her living room, altogether far too calm for the most wanted fugitives in the country.

Lillian eyed Lena with an air of amusement and a hint of resentment, taking in her daughter’s less-than-clothed appearance.

“Having a good time tonight, darling?” she said, moving closer to Lena and brushing dark hair aside to examine her neck. Lena swatted her away, earning a knowing smirk from her mother.

“It doesn’t matter,” she muttered, face burning. Lillian’s gaze sent a shiver of repulsion down Lena’s spine; Lex raised an eyebrow at the exchange but said nothing.

“Why are you here?” Lena asked, trying to keep her words from slurring. Lex chuckled.

“Well, we can’t exactly go to Luthor- I mean, _L-Corp,”_ he sneered, and Lena averted her gaze, “and get the supplies we need. We did pull off quite the escape from that hellhole.”

“What we _need,_ Alexander, is unrestricted, unmonitored access to the warehouses by the docks,” Lillian clarified. “For the shipments coming from our Russian contacts.”

Lena swallowed, attempting to process through her drunken haze. She might be hammered, but she didn’t solely own the National City docks; keeping anyone from spotting the fugitive Luthors could be next to impossible. She said as much.

Lex sighed. “Lena, we need two nights, tops, then we’ll be on our way to the next location. Just make sure cameras and shit are off. We’ll take care of…other obstacles.” He flashed her his famous smirk, the one he reserved just for her whenever he sneaked her out of the house or bent rules to skip out on their parents’ parties. Now, the smirk was cold, calculating; Lex was no longer the brother she loved.

Reluctantly, Lena agreed to their terms, her hangover already starting to set in. A part of her feared Lillian and Lex, especially after what they’d done to her, but another part harbored resentment, and that fueled her ambitions.

It was dangerously close to dawn when the elder Luthors finally made their way out of the loft, but not before Lillian drew Lena in close to her, a threat lingering on her lips.

“Mind who you sleep with, Lena,” she hissed. “None of them know you like I do.”

Lillian placed a kiss under Lena’s ear, causing her hair to stand on end. _It never ends._

Her mother followed Lex out the apartment door, her final words haunting the empty space.

“Do tell Supergirl we send our regards.”

 

_The brunette swallowed the lump that had suddenly grown in her throat, and, against better judgment, quickly kissed the unconscious girl’s forehead before standing up again._

_Lena bit her now-trembling bottom lip as she pulled a blanket off the couch and covered the newly-revealed superhero. In the back of her mind, Lena knew Kara didn’t need to be kept warm from the chill coming in from the open window, but it felt wrong to just leave her._

_It was Lena’s way of saying goodbye._

_Shaking her head, she crossed the room again, having wasted enough time. Lena didn’t feel like having Part 3 of an Alex Danvers Confrontation, nor did she want to be present if – when – Kara woke up._

_Unable to keep from looking, Lena cast another wary, yet concerned glance back at the destroyed kitchen and, reluctantly, at the superhero’s limp form. Shaking off what was about to be another round of crying, Lena raced out of the apartment, ducking down the side stairs to avoid the firemen and Alex._

_Once outside, Lena turned a corner into an alley and made it to the next street over, relieved she was out but that Kara would be taken care of. It was at least a thirty-minute walk to her loft, but her lungs were crying out for fresh air and her heart needed a break from the emotions of the past hours, days, months._

_The image of her – ex-girlfriend? Ex-lover? – of Kara’s eyes turning to a fiery blue, heat vision leaving a trail of black scorch marks just inches from Lena wouldn’t disappear from the brunette’s mind. Knowing Kara was Supergirl didn’t compare to knowing Lena was very nearly turned to ash, had Kara been less in control. The thought of someone Lena was growing closer to, perhaps even to love, putting her in harm’s way just like her actual family broke her heart. And Lena knew it was all her fault._

 

Seventeen days and Lena hadn’t heard from or seen Kara, or Supergirl, for that matter. In that short amount of time, Lena continued to blame herself for what happened, thanks to the grim situation from months prior that had made her another victim, another statistic. Somehow, it felt worse to have pushed Kara to a breaking point. Lena knew she’d projected her insecurities, her darkest thoughts, onto Kara that night, and the desired effect of passing her guilt onto someone backfired, literally.

She dreamed of hazy blue beams erupting from Supergirl’s eyes, setting everything ablaze until they reached her, which was when she would wake up in a cold sweat. On the seventeenth night, going on the eighteenth day without any closure from that terrible day, Lena awoke from the same dream and decided sleeping wasn’t for her that night.

Four whiskeys and two showers later (Lena couldn’t feel clean enough, hadn’t for a long time), she curled herself onto an outdoor wicker chair, trying not to feel sick at her actions from the past two and a half weeks. Even with aged whiskey running through her veins, as it often did these days, her thoughts strayed to Kara, Kara, Kara…and then without warning, would switch to Supergirl’s fiery blue eyes, face twisted in rage.

Being in love with a beautiful, kind-hearted reporter had once been a possibility; but being in love with an easily-enraged, powerful being, hated by Lena’s own family?

Lena couldn’t dream of it.

Fighting sleep on the wicker chair, Lena drifted into the in-between, not noticing the familiar fluttering sound of a cape not far above the balcony. She twitched, getting goosebumps from the sudden gust of air, and suddenly heard Kara’s voice.

“ _Lena.”_


	18. while you watch my heart bleed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Missing each other has been pain, so much pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello hello!! yes I'm still updating, yes I'm still on this ship, yes everything looks bleak in the supergirl realm (real life and tv life). BUT that is why fanfiction exists and why fans exist. 
> 
> COMMENT and give me love or complaints or whatever, I welcome it all

Two-and-a-half weeks of apartment hunting, on top of Supergirl and reporter duties, put Kara in the mood for mindless flight.

Kara hadn’t _wanted_ to leave her perfect, tiny apartment, but the damage was astronomically expensive and the DEO had to go to a lot of trouble to smooth the situation over with the building owner. She was then more or less evicted by her own employers.

“You know, there is some good coming out of this,” Alex had said thoughtfully, while Kara piled her belongings into the back of a U-Haul.

“And what’s that, Alex?” Kara asked wearily.

“You didn’t actually blast any furniture worth saving!”

Alex got a pillow to the face for that, knocking her to the ground. Kara didn’t help her up.

The apartment hunting was inconvenient, but Catco was slow due to mid-summer, when everyone was on vacation. It was also the perfect time for flying, when nights were clear with a nice breeze aiding her flight patterns. Kara had dealt with so many emotions and heavy events recently; it all left her exhausted from the mental anguish alone.

 

She took to the skies from the new apartment (which did _not_ have a large bay window and thus took some wriggling to fit through), and, for once, took in the calmness over the city. This was her favorite time of night – too late for criminal activity, too early for white-collar office workers to be awake, cars were scarce –

A wave of sadness suddenly cut through Kara’s chest, jolting her out of her reverie. Closing her eyes, she tried to calm herself and pinpoint the noise. Her superhearing picked up a heartbeat, a very familiar one, the miserable feeling growing stronger.

Scanning the neighborhoods below, Kara’s heart sank when she realized why she recognized the heartbeat pattern: she was just blocks away from 6th street – but more specifically, Lena Luthor’s penthouse.

She held a hand to her chest as she made her descent to the very top of building number three, to the beautiful yet lonely patio that extended from an even lonelier living space. Having not spoken to or heard from Lena in close to three weeks, Kara hoped to pass by and check in unnoticed. Of course, the universe had other plans.

Kara was sure she would have to physically keep her heart from escaping her chest cavity when she saw the brunette curled up uncomfortably in a patio chair, the intense sadness rolling off and cruelly hitting Kara in waves. Without paying attention, the superhero’s feet moved of their own accord, until she was standing directly over Lena, arms hanging at her sides.

She wanted nothing more than to scoop up the CEO and take her inside, to hold her close for the rest of the night until the sadness disappeared. But Kara no longer knew where they stood with each other, not after that night seventeen days ago.

Feeling she shouldn’t leave Lena outside, Kara stooped down onto her haunches and leaned in close, but far enough so the brunette didn’t wake up afraid.

“Lena.”

Her breathing stayed even, and Kara bit her lip, inching forward some more before taking a deep breath.

“Lena,” she said, louder this time, “Lena, wake up, it’s me, it’s Kara.”

Green eyes flickered open then, taking a moment to focus on Supergirl leaning forward a few feet from the chair, red cape swishing behind her on the concrete floor. The sleepiness in Lena’s eyes quickly turned to panic and Kara sat back, placing her hands on her knees in a show of peace.

“I know you probably weren’t expecting to see me, like, at all,” Kara began, lightly, slightly struggling to maintain Lena’s hard, stoic gaze. “But I was…around, and I – I’ve had you on my mind. Well,” she huffed, rolling her eyes at herself, “we. Us. Um. Yeah. We’ve been on my mind.”

Offering a small smile, attempting to break the tension, Kara looked down then, twisting her fingers on top of her knees.

“You don’t have to say anything. I’m mostly glad to just…see you, after, um, everything, and I’m obviously, uh, going to be there for you if you need me, not that you will or even want to need me, the option is just there–”

“Kara.”

Lena’s tired voice cut off Kara’s bumbling speech, and the blonde looked up again with a sheepish smile, glad for the interruption.

“Sorry,” she mumbled, biting her lip again.

“It’s okay,” Lena said, too quickly, and they both winced. Nothing was okay, and neither of them was sure it would ever be again.

Lena cleared her throat, finally sitting up in her seat and stretching back her shoulders. Kara looked away; after everything, she still found Lena so unfairly beautiful, and it didn’t feel right to stare.

“Why are you really here?” Lena said finally, the words coming out icier than intended. Kara tried not to react.

“I mean, you surely aren’t really here to discuss…us.”

The last word left Lena’s mouth reluctantly, bitterly, almost. It had been too painful to think of them as a “them,” and she had been trying so hard to forget it ever could have been a reality.

 _Yet once again, Kara has no concept of letting things go_ , Lena thought, forcing herself to ignore Kara’s omnipresent eagerness.

Proving Lena’s point, Kara simply smiled, easing back to rest on her palms. Her gaze was a little too fond and too open, if a little weary.

“Nothing gets past you, does it?” Kara chuckled, her blue eyes softer than Lena felt she deserved. “Truthfully? I…can sense you. That sounds weird,” she frowned, ignoring Lena’s eyebrow lift at the confession.

“I’m very attune to a few people I’m particularly close to,” Kara explained. “It’s not something I can turn on and off. So tonight, I was trying to relax, clear my head, when I, ah, felt a bit sad, suddenly. Then I realized I was right near your penthouse.”

Lena hugged herself around her middle then and looked away. She hadn’t meant to fall asleep outside (hadn’t meant to fall asleep at all, considering she rarely slept much these days) and the thought of Kara simply – literally – dropping in on her felt like ice in her stomach. The cold, prickly feeling was coming back, the panic rising in her throat as she tried to ward off the intrusive memories.

Noticing Lena’s discomfort at the explanation, Kara scrambled to make it right again, once again feeling stupid for crossing the line.

“I don’t mean to invade your space,” Kara said quickly. “You just – I could sense how sad you were, and I only meant to fly by. Then you were out here. I’m really sorry.”

Lena turned back to face Kara again to see the blonde hang her head, shoulders drooped in defeat. It hurt, to see Kara clearly aching to win Lena’s affections back. But that tiny nag, the reminder of how afraid she was at Kara revealing herself, gave Lena pause.

“You’ve been on my mind, too,” she found herself saying slowly, “but not necessarily…in a good way.” She bit her lip when she saw Kara’s face drop in disappointment.

She continued. “I needed time. I had my suspicions, about you, about Supergirl, but I pushed them away because I needed you to be separate. I’m not really sure I knew why until that night.”

Lena’s voice got harder as she forced herself to maintain her best Luthor steel stare. “That night – I’ve been blaming myself, for pushing you, for projecting my…trauma, onto you–”

“Oh Lena, you had nothing–” Kara interrupted, leaning forward again to touch Lena’s knee. Lena instinctively stood up and moved back, causing Kara to freeze in place.

“Please,” Lena said, anger growing in her belly, “let me finish. And…don’t…don’t come any closer. Please,” she whispered, and Kara nodded, settling back into her pose, cheeks burning in shame.

Lena exhaled, trying to quell her anger. “I shouldn’t have said what I did. And I – I am sorry, Kara. But what I can’t get past is how I was inches from being… _lasered_ to death by the one person I never thought would hurt me.” Her hands had started to shake, her resentment toward Kara bubbling to the surface by the second.

Kara felt her own eyes prick with tears as she watched Lena hold herself tightly, as though to shield her body _from_ Kara, and once again felt immense guilt at making Lena recount another trauma.

“I so want to take it all back, Lena,” Kara said, voice breaking. “All of it. What I did to you, what your family did to you – I wish I could make the pain go away.”

She broke down in tears then, and Lena was taken aback by the super’s sincerity. To watch an almost-demigod break down for _her_ , of all people, was just…wrong. She didn’t need saving.

The worst had already happened, and of course, she had been alone.

“But that’s just it, _Supergirl,_ ” Lena spat, the venom in her voice surprising them both despite her tears. “You can’t. Nobody can. The Lena Luthor you used to know is gone.”

Lena ran a hand unceremoniously over her face, not caring about the tears and phlegm she wiped off with her sleeve. Kara felt herself staring again, concern mapping her features, as she stood slowly.

Taking one step tentatively forward, Kara raised both hands as Lena set her jaw at Kara’s movements.  
“I promise I won’t get too close,” Kara said, and walked a little faster, until she stood about three arms’ length from Lena. She needed Lena to hear what she had to say, and closing the distance was the first step to understanding the other.

Kara took a deep breath. “I’ll spare you the speech on losing my planet,” she said, amusement in her voice, “but I have to tell you how I feel. If you’ll let me.”

Lena swallowed, but gave a short nod, and Kara felt herself relax a bit.

“I hadn’t meant to put you in harm’s way that night, Lena. I have a lot of…rage issues, that haven’t been resolved in a very long time. You’re the first person I’ve been this close to since, well, Alex, in a different way obviously,” she stuttered, and Lena hid back a little smile at the blonde’s awkwardness. It seemed that didn’t go away even in the Supergirl persona.

“When you told…both of me, I guess, what happened to you…I haven’t felt that sad since I got to earth, Lena, god. It killed me. And I know, it’s not about how I feel about it. I just…” Kara trailed off, eyes misting over.

“I never wanted to hurt you, too. You have to understand, the things you said – I’ve lost so much, too, and to hear you say those things…well, I forgot that maybe pain is different for everyone. Maybe the anger I feel needs to be let out more, in a not so, um, destructive way.”

Lena let out a dry laugh, one without mirth.

“Did you figure that out before or after you nearly burned the place to the ground?” She didn’t mean to be so cold. But it didn’t feel like anyone understood, and Kara was an easy target.

The super, however, didn’t want any of that.

“Don’t do this, please,” Kara begged, and Lena felt her face soften. “Don’t be like this. I don’t want to lose you, Lena. I know you don’t want to lose me.”

Lena shut her eyes tight at Kara’s last words. “You don’t know what I want,” she said quietly.

Looking down at Lena’s long lashes, Kara took a few steps forward again. Reaching down, she tilted Lena’s chin to meet her eyes, brushing dark hair away from Lena’s face. Her hands instinctively moved to cup Lena’s cheeks; Kara knew, in the back of her mind, that she shouldn’t, that she was trying too hard to win Lena back. Yet she felt helpless anytime she was in Lena’s presence, unable to do anything but want her.

The brunette lifted her hands to encircle Kara’s wrists, as though to pull them away; but felt herself placing them on the blonde’s hips, indirectly encouraging the super to come closer. Their foreheads touched, then, though neither could make eye contact, not with so much hanging between them. After several minutes, when Kara couldn’t take it anymore, when her emotions were pouring out of her skin, she let herself burst.

“I love you.”

The words slipped out of Kara’s mouth, her breath tickling the top of Lena’s head. Her heart felt like it had stopped, and she moved back, holding her breath as she finally opened her eyes to look at Lena.

She felt her hands slapped away before she had even registered that Lena had abruptly stood up, leaving Kara to stare into space.

A cold, cruel laugh worked its way out before Lena could stop it, and her heart broke at Kara’s crushed expression.

But it was too late to take it back. _Sever it now, Lena._

“Spare me, Kara,” she hissed, glaring at the blonde. “I’m supposed to believe you want me, you _love_ me, after everything?”

Kara shook her head, tears streaming down her cheeks.

“C’mon, Lena,” she pleaded, her voice quiet. “You know I did. How could I not?”

She wiped at her face with her sleeve, staring at the ground to avoid looking at Lena.

“How could I not?” she repeated, this time in a whisper Lena nearly missed. She made eye contact with Lena again, taking in the red-rimmed eyes, the tear-streaked pale cheeks that still looked so striking in the glow of the city lights beneath them.

“Don’t,” Lena said, her voice breaking. She meant to push Kara away, not let her feelings slip out, not after _everything._ She turned her back to the superhero, leaning on the balcony railing as she tried to get her thoughts together.

She heard Kara walk toward her before she felt strong hands run down her upper arms, the warmth forcing her to blink away tears at the contact.

Kara ran her hands down Lena’s arms again, and paused briefly before slipping them to Lena’s abdomen, pulling in the brunette so close she could feel Kara shake with sobs. Without thinking, Lena relaxed into Kara’s hold, her hands moving to cover Kara’s too.

Tears soaked Lena’s neck as the blonde pressed kiss after kiss onto her shoulder, her jaw, her ear, whispering “I love you” each time.

Lena bit her lip, cursing herself, and turned around to loop her arms around Kara’s neck. She pressed her forehead to Kara’s again, and let out a soft sigh as the blonde held her back, tears slipping down her nose.

“Please, Lena,” Kara whispered, and Lena winced at the pain in her voice. “Please. Tell me you don’t love me back, and I’ll go. I just…I need to know. Please.”

Kara’s eyes were closed, and Lena was grateful – she knew those baby blues made her weak, and now was not the time for weakness. Luthors didn’t love, after all; or, at the very least, the true Luthors never loved her, so she never learned how to give or receive it.

For not the first time in her life, Lena felt selfish: after everything she’d gone through with Kara, for Kara, _because_ of Kara…she still couldn’t bring herself to admit the truth.

Breaking Kara’s heart was easier than giving hers up.

Neither of them moved for another few moments. Lena didn’t want to break the comforting silence between them, or move away from Kara’s warmth, despite it all. But Kara could sense that Lena’s heart wouldn’t be bleeding with hers tonight, not in the same way.

Pulling away reluctantly, Kara smiled at the woman she loved, her usual sunshine burned out and replaced with sadness.

“I should go,” she said quietly, and stepped back to take off.

“Wait!” Lena said suddenly, and Kara froze. “Wait.”

Kara stood in place and lingered as Lena began to pace a little, biting on her nails.

“I’m sorry,” Lena finally said, with a shake of her head. “That was…it caught me off guard.”

She paused.

“I can’t say it back to you,” she murmured, and Kara nodded to make it seem like she understood. It was disappointing, Kara knew, heartbreaking, even; but there was still time. There would always be time.

“Will we be okay?”

Smiling her watery smile again, Kara shrugged in a very un-Supergirl-like way.

“If we want to be.”

Lena nodded, but kept her distance as she regarded the superhero. Kara’s shoulders drooped and her arms hung loosely at her sides, but her smile held hope, and that was all Lena could ask for.

She cleared her throat. “So…I’ll see you around, then?”

Kara moved back again, preparing to take off. “I’m always around, Lena.”

And with a whoosh, Lena watched Kara shoot above the city skyline until she could no longer make out what was a star or what was Supergirl, and made her way back inside her penthouse.

 

Once Lena was inside, a tiny camera located just above the sliding glass door to the penthouse shut off with a quiet click, the sound out of range of Kryptonian super-hearing. Five miles away in a locked warehouse, standing over bloodstains and bodies from a run-in with NCPD, Lillian Luthor switched off the feed on a tablet and turned to Lex. Her right cheek sported a darkening bruise, and her posture was sagging, but her eyes were like stone, glistening in the light with hot, angry tears.

 _Lena betrayed the Luthor name, and our plan has failed._ Lillian nodded sharply to Lex, and her son began to pack up their arsenal and blueprints.

It was time to initiate the second phase of Project Lexor.


	19. red, underlined

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A trap is laid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back, again, hello hello. 
> 
> TW this chapter for description of a murder scene and violence at the end.

**3:30 am**

Lena roughly threw another syringe in the direction of the waste container, not flinching when she missed and heard it clatter to the floor. She had gone through so many tests, used so much of her rapidly-diminishing supplies, that she felt like giving up and leaving her (and the rest of the city’s) fate to…whatever controlled it.

Seeing Kara had briefly angered her, but after the superhero took flight off her balcony, Lena suddenly felt her brain turn back on, a renewed sense of energy filling her with hope. Whether it was seeing Kara as Supergirl for the first time, or having been told she was loved for the first time in _decades,_ Lena didn’t know. What she was sure of, however, was that she finally had a breakthrough to stop her mother and brother.

That had been her mindset over two hours ago, and now Lena was completely stuck. Something was missing, because the math wasn’t adding up and the tests simply didn’t produce any result, at all. Lena tossed a pen across the desk in her makeshift home lab and guest room. Despite the lengths she’d gone to make L-Corp practically unhackable, she didn’t trust such a large network to keep her secrets safe.

Her home base was where she monitored Lex and Lillian’s whereabouts safely, because she had secured her mother’s trust to the point where Lillian was entirely convinced that Lena had chosen their side. Giving Lex and Lillian access to defunct LuthorCorp tech and old cargo holds on the National City docks was Lena’s quiet way of monitoring them, while still acting afraid.

Fighting sleep, Lena logged onto her computer and tapped into the cameras hidden within the abandoned cargo hold. It took her a few seconds to register the scene before her, but as she watched her mother and brother begin to pack things up, she knew she had limited time before they paid her another visit.

Picking up her last syringe, Lena shook off the urge to pass out and set to work, a pale green light illuminating the darkened lab.

 

**6:11 am**

Detective Maggie Sawyer wasn’t squeamish about a lot of things, having seen it all and then some on the job – or so she thought. So when the call came in Monday morning requesting the science division’s assistance with a double homicide on the east docks, Maggie gathered her gear and hopped into her cruiser, her mind already onto other things for the day.

Upon arrival at the crime scene, however, what Maggie saw had her briefly holding back the bile rising in her throat.

Two dead NCPD officers lay on the ground, uncovered, their faces untouched aside from a neat bullet hole in each forehead. Maggie had only known the one, the man, in passing. The other was one of the newest recruits, fresh from the academy, literally: she had only officially been on patrol for three weeks. She’d seen fallen officers before, after robberies, chases, even accidents. She witnessed some succumb to what looked like superficial wounds and had also seen some killed just like the officers at her crime scene.

But it was the state of their uniforms that had her stomach twisting.

Bright red symbols had been burned into their chests, which were mostly blackened save for the bits of blue fabric sticking to the skin underneath. The symbols weren’t unlike cattle prod marks, as each one was seared deep into marred flesh, but something about the intensity of the color and the way they bled into the skin was off. Swallowing hard, Maggie lifted the yellow tape to take a closer look.

“Detective!” A hand from behind her had reached out and pulled her back, and she flinched, turning to glare at the CSI tech who stopped her.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” he said, shrinking a little under Maggie’s clenched jaw and narrowed eyes, “but…the bodies. They’re emanating some kind of localized heat. My eyes started to water when I got too close – it’s almost like they’re still on fire.”

Maggie let her face soften and nodded at the tech. “Alright…Carson,” she said, quickly looking at his badge, “I’ll be careful. I promise.” She winked at him and held up her own NCPD badge, and his eyes widened in recognition.

“Oh. OH! Detective Sawyer, I apologize. It’s all yours.” Carson scampered away and Maggie shook her head, taking a deep breath before turning to once again lift the tape surrounding the bodies.

Medical mask in place and gloves on, Maggie bent down with her shoulder bag and her camera in hand, ready to capture a more detailed look at the soldered wounds. But an unexpected blast of heat nearly knocked her back after she stepped close enough to examine the woman’s chest wounds. Frowning, she straightened herself up, her eyes finally focusing in on the symbols themselves.

It took one look for Maggie to nearly drop her camera in surprise, mouth gaping open in instant recognition.

Suddenly, the bag over her shoulder began to vibrate incessantly, and Maggie shook out of her shocked haze, patting her pocket to ensure the vibration wasn’t her phone. At the bottom of her bag, a small, NCPD-commissioned Geiger counter was blinking and whirring furiously, and she suddenly dreaded at what kind of radiation it had picked up. But within seconds of holding it out as far as she could toward the heat cloud wavering over the bodies, the meter inside began shaking back and forth, its whirring picking up speed.

With a gasp, Maggie dropped the device and watched it hit the ground face down, smoking. Her palm was bright red, nearly burned from the battery overheating.

It was time to call for backup.

Hands shaking, she plucked her phone out of her pocket and quickly tapped her recent calls, willing for the other end to pick up on the first try.

“Hey, Maggie, I was just about to –”

“Alex,” Maggie cut her girlfriend off, panic rising in her voice. “There’s a situation. Meet me at the east docks as soon as you can, port number three.”

Not waiting for Alex’s confused reply, Maggie hung up and took a deep breath before looking down again at the slain officers, the House of El sigil glowing brightly against charred skin.

 

**7:15 am**

An alarm blared endlessly next to Kara Danvers’s head, the noise ringing deeply enough into her ears that it felt like her head was pulsating. But she made no effort to silence it, because although technically she wasn’t expected to be in the office until 8 and often relished her morning routine, the night prior left her drained.

Lena’s kind-of rejection put Kara back at square one, a place she once spent weeks over-analyzing her feelings, agonizing over how to ask the CEO to dinner. Then she went and ruined it all, more than once, with the final nail in the coffin being her poorly-timed declaration of love to an unstable and depressed Lena Luthor.

Kara was certain this was a love she wouldn’t get over, but she working on not pushing by leaving the ball in Lena’s court. She _wanted_ to wait for Lena, the woman who could make Kara feel so much and forget her anger and loss; the woman she wanted to protect like she would her family.

But there were layers to Lena’s trauma that she still didn’t understand, and if there was one thing Kara was figuring out, it was that she couldn’t save people from their pasts, or from themselves. Lena’s tendency to hold back and withdraw frustrated Kara to no end, because no matter how many times Lena rebuffed her, the superhero would keep coming back, even if it killed her.

Letting her thoughts turn back to reality, she finally pounced on the earsplitting alarm, her hand slamming down on it hard enough to leave a dent. Wincing, Kara sat up and rubbed at her eyes, unwilling to start the day. Before her thoughts could stray yet again to anything but her responsibilities, the incessant ringing in her ears was replaced by her emergency DEO phone. Alex’s name popped on the screen and Kara felt her stomach sink.

 “Kara! Jesus Christ! I needed you to answer _ten minutes ago_ ,” Alex all but yelled into Kara’s ear upon hearing her sister answer. Alex’s voice was more frantic than Kara would have liked. “The east docks, port three. _Now._ ”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’ll be there as fast as I can.” Kara had barely let the words leave her mouth when Alex had dropped the call. One deep, heavy sigh and a quick change of clothes later, Kara was out of the building and in the air, dreading what lay ahead by the water that had Alex so afraid.

**7:54 am**

Lena held the ice to her cheek tightly, grimacing at the cold hitting the quickly-blooming bruise just below her eye. She hadn’t anticipated getting hit as hard as she did, really; Lillian wasn’t usually inclined to injure her daughter’s face, but Lena could _somewhat_ understand why this time, even if it wasn’t justified. It never was.

Five hours ago, she’d been kissed and hugged and confessed to all at once, and just as she was beginning to think about and accept it, her mother had shown up with a suspiciously dirty handgun and wild, threatening eyes. It was at that moment Lena learned the extremely hard lesson of not exactly being as observant of her surroundings as she used to be, thanks to a constantly-muddled brain and severe lack of sleep. She was more surprised about the reveal of hidden cameras her brother had managed to get installed in her penthouse than she was of her mother’s violent outburst – after all, it was what she’d grown up to know.

“ _Supergirl_?” Lillian had spat, flecks of saliva hitting Lena’s face. “You’re whoring yourself out to the _enemy_? To another species? That’s utterly disgusting, Lena. And don’t tell me it was a ruse – I saw how you looked at that thing.” Lillian rose from her crouched position, leaving Lena on the cold hardwood floor. Blood dotted both of their shirts, though Lena was positive it wasn’t just hers seeping through onto her mother’s skin.

At first, she hadn’t dared to touch her throbbing cheek or look anywhere but the floor after the hard metal had stopped striking her face, fearing that one wrong move could set Lillian into another rage. Lex, for his part, had stayed on the balcony, which Lena felt oddly grateful for, despite how he had plotted to have a cohort of his rape her. That entire event felt far away, Lena had thought, because now she had America’s two most wanted terrorists using her home and city as a hiding place, all thanks to her discretion and compliance.

Lillian had placed a box onto the kitchen counter, eyes glinting up at Lena as though she knew how Lena felt about that particular spot in her home. Lillian moved around the island to grasp Lena’s shoulders, thumbing across the mark on her face.

“You’ll do this when she comes for you,” her mother instructed, gesturing at the box. Pushing Lena’s hair behind her shoulders, she met Lena’s terrified gaze once more. “We’ll be watching.”

When she stood, Lena felt a surge of anger and couldn’t stop herself from spitting out, “What makes you think I’ll do it? How do you know I won’t betray you the second I contact her?”

Her mother didn’t respond, but instead, without warning, Lillian stooped down again and pressed her lips to Lena’s briefly, but long enough for Lena to shrink back in disgust.

Lillian looked at Lena questioningly then, and roughly grabbed Lena’s jaw, forcing her daughter to look her in her glittering, icy blue eyes.

“The gun was just a taste, Lena,” Lillian murmured, in a voice Lena hadn’t heard in a long time. Only Lillian knew how to make Lena go rigid in submission.

“I watched how that alien looked at you. She claimed to love you, did she not?”

Lena swallowed and averted her eyes. _How could she have heard that?_

“You’ll do it because you don’t believe she wants you. And why would you? You’re wasted goods at this point, dear. Besides,” Lillian lowered her voice again, and a familiar, cold fear crept into Lena’s chest at the sound. “I’m sure you can guess what will happen, should you decide to disappoint me further. After all, nobody loves you like family.”

With another lascivious drag of her eyes down Lena’s bent over form, Lillian stood to join Lex on the balcony. Tears blurred Lena’s vision and her chest burned, aching for a deep breath of relief, but it never came.

 

**11:06 am**

Kara couldn’t keep her eyes from straying to the bodies still flat on the ground. She was grateful that their eyes had been closed, but they laid uncovered, as it was quickly found out that whatever had been burned into their skin also burned anything else upon contact.

Alex forbade her from getting any closer than the established crime scene line, which stretched about forty feet from the bodies to the edge of the east docks’ entrance. Kara had rolled her eyes.

“You’re telling me Maggie can’t go near it and it destroyed a plastic device, and that somehow _also_ means the impervious alien can’t either? Then why am I _here?_ ”

All she got was a glare in return before Alex had stomped away. Kara should have known better: Alex hated testiness.

That had been two hours ago. But no one had told Kara she couldn’t still _look,_ thanks to her heightened vision. In hindsight, it hadn’t been a good idea: it sickened her, the sight of the crudely scorched sigil marking innocent lives and crudely disparaging the House of El.

After close to an hour, Alex finally made her way back to her sister, lips pursed into a thin line. She held a different scanning device, one Kara knew was specifically for identifying alien tech, and immediately placed it in Kara’s hands.

“What am I looking at here?”

Alex swiped at the screen to a dual chart. “The map on the right is a heat index, one you would typically use for assessing weather temperature patterns. All the way at the bottom, you’ll see our estimate for the heat signature left behind by the radiation found at the scene.”

Alex pointed to a very dark purple spot at the edge of the chart. “That spot represents around 2,000 degrees Fahrenheit.”

Kara felt her jaw drop. “Wait. But isn’t – ”

“Just a hair shy of how hot your heat vision gets? Yep.”

“That’s the other chart, right? To compare?” Kara asked in a rush.

Alex nodded grimly. “Again, this is a rough estimate, and I don’t think what was used on them reached that level of heat. But its radiation signature…Kara, I think what we’re dealing with is another form of red kryptonite.”

Kara frowned, locking her jaw at the memory of what the substance did to her the last time. “That’s…that’s impossible. All of it was gone, remember? I even went to go _look_ for the missing L-Corp supply that never existed, and the Luthors escaped prison…oh.” Kara’s gaze turned on her sister, hard and cold.

“Don’t tell me you’re pinning Lena for this, _again._ ”

Alex crossed her arms and met Kara’s glare with one of her own. “Nobody said that… _yet._ ”

“What’s that supposed to mean, _yet?_ ”

“Alex!”

Kara and Alex both turned from their glare-showdown to see Maggie waving them over. The detective was holding a battered, fried security camera, which was leaving black dust all over her hands as she waved it around.

“Look! I think we got the bastards this tiiime,” Maggie sang, shaking flecks of black ash everywhere. “Think Winn can get something outta this thing?”

Alex raised an eyebrow. “Maggie, it’s completely destroyed.”

“Yes, yes, yes, I know,” Maggie said impatiently, “but look!” She turned it over and wiped away some of the dust, pointing out the tiny, raised LuthorCorp logo discreetly placed near the edge of the camera.

Kara rolled her eyes, gritting her teeth, and Alex stiffened, ready for whatever fight her sister was about to start. But Maggie beat them both to it.

“Shut up, both of you, before you even speak,” she said sternly. She tapped the logo again. “The camera may be fried, but little-known fact about these babies: LuthorCorp was the first to install those black box things inside security cams, ya know, like the things in planes they look for if they go down? Anyway. They were never sold for commercial use because of privacy issues, but the fact is, those idiots used these in that bloodied-up warehouse we found.”

After several moments, the detective gestured to the Danvers sisters, waiting for a reaction. “Um, hello? No ‘wow Maggie, you may have solved the most notorious case in the fastest way possible ever’?”

This time, Kara affixed Maggie with the same signature anger. “Let me guess, though, Lena is your prime suspect and you just can’t wait to arrest her again? Because I was with her last night, and she was very obviously _not_ cleaning up from some really suspicious murder, okay, and I just – I’m – ugh!”

Huffing, Kara turned away to look out onto the river, and Alex just shrugged at her girlfriend. Sighing, Maggie walked over and tentatively put a hand on Kara’s caped shoulder.

“Hey,” the detective said quietly. “I might have to talk with Lena, yes, but she’s not a suspect. _Currently,”_ she added, and Kara let out an exasperated noise. “Look, I have to say that! But what I’m going to do, only for you, because it’s _you,_ is pretend I didn’t just tell you Lena Luthor might have to be brought in for questioning. And I will have no idea that she got a heads up. Happy?”

After a brief silence, Kara nodded her head sharply and fought the urge to immediately text Lena that she wanted to see her. Maggie nodded back, and turned back to Alex, gesturing for her to join them.

“Am I still needed here?” Kara asked, impatiently. “I’m really, really late for work now, but please keep me updated?”

“Go, go,” Alex said, sighing. “I’ll call you when we have more.”

Kara took a step back, ready to take off again, shooting Alex an apologetic glance.

“It’s fine,” Alex said, understanding. “But Kara, if you’re feeling weird, at all, even if your mood is even _slightly_ off or you got mad because you dropped a cookie, or something – ”

“You’ll be the first to know, mom!” With another roll of her eyes, though playful this time, Kara was in the air, only feeling slightly relieved that Lena wasn’t in the crosshairs this time.

 

**4:19 pm**

Being late to work was usually Kara’s style, but being three hours late was not. By then, the story on the slain NCPD officers had already broken out, and though Kara had insider knowledge of the case, Snapper assigned her to a fall fashion piece, grumbling about her “lack of prudence and inability to get anywhere on time” made her last in line to get assigned to a good story. Kara had huffed and complained, but only for show; she was secretly grateful that she didn’t need to spend double the time on the murders, because it meant she had time for Lena.

Her surprise at Lena’s text later that afternoon caught her off-guard, because she had planned on dropping in on Lena (with _some_ warning beforehand, but not a lot, so Lena couldn’t dismiss her right away), but it was the CEO who broke the ice.

_From: Lena_

_Can we talk? About last night and just everything else?_

_From: Kara_

_Of course. Let me know when and where and I’ll be there._

Lena requested Kara come by later that night, as she had too much on her plate to be able to go home early, and Kara easily accepted. It didn’t matter what time or day Lena wanted to see her; Kara would drop any and everything just to be close to her again.

 

**10:06 pm**

It had been all over the news the entire day, on several different channels, and Lena was feeling grateful for the ability to delegate tasks to other people. Her PR team was having a terrible day, and she didn’t find it in herself to care.

NCPD hadn’t pinpointed a suspect, but they didn’t need to: a reporter from the Daily Planet leaked photos of the bodies and the marks burned into them, and the reveal had immediately introduced chaos.

The escaped Luthors were of course the first to be tried and hanged in the media, with Lena following a close second. “Anonymous sources” claimed they had seen Lena exchanging ‘documents’ at a coffee shop (she gave a business card to an eager college student); Lena was seen wearing a trenchcoat late one night on the street (she wanted a sandwich at the place across from work) and the list went on and on. It was exhausting, but Lena felt a small bit of relief knowing that reporters were working hard to blow things up that didn’t matter, and that meant the focus was off what she was _actually_ doing.

Lena reached for the remote inside her desk drawer, finally ready to turn off the endless spins on her family’s wrongdoings, even if most were spot-on. As she pulled open the drawer, her fingers grazed the sleek box Lillian had left on the marble countertop that morning, and Lena had to pause.

 _What am I doing?_ She thought angrily to herself. _I’ll never be forgiven…but it’s too late to turn now, this has to be done. It_ has _to._

A quiet tap sounded from behind her, and Lena flinched before turning around to see Kara at her balcony door, a shy smile crossing her face. Subtly picking up the lead box and closing the drawer, Lena stood, and motioned for Kara to come in. She wore her suit, and Lena wasn’t sure how long it would take to get used to it, if they ever had a chance to get used to each other at all.

She motioned to Kara’s outfit.

“Why the…?”

“Oh,” Kara said meekly. “I thought maybe it would help, you seeing… _me,_ in it. I also have some things to do later, Supergirl…things. Maybe it was a bad idea. I can go change–”

“No, Kara, it’s okay,” Lena said, shaking her head. “I was just curious is all.”

“Got it,” Kara said quietly. She clasped her hands in front of her and rocked on the back of her heels. “So, um. Hi.” She paused, finally taking in Lena’s face.

“You’ve got a…”

Lena touched her cheek, trying not to wince at the pain. “Oh. It’s…nothing, hit myself with a cabinet door." Lena gave her a tiny smile, in spite of herself. “Hi.”

Kara frowned a little, but didn’t want to push.

“How’re you doing?” she blurted, not stopping herself. “You said you wanted to talk, did you want to start? I mean, I guess I’m starting, kind of, but you can take control, anytime.” Kara blushed as she said it, eyes widening. “Okay, you know I meant that in a very conversational way–”

“Kara,” Lena held up a hand. “I know what you meant. And I would like to start, if that’s okay?”

“Sure, sure,” Kara said. _I can shut up anytime now!_

Leaning against the side of her desk, Lena gazed at the floor, wondering what she could say to Kara before everything went to hell.

“Did you want to hurt me?”

It came out as a whisper, and Kara had to turn her head a little to catch it. Lena’s voice sounded so broken and sad, Kara had to stop herself from hugging the woman close.

“Hurt you?”

Lena raised her head, eyes narrowing at Kara as she crossed her arms over her chest. “That day, in your apartment. You lost control. Did you want to hurt me?” The pain was evident in her tone, and Kara felt her chest constrict.

“Never, Lena,” she breathed, tears forming. “I didn’t even think. And I know that was the problem, that I wasn’t thinking. But I wasn’t intending to…hurt you. I’m so, so sorry that it came close.” Kara’s voice cracked at the end, and Lena let her face soften.

She could see Kara, now, the real Kara, underneath the suit and veil of confidence. But all the superhero’s power made Lena afraid, afraid that Kara could snap and hurt her physically, and Lena wasn’t sure that she could survive another attack, accidental or otherwise.

Kara could see the distress on Lena’s face, and wished more than anything to take it all away, especially the part where even she caused Lena pain. There really was only one way to make Lena believe Kara wouldn’t ever do it again.

Sighing, Kara let her hands drop to her sides before speaking.

“I love you.”

To her dismay, Lena let out a mirthless laugh. “So you’ve said.”

“I’m sorry,” Kara said hurriedly. “It’s just that–”

“Don’t be sorry,” Lena blurted, and Kara blinked in surprise. “You don’t have to be sorry for your feelings.”

Kara nodded in understanding. “I know, but I hate making you feel uncomfortable, or…or unsafe.” She had moved closer to Lena now, only about an arm’s length away. Lena still held herself and wouldn’t meet Kara’s eyes, but she was feeling less panicky about talking with the superhero. _Just guilt is left, really._

“You’re just…so easy to love, you know?” Kara said softly, and placed a finger under Lena’s chin. The brunette complied with Kara’s touch, finally meeting kind eyes.

Lena shook her head. “No, actually, I don’t know.” She really didn’t know what it was like, to be loved or be lovable, not until she met one Kara Danvers. It was all so unfair, from the timing to the very person revealing herself to be the superhero her family hated.

Kara regarded Lena with a caring look, and smoothed some of Lena’s hair from her face.

“Maybe I could show you?”

Lena found herself nodding at Kara’s request, and then suddenly soft lips were on hers, and strong yet cautious hands were on her face, in her hair, at the back of her neck. It felt so right and so heartbreaking at the same time, but Lena wanted to relish in it.

_You might not love me when the time comes, Kara Danvers._

Lena slowly reached for the box beside Kara, careful not to move more than she needed to.

Just as Kara touched Lena again, as her hand came up to stroke her face and lips moved desperately closer, the blonde felt a sharp pinch at the side of her neck. Falling to her knees, her blue eyes flashed with pain when she lost balance, flopping to one side. Her legs and arms felt heavily chained; her throat closing, unable to ask for help.

Before she lost consciousness, Kara watched Lena loom over her, lips moving, but the superhero was unable to hear anything she said. Writhing in pain, the last thing she saw was Lena reaching for her neck to withdraw a small glass dart, its glowing green tip trickling with Kara’s blood. 


	20. broken glass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who shot first?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is so short, and I'm sorry - but I wanted an update and for some people to kind of have peace of mind after last chapter? We'll see!!!!!  
> I'm on [tumblr](http://mcdanvers.tumblr.com/) and always thinking I'm funny so

**Two years ago, after Medusa**

Red had been Lena’s go-to color for when she was feeling particularly bold and needed to get a message across, firmly and swiftly, ever since she had become CEO of L-Corp. Blues and grays and blacks made her seem neutral, or weak; but whether she chose a sultry shade of burgundy or a striking scarlet, nobody dared to question her authority or opinion that day.

For a while, Lena assumed that red was her color, that maybe the contrast against her skin highlighted her features to make her seem more intimidating. But the powerful qualities red held were something she hadn’t quite understood, because after all, it was just a color, and colors were simply assigned meanings.

The first time she encountered red kryptonite, however, was when she began to rethink her boardroom wardrobe choices.

To Lena’s chagrin, it was Lillian’s idea to bid on Max Lord’s remaining stores so that L-Corp could control testing, and if Lillian had her way, production. The black market bidding took place in some speakeasy outside of Volgograd, Russia, all arranged by Lillian’s less-than-trustworthy ex-KGB agent acquaintances. Bundled in heavy, expensive furs and meeting with tyrannical, powerful men while spending millions of her own money that likely funded terrorists was not something Lena imagined herself doing in her lifetime. Yet she won the bidding war easily (if she could credit her mother with anything, it was teaching her how to out-maneuver people and make money) and the evil-looking kryptonite offshoot was theirs.

Initially, Lena felt confident that the substance would stay locked up, after its radiation levels exceeded those of nuclear plants in the US. According to her mother, Supergirl was cured of the exposure to it after she nearly razed the city to the ground, so that, too, seemed to be off the table.

But of course, Lena tried to stay at least one step ahead of her mother, regardless of motives. Before Lillian stole the Medusa virus, she led a team of her own crony scientists to conduct experiments with the red kryptonite and her limited sample of Supergirl’s blood. It was revealed that the alien rock, though synthetic, could attack Kryptonian cells, reducing their near-invulnerability to that of a human’s – permanently.

“Think of what this could mean for humanity, Lena,” Lillian had said, so excitable that Lena was mildly concerned her mother had snorted cocaine. “No more supers. No more _power._ Things would return to how they are supposed to be – in the hands of _people._ ”

 

**Two and a half months ago**

_“Before I forget,” Lena muttered. “That – to the best of my knowledge – is where they plan to execute this Lexor project, and the likely hiding place of the kryptonite. Lex really kept a good record of things before he was sentenced,” she explained, and Supergirl nodded slowly as she tucked the coordinates into a hidden pocket in her suit. “One of them being where he hid all of his top-secret science projects. Russia is neck-deep in LexCorp tech.”_

_Lena adjusted the belt on her trench coat and frowned at Supergirl, who was giving her a soft look in return._

_“What?”_

_“This is a good thing you’re doing, you know,” Supergirl said quietly._

Lena had watched Supergirl take off as she sent a quick text to her mother to alert her that the red herring was successfully placed. Her mother’s almost-immediate response left her feeling dirty, and for a solid minute Lena debated calling Supergirl back and telling her the truth.

_That’s my good girl._

Shaking off the queasiness, Lena checked the sky one last time, half-hoping that the superhero was still lingering, watching. With no one around to truly stop her, Lena could move the red kryptonite from its real location and begin the next phase of Project Lexor.

 

It was edging close to 36 hours later when Lena realized she had severely underestimated the chance for unexpected obstacles in her plan to take down Lex and Lillian for good. Their escape from Stryker’s was planned and anyone who was shocked was clearly living under a rock; her facade to get the DEO to believe she wasn’t involved was simple; but Kara Danvers nearly burning her apartment down and incinerating Lena in the process?

That was completely impossible to predict, statistically.

For the next seventeen days, Lena immersed herself into bad habits, including committing several felonies by aiding her fugitive family members. In her defense, she had concluded, her time spent helping them was merely a guise, as what nearly all of it had been from the beginning.

“How’s it coming along, little sister?” Lex would ask, and Lena would look up from her petri dish and microscope with a half-hearted scowl (which, to her surprise, she sometimes found was sincere) and simply respond with a “it’s coming, Lex,” earning a laugh from her older brother. She had to learn not to fall for his charm: it was so easy to be his little sister, even when knowing of the atrocities he committed that landed him in prison with 17 consecutive life sentences.

_You aren’t them._

Kara’s voice rang in her head often, and the thought of her family hurting the person she loved most drove her to maintain composure and deliver “results” on tests with Kara’s blood. Using it without Kara’s permission made Lena sick, but it was necessary, she kept telling herself. Lena needed this to work, for Kara, for Supergirl and probably the entire world.

 

**Earlier that morning**

_“You’ll do this when she comes for you,” her mother instructed, gesturing at the box. Pushing Lena’s hair behind her shoulders, she met Lena’s terrified gaze once more. “We’ll be watching.”_

 

_When Lillian and Lex finally left, Lena ran into her secret lab, snatching her last syringe. Back in the kitchen, she removed the eerie, glowing green dart from her mother’s box and resisted the urge to smash it as she replaced it with a syringe full of a less sickly-looking, pale green substance._

_She clasped her hands and sent a quick prayer to whatever or whoever was listening. Lena needed all the help she could get, ethereal or not, if her antidote could save Supergirl, hopefully for the last time._

 

**Present**

Lena never even got close.

Atop a skyscraper two miles from the L-Corp tower, Lillian lowered a rifle from the rooftop’s edge, looking smugly at her son. Lex gazed through powerful binoculars, eyes trained on the highest floor’s large and not-bulletproof window, waiting.

Twelve seconds later, he sported his mother’s exact sinister expression.

“She’s down.”


	21. that devil in me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Luthors reunite.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is vvvv short, and a little filler for context, and i know this took 8 (eight) MONTHS for me to update. but i'll finish it. i promise!!!

Lena watched Kara fall as though in slow motion, her eyelids fluttering while she slumped to the ground, writhing in pain. Without thinking, Lena hit the floor knees first to crouch beside Kara while she frantically searched for the source of Kara’s paralysis. 

She shifted Kara to her side, as thoughts of CPR training flashed through Lena’s memory. A glint of green caught her eye as she turned Kara over, and Lena gasped when she saw it: the syringe-type dart embedded in Kara’s neck, one that looked identical to the one Lena had on her desk. 

The contents of the dart were nearly depleted when Lena carefully pulled it out; its tip glowed a sickly neon green tainted with the red of Kara’s blood. Once the needle was out of Kara’s neck, her violent twitching came to an abrupt stop, and for a moment, Lena thought Kara was gaining consciousness as she caught a glimpse of hazy blue eyes. 

But there wasn’t time to wake Kara fully. There was no doubt in Lena’s mind that the dart held pure kryptonite, and she needed to work quickly if she was going to prevent any further damage.

Lena tossed the syringe aside in favor of holding her left hand to Kara’s still-seeping entry wound; blood trickled from just underneath Kara’s jaw to the collar of her suit, creating a growing stain into the fabric. Ignoring the wet feeling on her hand, Lena reached for the box on the edge of her desk and let it hit the floor. The lid popped off and scattered underneath her chair, and Lena had to shoot out a hand to stop her own syringe from rolling out of her reach. 

Lifting her bloody hand away from the wound, Lena tilted Kara’s neck to the other side, and took a deep breath before pushing the pale green liquid into a vein. 

“I’m sorry,” Lena whispered, doubting whether or not Kara could hear. It didn’t matter - once the truth came out, an infinite apologies could never atone for Lena’s betrayal.

Checking her watch, Lena estimated that it had been about thirty seconds since she administered what was a sort-of antidote; its intended use, however, was not to counter kryptonite in its pure form.

After another minute, Kara remained still. Lena could hear commotion outside her office door; she knew they had mere seconds before the final stage of Lex and Lillian’s plan was enacted.

When the double doors burst open, with Lex leading the way for a small group of armed men and Lillian, Lena was sitting in her chair, legs crossed primly at the ankles and hands in her lap to hide the shaking. 

“Lena!” Lex shouted, as he jogged to where Supergirl lay still in a heap of broken glass and drops of blood. “Mom is  _ quite _ the shot, isn’t she? Look at that. Look at  _ that, _ ” he crowed, stooping to leer at Kara’s unmoving form. “Supers do bleed!”

When he finally turned his head to make eye contact, Lena jumped in her seat. Lex’s eyes were glowing red, along with the veins in his neck and face. He gave Lena his signature grin, a demonlike, slow stretch of his mouth; every time Lena saw it, she was reminded of the devil.

“We knew you couldn’t do it,” Lex said, almost cheerfully, gazing back at Kara. “Which is totally okay, by the way, because Mom wanted to do it anyway. Right, ma?” he called, turning back to the double doors.

Lena swallowed before she followed Lex’s line of sight to where Lillian stood rigidly in the doorway, a rifle slung over her shoulders and a black briefcase in one hand. 

“Indeed, I did,” Lillian said calmly to her son, before taking a few steps into the office, her eyes never leaving Lena’s.    
“Did you compliment Alexander’s new look? It’s a little startling, I’ll admit. But wait until you see his power, Lena. It’s astounding, what we’ve achieved with your help,” Lillian said proudly. “Though I must admit, Lena...your reluctance is extremely disappointing.”

“I had an opening to do what you asked, mother,” Lena said, trying to control the lump forming in her throat. “You beat me to the punch. Literally.”

Lillian waved a dismissive hand. “You’re a little too fond of the Kryptonian invader, which forced me to put a backup plan into place. But don’t worry - everything is falling into place as scheduled.” 

She turned to the guards behind her, nodding in Kara’s direction. “Take the alien down the way They carelessly slung Kara onto a makeshift cot, jostling Kara’s head in a way that made Lena wince. As Kara was being carried out of the room, Lena noticed with a sinking horror that her neck wound was still oozing, and her skin had gone paler.

The antidote wasn’t working.

A cold sweat prickled at the back of Lena’s neck, but she tried to shove it down as she stood to be led out of the room. Lex draped an arm around Lena’s shoulders and she jumped again at the flashing red of his eyes, and the suddenly intense heat of his skin. 

“Did you happen to catch what went down at the docks today?” He asked gleefully, his dark red irises widening. “Did you see what I can  _ do  _ now?”

Before Lena could answer, Lex whipped around, eyes glowing brighter and brighter until two fiery beams hit the far wall, scorching a black line from the ceiling to the floor, until the carpet began to flicker with flames. The smoke alarms started to wail, echoing through the room and piercing Lena’s eardrum. 

Lex stumbled back into the doorframe, cackling loudly as the flames caught onto Lena’s desk chair, the couch, her coffee table magazines. 

Rubbing his eye sockets forcefully, he turned back to Lena, who watched with restrained terror  as smoke billowed out of the room and into the common areas. Shouts of people from floors below sounded throughout her empty floor, but Lena tried to tell herself everyone would get out before this fire got any worse. 

“It’s definitely time to go,” Lex announced, and dragged Lena to the hideaway elevator she had installed for reasons that did not include burning down her own office or become an accomplice to kidnapping, treason, murder and a laundry list of other crimes she didn’t want to think about.

Once they were safely inside and moving at a rapid pace to the bottom floor, Lena glanced at her brother, whose cheeks were now wet from tears spilling from back-to-normal eyes.

“Your eyes...what...how did you - ”

“It’s temporary, little sister,” Lex explained. “That’s why we need Supergirl. The excess samples of her blood will allow us to make more, and give  _ us _ the power. Not them. Never again.”

“That’s why you wanted the red kryptonite,” Lena hissed, her pulse racing. “You’re using it to - to  _ what? _ Make everyone powerful?”

Lex cocked his head at her just as the doors opened, where a black van was parked, waiting. Lena could just make out blonde hair and a red cape tucked inside, and she once again felt sick to her stomach. 

“Come on,” Lex murmured, as they made their way into the van, “I thought you knew all of this. Why did you think we brought you along for the ride?”

“To stop the supers! To make everyone equal! Not to make yourself into some...demonic...evil -”

“Oh, Lena. You haven’t seen anything yet.”


End file.
